Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table.
The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, when you see them, they will make you cry."
:-(

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says,
"Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his "willie" is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree??"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only." :-)

2007-10-30 05:20:44 · 6 answers · asked by Esperanza 3

Click on this link
wait for it to load
then move your mouse left then right

http://www.counterfeitmini.com/main.swf

Oh and as i have to ask a question....did it work?

2007-10-30 05:01:23 · 31 answers · asked by dreams 6

2007-10-30 05:01:01 · 10 answers · asked by mh_toledomd 1

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s**t out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween

2007-10-30 04:45:08 · 12 answers · asked by rblankenship_rblankenship 5

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

2007-10-30 04:16:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. "You disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!" And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my
sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and
I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and
don't use because someone at work has the same pair."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

2007-10-30 03:37:03 · 49 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

It is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Sunday at 4:00 PM , all British women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all British women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your antiterrorist sentiment.

The British Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity

2007-10-30 03:29:13 · 15 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A chicken farmer went to a bar, sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered champagne too!"

"What a coincidence," he says, "this is a special day for me. I'm

celebrating."

"It's a special day for me too, and I'm also celebrating!" she says.

"What a coincidence," says the farmer.

As they clink glasses, he asks, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my

gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," he exclaims, "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years my

hens were infertile, but today they're laying fertilised eggs."

"Great! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asks.

"I used a different c*ck," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

2007-10-30 03:14:56 · 12 answers · asked by barz 2

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a *****.....

2007-10-30 03:10:39 · 23 answers · asked by Katrina 3

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.

2007-10-30 03:07:50 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

2007-10-30 03:04:12 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. He told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," in which a small knob is placed on the top of the head that can then be turned to tighten up the skin whenever a brand new facelift is needed. Naturally the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. She remained young looking and vibrant. But after fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years everything has been working just fine. I've turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes that just won't go away." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.." She said,
"Well then, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

2007-10-30 03:01:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN = BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER = MOON STARER
DESPERATION = A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES = THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH = HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE = HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES = CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY = IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS = LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS = ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT = IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES = THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO = TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW = WOMAN HITLER

2007-10-30 02:59:13 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''

''Melons,'' the blonde replies.

''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''

The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''

2007-10-30 02:52:44 · 12 answers · asked by stargirl_laura 3

A man goes to the doctor and says "Can you give me anything for my bowels?"

The doctor says "Why, aren't you regular?"

"Yes" says the man, "regular as clockwork every morning at 7 am"

"So, what's the problem?" says the doctor

"I don't get up until 8" says the man

2007-10-30 02:47:48 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lion, an elephant and a chicken are discussing who is King of the Jungle.

The elephant says, "I only have to raise my trunk and bellow and everyone can tell that I'm King of the Jungle".

The lion says "I only have to roar, and everyone knows I'm King of the Jungle"

"That's nothing", says the chicken. "These days, I only have to sneeze and everyone sh**s themselves".

2007-10-30 02:43:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.

The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"

"Logic," the professor reponds.

"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.

"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"

"Yeah, that's right," neighbour responds.

"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.

"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.

"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heteros*xual, right?'' proclaims the professor.

"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children.

2007-10-30 02:00:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple were married and they were having s*x all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their s*x schedule to their work schedule.



So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.



The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.



One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."



A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."



The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

2007-10-30 01:29:54 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,?
which he gratefully munches up.



After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."

2007-10-30 01:25:51 · 30 answers · asked by sonia 3

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.

2007-10-30 00:53:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked,
"Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children?"
The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear.
The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful star, so I named her morning-star.
But why do you ask me such a question, two-dogs-f*ck*ng?"

2007-10-30 00:52:52 · 4 answers · asked by ari-pup 7

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."




Little Johnny wasn't a very good at speller. One day, during a
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the
blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we
have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After thinking a few seconds, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

2007-10-30 00:42:26 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: M OUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. =============A woman, standing nude, looks in
the
>bedroom mirror and says to her > husband,> "I feel horrible, I look
fat and
>ugly. Pay me a compliment."> The husband replies, "Your eyesight's
damn
>near perfect."> He never heard the shot.> >

2007-10-30 00:12:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

2007-10-30 00:11:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

2007-10-30 00:10:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

2007-10-30 00:10:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

NunsSitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He
to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front
seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that 22 was the highway number, Not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a
peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Highway 189

2007-10-30 00:07:05 · 10 answers · asked by gangrekalve k 7

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

2007-10-30 00:01:47 · 5 answers · asked by giggles 2

Would you believe...?

2007-10-29 23:55:39 · 2 answers · asked by Ѕємι~Мαđ ŠçїєŋŧιѕТ 6

Blonde Betty, tired of hearing her husband complain, made an appointment with her Gynecologist. Betty explained to the doctor that her husband complains constantly that he can’t feel ANYTHING when they have sex. The doctor instructs her to put on a gown and have a seat in the examining chair with her feet in the stirrups. The doctor returns and moves into position for the exam and exclaims

“Oh my gosh gosh gosh gosh”
Looking confused, he shouts “HELLO HEllo Hello hello hello”.
He looks over the gown at the embarrassed woman and says “ECHOOO EChoo Echoo echo”.

Reaching a decision, he informs Betty of the problem and tells her what exercises to do to remedy the situation. “Take a full length mirror and place it on the floor. Stand above the mirror, naked, and do those exercises. In a few weeks you should be able to crack walnuts!”.

2007-10-29 23:53:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous