Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

These two guys took a lighter and ax and weldded our principals mail box closed it was great! but then this guy named ***** told the principal and idk weather to go and tell the principal it wasnt him or to tell him he did it! help me plz every1 i want to here what you guys think ok??
-?

2007-10-31 08:02:46 · 8 answers · asked by choclate_girl 1

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the Halloween party alone. He protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for him to suffer. So he put on his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping for about an hour, woke up feeling better and decided to go on to the party after all.
Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in
his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every
nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate
love in the back seat.
Just before the unmasking at midnight, she slipped away to home, put the costume away, and got into bed. She wondered what kind of explanation
he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when hubby finally came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare
room and played poker all evening.' You must have looked really silly
wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your
brother.
Apparently he had the time of his life.

2007-10-31 07:58:48 · 18 answers · asked by arkiemom 6

he is able to use the rest.

2007-10-31 07:49:53 · 12 answers · asked by Morningdew 3

The rhyme never says it was an egg

2007-10-31 07:48:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

2007-10-31 07:48:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife said, " Tommorrow morning I expect to see something in my driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds."
Bob left early the next morning and when his wife got up, sure enough she saw a gift box in the driveway. She put on a robe and unwrapped the box to reveal a brand new bathroom scale!

2007-10-31 07:47:17 · 12 answers · asked by seadog 5

hee hee come on spill the beans no one knows you!!??!?

2007-10-31 07:40:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What do Hillbillies do on Halloween?


A:: They PUMP--KIN!!!!!!

HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! Happy Halloween,Yaaaal'Love, Catnip!!!

2007-10-31 07:23:24 · 13 answers · asked by cc64bestyet 3

A minneapolis couple dedided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particular icy winter. They planned to stay at the same Hotel they spent their honeymoon 20 yrs. ago.Because of their hectic schedules the husband left Minneapolis on Friday and his wife was joining him on Sat.
When the Husband checked into the Hotel, unlike yrs ago they had computers in the rooms. He sent a E-mail to his wife accidentally leaving out one letter and so the e-mail went to the wrong address.
Meanwhile a widow in Houston had just come home from her husbands funeral, a Minister who had just died from a heart attack. She read the Email & screamed & fainted. Her son came in the room & saw the compter screen which read:
Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now. I have just arrived & see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I look forward to seeing you. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

2007-10-31 07:10:54 · 9 answers · asked by Brenda M 4

Star if funny!!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

2007-10-31 06:03:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans
take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be
President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a
water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you
the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop
and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never
stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut,
blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. ! !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs
look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of
choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

2007-10-31 05:51:08 · 25 answers · asked by little star 4

A wealthy playboy goes on a retreat to a Monastry off the Irish coast. He's been there for a week when the Abbot asks what he misses most. He replies sex. The Abbot tells him that after the evening meal he should go to the bottom of the vegetable garden where he will find a large barrel with a small hole in the side and that he should stick his dick in the hole it to relieve his frustration.
That evening he goes to the barrel and much to his amazement really enjoys himself.
The Abbot asks him the following morning how it was.
' Brilliant Father as good as sex with any woman I've ever been with I'll do it again tonight'
The Abbot sternly replies ' Oh no you won't. Tonight's your turn to go in the barrel'

2007-10-31 05:39:42 · 11 answers · asked by Ned Pepper 2

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

2007-10-31 05:32:21 · 16 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

2007-10-31 04:49:31 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

It`s ur 1st x. As u lie back ur muscles tighten. U put him off 4 a while searching 4 an excuse, but he refuses 2 b swayed as he approaches u he asks if ur afraid & u shake ur head bravely. He has had more experience, but it`s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply & u shiver; ur body tenses; but he`s gentle like he promised he`d be. He looks deeply within ur eyes & tells u 2 trust him - he`s done this many times b4. His cool smile relaxes u & u open wider 2 give him more room 4 an easy entrance. U begin 2 plead & beg him 2 hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting 2 cause u as lil pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, u feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout ur body & u feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at u concerned & asks u if it`s too painful. Ur eyes are filled with tears but u shake ur head & nod 4 him 2 go on. He begins going in & out with skill but u r now 2 numb 2 feel him within u: 2b cont

2007-10-31 04:47:45 · 4 answers · asked by gmg2 3

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

2007-10-31 04:41:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the skull not jump off the roof............Because it didn`t have the guts!

Why did the skull stay away from the party...........Because it had nobody to go with!

2007-10-31 04:37:25 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a spoof on the Lords Prayer. Saw it the other day on a notice board somewhere but can't remember it now.

2007-10-31 04:31:51 · 6 answers · asked by Sunset 3

Frogs eyes. 4 Lizard tails, 12 Flies, 4 Flying Roaches, 20 Earth Worms, 6 Spiders, 2 TBSP's Dust from Attic.
2 Cups Sour milk (at least 4 months old), 1 Cup Liquid from Port O Potty, (The thicker the better), 1 handful of Dog hair, 1/4 inch of Cat's left ear, Scrapings from floor of mens room in a strip club. These are the things in my halloween stew.

2007-10-31 04:30:00 · 4 answers · asked by aswkingfish 5

On a South West train A gentleman asks to another

"Do you belive in ghosts?"

The other replays "NO"

The first one says "TOO BAD" and disappears

2007-10-31 04:23:16 · 27 answers · asked by The Rugby Player 7

Sister Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day she walked in & said, "Jack, give me a pint of brandy."
"Sister " exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, he saw Sister Katherine was snookered and was singing, dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Katherine didn't miss a beat and replied "And so it is, my lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to sh-it!"

2007-10-31 04:21:29 · 4 answers · asked by Pd 6

you can use gum tapes,staplers only.(dont wrap the tape blindly onto the egg)

2007-10-31 04:18:49 · 2 answers · asked by machu 1

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!"

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

2007-10-31 04:11:27 · 17 answers · asked by free the weed 3

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who told racy stories during class, some of the members of a campus feminist group decided that the next time he started to tell one they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time; then halfway through he began, "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitues in France--"

The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor, "Please sit down! The next plane doesn't leave until tomorrow afternoon."

2007-10-31 04:08:15 · 4 answers · asked by ✿❃❀❁✾ Stef ♐ ✿❃❀❁✾ 7

Did you ever say that or did I make up something new?

2007-10-31 04:05:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

2007-10-31 04:04:28 · 10 answers · asked by free the weed 3

Two guys decided to take a walk. As they entered this forest they saw an old wooden sighn that said : IF YOU ENTER THIS ROOM YOULL GET THE BEST BL0WJOB OF YOUR LIFE ONLY 50 CENTS:
so they both enter. about five minutes later the first guy comes out and says. Wow i just got the best bl0wjob of my life. The second replies. Well i dont know about you but i just made 50 cents.

2007-10-31 03:58:52 · 3 answers · asked by Teaser 3

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

2007-10-31 03:54:16 · 39 answers · asked by free the weed 3

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

2007-10-31 03:51:19 · 26 answers · asked by free the weed 3

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

2007-10-31 03:44:30 · 12 answers · asked by free the weed 3