Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

2007-10-29 15:14:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

2007-10-29 15:11:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-29 14:53:56 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-10-29 14:50:03 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

A priest and a little boy were on bus when the boy notice that the priest's collar was backwards. "Why is your collar backwards?" the little boy asked. "Oh, my child, that is because I am a father and I have many children. " the priest replied. "Well my dad has six children and his collar isn't backwards." the boy said confused. My child you do not understand, said the priest, I have many children."
"My grandfather has 18 grand children and 5 children, but his collar isn't backwards!" the kid replied. "My son", said the priest, "I am a father, a priest and I have tons of children!"
"Well", the boy concluded, "I think you should be wearing your pants backwards inside of your collar."

2007-10-29 13:07:16 · 19 answers · asked by mayo 2

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "Bob... Bob Titsenbeer"

2007-10-29 13:01:54 · 5 answers · asked by rorschach1881 2

looked bored when being milked ?

If someone woke you at 4am , played with your t1ts for 2 hours and didnt sh4g you , you'd be p**sed off too......................

2007-10-29 12:49:41 · 9 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

2007-10-29 12:28:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

2007-10-29 12:00:02 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

most random answer wins!

2007-10-29 11:39:46 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

yesterday when i came home from scoccer and i was so tired.my mom was away on a company trip and my dad drop me off and then went to the grocery store to get some stuff so i went and took a shower and when i came out my dad didn't come back as yet he called he wouldn't be back for another two hours so i turned on the tv and hanna montana was showing so i layed there naked watching it and then i fell asleep naked from head to toe.when my dad came home he wrap me up and put me in my bed.what should i do

2007-10-29 11:38:30 · 13 answers · asked by Heather V 1

ANSWERS ON BOTTOM

A woman Walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a glass of water. The man suddenly pulls out a gun and points it right at the woman. The woman with relief smiles and says thank you then walked out the door. Whats was wrong?

Jack and Jill are lying on the floor dead. Around them lies broken glass and a puddle of water. What Happend?

What demands an answer but has no question?

What gets Wetter as it dries?

Whats the difference between a lion in pain and a rain cloud?

Whats dark, but caused by light?

Whats heavy forwards, but not backwards?

What gives milk and has one horn?

Who wears a coat in the winter and pants in the summer?

ANSWERS
she had the hick-ups

jack and jill were fish and there bowl got tipped over

a fone

a towel

one roars with pain and the other pours with rain!

a shadow

ton

A milk truck

a dog

2007-10-29 11:29:53 · 5 answers · asked by yosi 2

such as if a tree falls no one can hear does it make a sound? no math questions either... just logic stuff

2007-10-29 11:28:07 · 7 answers · asked by 6+4+3=2 4

Differences between women of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78 years old.

At 8 Years old : You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 Years old : You tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 28 Years old : No need of story to take her to bed.
At 38 Years old : She tells a story to take you to bed.
At 48 Years old : She tells a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 Years ols : You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 Years old : If you take her to bed it will be a story.
At 78 Years old : What story ? What bed ? Who are you ?

2007-10-29 11:24:21 · 25 answers · asked by Trucky 5

I went to the pre-ejaculation support meeting today. But when I got there, no one was around. I guess I came early.

2007-10-29 11:13:29 · 4 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-10-29 11:12:16 · 7 answers · asked by matt 1

a black man went to a bar and the white man said : "there are no colored folks allowed". then the black man said, *****, when you're cold you turn purple, when you're sick you turn green, when you're touched you turn red. but me i'm brown. when i'm sick i'm brown, when i'm hit i'm brown, when i'm cold i'm brown and when i die, i'll be brown. and you call me colored?

2007-10-29 10:58:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

to read in a public speaking class! i want it to be funny though & not just something stupid just to get it over with.

thanks!

2007-10-29 10:54:57 · 5 answers · asked by bella♥ 5

A married couple was in the hospital waiting to deliver their baby, the doctor said he has a new macheine that takes pain off of the mother and transfers it to the father and asked if the couple would try it for him and the couple agureed. He hooked up the mother and once labor began he turned on the machine. "we'll start with 10%" he said, soon the wife was screaming and the husband said he felt nothing so the doctor turned it up to 25%. Still the man felt nothing 75% still nothing, at 100% he felt some stomach pains but it turned out to be gas. The couple was very happy because the wife felt no pain and the birth went very well. After a few days at the hospital the couple returned home to find the mail man dead on their doorstep.

2007-10-29 10:44:17 · 22 answers · asked by Nate 6

There was a class of children and the teacher asked the class for homework to think of a sentence with contagious in it.

so the next day the teacher asked a little girl what sentence did u come up with and she said " my sister has chicken pox and it is contagious". so then the teacher asks the little irish boy whats your sentence and he said " i saw my neighbour painting the fence with an ince brush and my dad said it will take the c*** ages" loool xx

2007-10-29 10:40:14 · 14 answers · asked by Je:) 2

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.



funny or not? lol.

2007-10-29 10:32:58 · 22 answers · asked by ღ£Ðwå®Ðz§ løv£®ღ 7

To stamp-out burning ducks

2007-10-29 10:31:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

not find nuts!

2007-10-29 10:27:44 · 10 answers · asked by Plato 5

What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.


Two Tennesseeians are walking down different ends of a street toward each
other. One is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray,
whatcha got in the bag?"

"Just some chickens."

"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

"Heck, I'll give you both of them!"

"Okay. Five?"


Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.


I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.

2007-10-29 10:27:03 · 17 answers · asked by Catholic 14 5

To stamp-out Forest Fires

2007-10-29 10:23:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

He can wallpaper his hall through the letter box

2007-10-29 10:20:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

im feeling sad!!! and im at work i have to smile at all times i work at a hotel and it's hard to greet someone and smile. and well i just cant do it!!!! can some one make me smile???? or laugh. i dont want it to effect my work.

(reason why my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me he said that he dont love me anymore)

2007-10-29 10:08:15 · 11 answers · asked by teresa m 2

Half an hour - same as the monkeys

2007-10-29 10:02:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed George by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and your Anniversary?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

2007-10-29 09:54:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat And Overcoat."

Ira sure did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Barney, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.

Finally Barney said, "Ira, you Schmuck...stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied Ira. "Your's has been gone for over half an hour."

2007-10-29 09:52:48 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous