Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Blonde phones the Fire Brigade (Department):

"My house is one fire - come quickly"

"How do we get there lady"?

"Errr .... HELLO .... in the big red truck"

2007-10-29 09:43:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up."

2007-10-29 09:39:49 · 17 answers · asked by postypaul 3

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Most of these Halloween jokes are real groaners (get it, Halloween.... GROANERS hahahaha hehehe uhhh yeah) anyway...

Q. Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
A. Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!!!

Q. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A. It's good for the bones.

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Why don't skeletons like parties?
A. They have no body to dance with.

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Q. Why do vampires drink blood?
A. Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

Q. Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
A. Because he's a pain in the neck!

Q. Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A. Because he was coffin.

Q. Why did the ghost go to the doctor?
A. To get his boo-ster shot?

Q. Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. Where does Dracula water ski?
A. On Lake Erie

Q. Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
A. At the blood bank.

Q. When does a ghost need a license?
A. During "haunting" season.

Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist.

Q. What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
A. Spelling

Q. What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A. A dead ringer.

Q. What do little ghosts drink?
A. Evaporated milk.

Q. What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
A. Decoffinated!

Q. What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
A. Five after one.

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A. A blood vessel

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. Don't spook until your spooken to.

Q. What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
A. "You are driving me batty."

Q. What did the monster eat after the dentist pulled his tooth?
A. The dentist!

Q. What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
A. Handburgers.

Q. What do spooks call their Navy?
A. The ghost guard.

Q. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A. Squash

Q. Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. Why do witches think they're funny?
A. Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Q. Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad?
A. He had heard that they needed a little team spirit !

Q. Why don't skeletons like to eat spicy food?
A. They can't stomach it!

2007-10-29 09:36:53 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

ace plumbing charges $100 for the first hour of work or any portion of the first hour. They charge $18 for each additional hours after the firsthour of work and there is no extra charge for over time. if the final billing total comes to 316 how many hours did acr plumbing work show and explain answer please

2007-10-29 09:35:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.


A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.


As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"


The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."


Happy Halloween

2007-10-29 09:24:31 · 18 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

A manager is talking to a potential employee. She wants to find out about the candidate's personality, so she asks: "If you could have a conversation with any person you chose, living or dead, who would it be?"

The candidate considers this for a moment before replying....



"The living one."

:.-)

2007-10-29 09:17:49 · 12 answers · asked by Snake Eyes 6

don't you guys think that in the jokes/riddles section there are always jokes that contain horny stuff just saying...

2007-10-29 09:12:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

*why NOT name your child after your occupation?*

actor's daughter - Emmy
actor's son - Oscar
barber's son - Harry
homeopathid doc' son - Herb
justice of the peace's daughter - Mary
lawyer's daugher - Sue
lawyer's son - Will
artist's son - Art
singer's son - Mike
Thief's son - Rob

:-)

2007-10-29 08:50:39 · 16 answers · asked by Snake Eyes 6

Here are the riddles:
What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?

What can you catch but not throw?

A mountain goat attempts to scale a cliff sixty feet high. Every minute, the goat bounds upward three feet but slips back two. How long does it take for the goat to reach the top?

2007-10-29 08:42:30 · 14 answers · asked by Jessica B 1

A young girl was secretly a prostitute, and she kept her secret from her grandmother, for obvious reasons. Anyway, the police found the young girl, and the other people in her group, the police instructed all the prostitutes to line up on the side walk, and along comes old grama walking down the sidewalk, the old granny see's her granddaughter standing there, so she asks her why she is standing there, the girl had to think quick and said "oh, this is a line up for oranges, and I am in line to get some." so the grandmother said "Really? I love me some oranges!" And the old granny got in the line, when the police got to the granny the police asked, "Wow, but your so old, how do you do it?" And the granny smiled and said, "I just take out my denchers and suck them dry!"

2007-10-29 08:39:47 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

no one is telling jokes so I will tell one.

A beligerant man at a bar bets his friend that he can piss into a beer mug on the bar from 5ft. away without spilling a drop. He does and his friend pays up, the bartender sees this and tells the man he'll bet him $50 he can't do it from 10ft. the man does and collects his money. The bartender comes back after the man has had a few more drinks and is ready to fall off his stool, and says I'll bet you double or nothing that you can't do that from 20ft. away. The man says let me think about it, and after a few minutes accepts the bartender's challange. He backs up to twenty feet and pisses all over the bar and the bartender. The bartender laughs and says I guess you're out $50, the man says no, I bet the five guys laughing their asses off in the corner $100 each that I could piss all over your bar and you would laugh about it.

2007-10-29 08:17:10 · 9 answers · asked by Nate 6

A fireman was polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he noticed a pretty little girl next door sitting in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the bottom.

The little girl was wearing a fireman's red, helmet and had tied the cart to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine," he said admiringly.

"Thanks," said the little girl.

The fireman looked closer and noticed that the little girl had tied one of the carts strings to the dog's collar and the other to the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague," said the firefighter. "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."

A puzzled frown creased the little girl's pretty face for a moment. She looked at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat and then shyly looked into the fireman's eyes and said: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a ******* siren, would I?"

2007-10-29 08:16:39 · 16 answers · asked by Freakin 6

my friend is scared of them
omg why
please any at all

2007-10-29 07:59:57 · 7 answers · asked by johnc 4

Joshua Shrimp had been at sea for forty years and in that time he had been around the globe many times. However, he had always spent the night in bed and on dry land.

2007-10-29 07:53:43 · 6 answers · asked by jim.las.smith@sbcglobal.net 1

Two old drunks were drinking them up at a bar. Bill says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a h*rd-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says John, "What's your point?"

"Well," says Bill, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

2007-10-29 07:31:25 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up readyto go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to thekitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he findshis wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantlydecides to take her along. Later they arrive at the huntingsite. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tellsher: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll comerunning back as soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alicecouldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutespass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to herstand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. Andagain he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed byanother volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake issurprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!!You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

2007-10-29 07:25:39 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges
about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one
had everything they wanted.

At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the
back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh
miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our
house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man
has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead
boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my
dad said, "God, that's all we needed."

2007-10-29 07:23:12 · 24 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class
the difference between singular and plural.
She said, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?"
Little Charlotte said, "Singular."
"Very good," said the teacher. "What is it if three women are
looking out of a window?"

Little Johnny mumbled just loud enough for all to hear,
"A whorehouse."

2007-10-29 07:21:14 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

The new English teacher had just taken over
her first class, a group of scruffy,
leering boys.

"Give me a word beginning with 'A,'" she said.

"@ss h*les!" said Cameron proudly.
Ignoring his remark, she continued.

Now give me a word beginning with 'B'
"B*stard," came the answer from Freddy.

She immediately gave C a miss and moved on to D.

"Dwarf," said Little Johnny.

With a sigh of relief she asked him what a
dwarf was.

"A little f*cker about 60 centimeters tall,"
said Little Johnny.

2007-10-29 07:07:59 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

"Hark! A pigeon sh1t! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakesh1t...Horsesh1t...Oh, sh1t! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

2007-10-29 06:57:43 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.


What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

2007-10-29 06:52:18 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

2007-10-29 05:26:26 · 22 answers · asked by CHUCKY 3

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an lawyer who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

2007-10-29 04:54:48 · 15 answers · asked by Johnny 7

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d!ck," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into A crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't p!ss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

2007-10-29 04:27:37 · 19 answers · asked by barz 2

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other "its gonna be a good night tonight , i smell c**k in the air"
Other replied "No sorry i just burped"

2007-10-29 03:51:24 · 17 answers · asked by CHUCKY 3

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across
a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking
genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!"
"Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up".
The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've
been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds
the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and
walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it,
when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string
him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that
they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the
beautiful woman and all the money in the world,
by why on earth would you want to be
hung like a black man?"

2007-10-29 03:49:53 · 32 answers · asked by ♥ 2

A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

2007-10-29 03:47:49 · 26 answers · asked by ♥ 2

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One stops and says to the other:

''Does this taste funny to you?''



The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"




One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''

After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.

After hesitating, they all did it.

''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''


A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."

2007-10-29 03:47:20 · 8 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

2007-10-29 03:40:03 · 33 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly
silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability allowance as well!"

2007-10-29 03:22:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous