Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

2007-10-28 13:45:51 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.

The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!

Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"

2007-10-28 12:50:10 · 13 answers · asked by ? 4

A woman and her little son are in the grocery store.

The little boy says to his mom "Can I get a candy bar?" And his mom says "Go ahead". The little boy looks around, then comes back to his mom looking sad.

"Mom!" he cries, "They aint got none!". The mom shakes her head, smiles, and says "Honey it isn't "They aint got none" it's "They DON'T got none".

:] Haha. Let me know what you think.

2007-10-28 12:49:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Little Johnnie's family was invited over to see the new arrival, his Dad reminded him, very strictly, that Johnnie was not to mention anything about the ears, and that the word "Ear" was not to be mentioned, or Johnnie would get the whipping of his life.

When Little Johnnie saw the infant he asked the new Mother if the child can speak. The Mother said "Yes" but not clearly, yet."

Little Johnnie asked if the Baby can see. The Mother responded that the Dr. said the Baby had perfect sight.

"Good thing", said Little Johnnie, "He'd be crap outta luck if he needed glasses."

2007-10-28 12:43:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things Not To Say To A Police Officer
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
That uniform makes your butt look really big.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
Hey, you must have been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
Good job! I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad Cop! No Donut!
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
When you smack the crap out of me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
I pay your salary!
Gee, thanks officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

2007-10-28 12:33:06 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said: "I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said: "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again."

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.

lol

Star it if you liked them

2007-10-28 12:21:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jonny's goldfish


Little Jonny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jonny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Jonny tearfully, without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Jonny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"

2007-10-28 12:11:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

7 What do you mean today's our anniversary?

6. Can we NOT talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

5. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don't care if it's on sale; $300 is way too much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

2007-10-28 12:04:05 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

2007-10-28 11:57:31 · 7 answers · asked by Zack G 2

In case they have to draw blood.

2007-10-28 11:38:05 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

The blonde said, "Hellooo…. I have windows!"

2007-10-28 11:21:42 · 11 answers · asked by ? 4

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

2007-10-28 11:16:16 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

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Pumpkins don’t accuse you of loosing the TV remote!

Pumpkins make better pie!

Every year you get new Pumpkins to choose from!

Pumpkins always greet you with a smile!

If you don't like the way a Pumpkin looks, just make up another face!

If a Pumpkin starts smelling up your place, just throw him out!

Pumpkins don’t stare at other pumpkins

2007-10-28 11:11:18 · 34 answers · asked by ? 4

One dark night two guys were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. When they got to about the middle of the graveyard they were startled and stopped moving.

There was this terrifying noise, “TAP-TAP-TAP” coming from the shadows. Trembling with fear, they spotted an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You SCARED us half to death. We thought you were a GHOST! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those dummie's the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!!"

2007-10-28 11:02:44 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

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A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

2007-10-28 10:51:12 · 12 answers · asked by ? 4

Linda got a job as a reporter at her local newspaper. The crusty old editor told her, "Names, names - no story is complete without the names of everyone involved."

She came back a few hours later and filed this report:

Three farms in our area were affected by severe lightning storms that struck Thursday night. Mr. and Mrs. Horace Greene reported a fire in their barn. Michael Arlington said several trees were knocked down by the violence of the storm. And Fred Morse reported that three of his cows were struck by lightning. Their names were Bessie, Elsie and Bertha.

2007-10-28 10:37:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Guide To Bra Removal

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Objective: To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

What You Need:
1. Girl with bra
2. Two functional hands
3. Common sense

Techniques:
1. "The Houdini Hug": Using sleight of hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2. "MacGyver's Off The Shoulder Slide": An alternative method to use after 10 minutes of unsuccessful hugging.

Do Not Use: Scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, black magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

Warning: When removing a bra, do not say the following:
1. "I really want to thank you for this."
2. "D*****! I thought they were bigger."
3. "Do you have any cereal?"


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2007-10-28 10:35:18 · 12 answers · asked by Joe 4

After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.

An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.

"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"

2007-10-28 10:35:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde a redhead and a brunette are on a burning building and the firefighters are below them with a net they yell to the brunette "JUMP JUMP!" so she jumps. at the last minute the firefighters move out of the way and the brunette hits the ground and dies.Then the firefighters yell to the redhead "JUMP JUMP" She yells back down "I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FRIEND HOW CAN I TRUST YOU?" They yell back "TRUST US" so she jumps and the firefighters do the same thing.Then the firefighters yell to the blonde, "JUMP JUMP" so she yells back "I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FRIENDS SO I WANT YOU TO PUT THE NET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND BACK AWAY"

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked the blonde what she was doing and she replied,"I'm hanging myself."Your supposed to put the noose around your neck not your waist." said the onlooker. "I already tried that," replied the blonde "but I couldn't breathe"

2007-10-28 10:32:40 · 13 answers · asked by ? 2

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

Thinking the radar was in error, he drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have messed up the settings way too much," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, he received the violations in the mail - three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

2007-10-28 10:31:35 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day three builders were sitting on top of the high building they were working on and eating their lunch. The first one, a brown haired man, said,"My mum packs me a jam sandwich everyday and I can't take it anymore. If she gives me on tomorrow I swear I will jump off this building.The second man, also brown haired, said,"And my mum always gives me a peanut butter sandwich. If she gives me another one tomorrow I'll also jump".The third, a blond haired man, said,"And if I get another ham sandwich tomorrow I'll jump to!"The next day they all had the same sandwiches they'd had the day before and so they jumped.After their funerals their mums stood talking together. The brown haired mens mothers said,"I'll always remember how I used to make his sandwiches everyday."The blond haired mans mother said,"Well I'll always remember how my boy used to always make his own sandwiches."

A brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it."Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."She takes her finger and presses her knee, and screams. She takes her finger and presses her elbow and screams. And she keeps doing that over different parts of her body until the doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"She says, "No, I'm really a blonde.""I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

2007-10-28 10:30:38 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

Linda invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I don't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," her mother told her.

The daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these nuts to dinner?"

2007-10-28 10:29:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jimmy the computer guy,
To come over. Jimmy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave
Me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
Error? What's that . In case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T

2007-10-28 10:28:47 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

David's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"

"Oh Really!" said David, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20.00!"

2007-10-28 10:27:57 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false.

The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.

Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.

The teacher, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on.

"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

2007-10-28 10:25:50 · 6 answers · asked by ? 4

I hated this growing up; whenever there was something that my mother made for dinner that i didn't like she would always say "you know there are starving children down in Africa who would just love to eat what you are eating right now."

One night i became fed up and said back to her "good, then why don't you give this food to them then, huh? I don't care about no starving black kids." My mother put her hips to her sides and said "excuse me?? what did you say???" She ran to the kitchen sink and grabbed the bottle of Joy dish liquid. I KNEW what she was going to do with the soap so I botled out of the kitchen. After that night, my mother made that food I hated on purpose for the next week and if I wasn't going to eat it she pointed her finger to the Joy soap on the sink. So I had a choice horrible food or dish liquid, ugh.

Looking back on it now I would have chosen the soap. Damn those starving African children!!

2007-10-28 10:25:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A car was involved in an accident. As one might expect, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, pushed and struggled to get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through please! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

2007-10-28 10:25:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sign on a Bus:

"When you exit this vehicle, please lower your head and watch your step.

If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

2007-10-28 10:23:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

2007-10-28 10:22:48 · 6 answers · asked by ? 2

Upon her engagement, the exuberant young woman went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

2007-10-28 10:22:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous