Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?

And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit in my baking pan."

2007-10-28 10:20:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

2007-10-28 10:05:57 · 18 answers · asked by ♥ 2

A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer arive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter has a set of questions each to test them to qualify for entry.
The first is for the teacher. He is asked what is the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg in 1912. He is allowed in with the correct answer "The Titanic".
St. Peter then decides that the garbage collector smells to bad, but decides to test him with the correct answer to the next question any ways. The garbage collector is asked how many lives were lost on the ship, and lets him in with the correct answer, "1,228"
St. Peter then turns to the lawyer and says "Name them all"

2007-10-28 09:51:19 · 3 answers · asked by Mark F 5

i mean, after they send in the play.........can they keep talking ??
like "look out, there's a guy comin' at from the left" or " throw it to # 89, he's free", or "are ya o.k. ? do you wanna time-out"??
or ( i hate to even think of this one), " the word came down.....you gotta throw this game!"
OR, is there someone listening to the conversations, and cuts them off if they get into illegal areas. (maybe that's what "official time-outs" are all about)??
OR, com'on give me some answers.

2007-10-28 09:50:22 · 1 answers · asked by gallopinto 2

or when is that?

2007-10-28 09:35:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple are fooling about in bed when this happens.
Man. You told me you had no kids.
Woman. I don't.
Man. You're a liar you're still lactating.
Woman. You silly sod you're sucking my boil.


What's lactating I don't get it

2007-10-28 09:27:36 · 32 answers · asked by Ned Pepper 2

I always wanted to go there just for that reason, then we discovered the wings, boneless of coarse. Just wanted to know how many people out love the food or the waitresses. Of coarse it always fun there, my girlfriend describes it as like Disneyland. We have been there to many time to count now.

2007-10-28 09:22:47 · 3 answers · asked by Jimmer 2

help get the most answers and stars for the question in the link, i found it really funny..

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjYJKYN3jd7afbTiuDZ0c5jsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071028130032AA9smK7

2007-10-28 09:16:52 · 10 answers · asked by ab 2

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my a*s!"
The rest is history.

2007-10-28 09:14:08 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

any1 looking towards work or school?
i am.....ha
Jadey
xxx

2007-10-28 09:02:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had been married for 35 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn.

He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.


Pls star if you like it......... :-)

2007-10-28 09:01:43 · 23 answers · asked by Hope 6

Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

2007-10-28 08:57:08 · 3 answers · asked by $Sun King$ 7

A man from the city was driving in the country when he came across a farmer plowing the fields with no pants on. 'how come u are not wearing any pants? he asked....'Well buddy, the other day I went out into the field and I forgot to wear my shirt. That nite my neck was stiffer than a board...sooo this is my wife's idea!:)

2007-10-28 08:42:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."

The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"

2007-10-28 08:41:34 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Danggit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

The moral of the story...

"Don't mess with old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. "

2007-10-28 08:30:29 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

2007-10-28 08:20:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

2007-10-28 08:14:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

sick and tired of her man coming home drunk every night so, she decided to try to scare him....
She went out and bought the scariest devil outfit she could find, when home, turned out all the lights and waited..
2am, man staggers in the house
wife, flips on lights, screams and runs at him
man says " You dont scare me one bit

I married your sister"

2007-10-28 07:58:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!


A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.

The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.

When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."


plz star if u found this funny! :)

2007-10-28 07:55:46 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

First one to get it wins !!

2007-10-28 07:35:38 · 12 answers · asked by amanda o 1

Women's English

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

2007-10-28 07:00:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a genuine riddle with a genuine answer. First person to get it right wins.

CLUE: It has little to do with mathematics.

2007-10-28 06:35:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

With an oder so foul it could......

2007-10-28 06:01:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of
the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night
off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just
enjoy his evening off.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the
party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there,
as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself
in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him
upstairs, then into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.

"Jeeves," she said, "take off my dress."

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She then said,
"Jeeves, if I EVER catch you wearing my clothes again, you're sacked!"

2007-10-28 05:26:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a plain, skinny spinster with a speech impediment. She
longed for a man, and used to comfort herself by reading 'respectable'
erotic stories, namely the adventures of great classical gods. This
only made her worse, but one night a strange thing happened.

She dreamed that a big blond naked man came to her bed, ripped off her
long nightgown, and made passionate love to her again and again. In
the morning, as he was about to leave through the window, she begged
him to stay.

"I must return to Valhalla," he boomed, "I'm Thor."

"Tho am I, but wathn't it marvellouth!"

2007-10-28 05:23:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone know where Pink is? Is it a town, country or just a small village? HELP!

2007-10-28 04:53:29 · 3 answers · asked by The Answer Faerie 2

A man takes his dog to the vet and asks him to cut the dog’s tail off. The vet can find nothing wrong with the dog’s tail and asks the man why. He replies ‘My Mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don’t want anything in the house to make her think she’s welcome.’

2007-10-28 04:48:05 · 25 answers · asked by Rainman 4

Neighbors
>
> A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell
> rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her
> to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a
> towel and runs downstairs.
> When she opens the door, there stands her next-door
> neighbor, Rob.
> Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500
> dollars to drop that towel you have on."
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
> stands naked in front of him.
> He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and
> leaves.
> Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back
> on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the
> shower, "Who was that?"
> "It was Rob from next door," she replies.
> "Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the
> $500 dollars he owes me?"

2007-10-28 04:44:39 · 15 answers · asked by David 6

A man walks to the corner of Oxford Street and Regent Street in London during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi straight away.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says: "Perfect timing. You're just like Stevie"
"Who?" says the man.
"Stevie Jones. He was a guy who did everything right. Like my taxi being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened for Stevie."
"Well no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody," the man replies.
"Not Stevie," says cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have turned professional at golf or tennis and he danced like a West End star. He was handsome and sophisticated, more than George Clooney. He had a better body than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. He was something!"
"Somehow Stevie just new exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continues.
"He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him!" says the man.
"I never actually met Stevie," admits cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks the man.
"After he died I married his wife."

2007-10-28 04:35:41 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

2007-10-28 04:31:55 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous