Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Im thinking of an animal the first persob to guess gets best answer! It begins with naked .... ... (each dot is a letter)

2007-10-27 12:31:34 · 12 answers · asked by x.x.Zar.x.x 2

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

2007-10-27 12:23:56 · 10 answers · asked by shaffy 2

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

2007-10-27 12:19:55 · 11 answers · asked by DJ 5

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

2007-10-27 12:10:07 · 5 answers · asked by the mrs:) 4

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
:P

2007-10-27 12:08:06 · 31 answers · asked by thims_g 1

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."The little man faints and falls to the floor.The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big Guy says: "What's wrong with you?"In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."The small guy says: "Turner Brown, Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

2007-10-27 12:02:30 · 15 answers · asked by Amy J 2

How do u sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.

Why did the blonde stay up all nite studying?
She had a urine test in the morning.

2 blondes were walking along the railroad one morning after spending all nite at a nightclub. "Wow, these stairs are killing me." said the first blonde. The second blonde goraned back. "The stairs don't bother me as much as the low handrail"

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?
Because blonde guys are dumb too.

Why do blondes hate M&Ms? they r to hard to peel:)

Why cant u ever trust a blonde to dial 911?
They will spend hours looking for the "eleven"

Got any funny ones??? Do these jokes bother u if u happen to be blonde???GET OVER IT hahahaha

2007-10-27 11:59:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts

2007-10-27 11:55:40 · 14 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue, and sh*t on the carpet."

2007-10-27 11:50:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points out the window and says: "This baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there." The man looks through the sight at the house and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the assistant.
"Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house," replies the customer.
Snatching the 'scope back, the assistant cranes his eye through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, naked, being hotly pursued by an excited young man. Furious, the assistant says to the man, "If I give you two bullets, will you blow my wife's head off with one and take the man's dick out with the other? I'll give you the telescopic sight for free if you do." "Okay," the man says, as he takes out his rifle and attacks the sight. Taking a quick look through it before loading, he hands one bullet back. "You know what?" he says. "I think I can do this with just one shot."

2007-10-27 11:49:55 · 14 answers · asked by Trucky 5

In search of adventure, an attractive young lady decided to head for the Far East, and stowed herself away on the first ship available. After a month, she was discovered by the captain, who was surprised to see that, despite her time at sea, she was remarkably well fed and clean. Though realising she must have been befriended by someone on board, he was surprised when she admitted that she had been to the cabin of his trusted first officer every morning. Apparently, the nice young man provided a hot bath and three-course meal, and said that he would continue to do so until they reached Japan.
"And what did he ask in return?" demanded the captain.
"Well, you might say that he took advantage," blushed the girl.
"I'll say he did," chuckled the old sea dog, rubbing his whickers. "You're on the Liverpool to Birkenhead ferry!"

2007-10-27 11:47:12 · 12 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A Welsh farmer is walking through his fields when he sees a man drinking one handed from a stream, thinking he's local he shouts in Welsh to stop drinking cos the cows piss and **** in the stream. The man looks up and sys"I'm from England mate, speak to me in English"The farmer replies "Oh right, i said use both your hands you'll get more that way"

2007-10-27 11:42:32 · 10 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A young journalist gets a job at a provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment was to write a human-interest story. Driving through the cornfields, he spied an old farm-hand and introduced himself.
"Out here in the middle of nowhere - has anything ever happened that made you happy?". "Yup!" he exclaimed, suddenly. "One time my neighbour's daughter, got lost. So we formed a posse, we eventually found her. After we all screwed her, we took her home."
The young journo blanched. "I can't print that!". "Has anything else happened?" The farmer thought again. "Yeah!" he said. "One of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We found it and all screwed it before we took it back home."
"Christ!" yelled the young man. "I can't print that either!". "OK - has anything around here that made you particularly sad?"
The old man looked at the ground. "Well," he said sheepishly. "I got lost, once."

2007-10-27 11:39:36 · 10 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

2007-10-27 11:35:19 · 13 answers · asked by DJ 5

.......a man's wife slips into a coma. After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. "It's amazing" says the Doctor, breathlessly. "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her breasts being touched."
The husband is very excited, and asks what he can do. "Well," says the doc, "if one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too." So the husband goes alone into the room, where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her bits. Amazingly, the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man tells the doctor, waiting outside. "Excellent!" he says. "If she responds like that to your finger, I think you should try oral sex." Nodding, the husband returns to the room - but within minutes the heart monitor alarms go off, and the medics pile into the room. "What happened?" shouts the doctor, as he checks the prone woman's pulse. "I'm not sure," replies the man, looking sheepish. "I think she choke

2007-10-27 11:34:49 · 11 answers · asked by Trucky 5

My teacher was showing us like water in a cup was holding way more pennies than you would expect, and she was like, why do you think this is happening? How can this be possible?

I said, is it holy water?

Would that be funny?

Yes it is a comment, but in my school that's how people make jokes, by making funny comments.

Please be as positive as possible, without lieing, I don't want to feel like I should never make jokes again. Seriously, please don't be mean.

2007-10-27 11:20:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of my jokes for example, like the teacher was going "...So the girl never saw her greatest desire, how do you think she will be affected, and i said she'd probably go emo".
Was that a good joke (just an example of on of my jokes)?

No offense to emos, I know it was a bit stereotypical, sorry, but was it a good joke regardless of that, cuz of over here when people hear that they take it as the people who cut their self term?

Please give the most positive comments you can, don't make me think I should never make jokes again.

2007-10-27 11:10:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pheasant was in a field, chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to fly up that yonder tree,
but have no energy" said the pheasant.

"Well, why dont you eat some of my dung" said the bull,"it's full of nutrients"

The pheasant starts to pick in the dunk and feels the strength coming in his body.
He can fly up to the first branch then higher then even higher.
Eating more dung, at last he manage to fly up to the top.

The farmer spots the pheasant on top of his old yonder tree and
comes out the farmhouse with his shotgun. He blast the f.uck out
of the pheasant.

Moral of the story ?
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it sure won't keep you there.

2007-10-27 10:53:09 · 12 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.

Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.

And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants.

He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

2007-10-27 10:52:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Guy goes into a bar says to the bartender...Hurry up and give me 6 shots of Whiskey..and make them doubles. Bartender pours the shots and puts them in front of the guy. The guy takes the shots one at a time, real quick. Bartender asks..whats the hurry buddy? Guy says you'd be in a hurry to if you had what I had. Bartender asks..what do you have. Guy says: 12 cents.

2007-10-27 10:45:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday school teacher. All the eager children raised their hands except Little Johnny.

"I'm sorry, I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school," explained Little Johnny.....

2007-10-27 10:34:40 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Gran, Mum and daughter living in the same house. The daughter walks into the house slamming the door behind her all p1ssed off saying,' I don't believe this, I only got 10 bucks for a bl0w job.'
The mother says 'that's nothing. in my day we only got five.'
Gran sitting in the corner waving her hands dismissing the other two says 'Well back in my day we were just lucky to get something warm in our stomachs'.

2007-10-27 10:34:33 · 9 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

2007-10-27 10:33:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob took his 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".

As they were eating hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

He responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat. His son was quiet for a couple of minutes and obviously in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."

2007-10-27 10:32:36 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the mall a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, and he asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "But, but, didn't you get my E-mail?"

2007-10-27 10:29:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat, Sue's four-year-old son had to stay home from church with a baby-sitter. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his mother explained.

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I didn't go, He showed up!"

2007-10-27 10:28:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.

She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just - "

"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.

"I know," said the librarian, "but the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica ?"

2007-10-27 10:26:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought about it for a moment, then his face brightened and he replied, "The horses are a lot older now?"

2007-10-27 10:23:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

morning and starts to get dressed.As he's doing so,he notices a picture of a man on the dresser.The man looks very young and fit,and Harry starts to worry that he might be a jealous boyfriend or husband.The girl is waking up,so Harry says to her,"Excuse me,but who's that picture of?It's not your hubby is it?"Oh no"replies the girl."That was me before the operation."
********Mary to Jill:"My last boyfriend said he fantasised about having 2girls at once.Jill:"Most men do what did you tell him"?"I said,"If you can't satisfy one woman,why would you want to piss off another one?"
******
One night a policeman shines his torch on a man and his girlfriend making out in a parked car."We aren't doing anything,officer,"says the man."Really?"says the policeman."Well,in that case I'll get in the car,and you can take the torch."
******************
The me duckies I hoped it cheered you this Saturday eve
I have a lousy cold,so I can't speak to anyone only the Computer.Star if you like and a lovely ev

2007-10-27 10:03:29 · 9 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

im thinking of a number between 1 and 10. what is it?

2007-10-27 09:36:31 · 21 answers · asked by MAC529 1