Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender brings him his drink and he pushes it aside and orders another. When the second drink arrives, he starts to drink it down.

For the next several hours, this same thing goes on. He waits a while... orders a drink... pushes it aside and then orders a second one and then starts to drink the second when it arrives.

After several hours of this and many drinks still lined up on the bar, the bartender finally decides to ask why the guy is doing this.

The guy starts to explain... "well, for the past few months I've been going to those AA meetings. Now, they have all these ideas about the 12 steps and such. I'm a simple guy and not too sure I understand it all, but the one thing they really push is to make sure you don't take that first drink..."

2007-10-27 08:49:21 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

This woman is about to board a bus, but when she steps up, she realizes that her skirt is too tight, and she can't lift her leg to board. So, she reaches around behind her and lowers her zipper a bit and tries again.

Skirt's still too tight, so she reaches behind her and lowers her zipper some more, and tries again. She still can't get on, so she reaches back and lowers the zipper a bit more. She tries to step up, and feels two hands on her butt push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to do that!"

He says, "Lady, I sure don't know you well enough for you to lower my zipper three times."

2007-10-27 08:46:13 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

He wanted to be a chart topper, but unfortunately he was dyslexic

2007-10-27 07:50:25 · 7 answers · asked by ? 5

there was this boy who wanted to remember everything. He went to an opera stage and the were practicing me me me me me.
Then he went to a candy store and the kids were saying gotta getta gum drop gotta getta gum drop. Then he went to a restaurant and they were saying forks and knives forks and knives. Then he saw a commercial singing "plug it in plug it in". Then a police asked him did you see any body kill anybody? Me Me Me Me Me Me Me. I'm afraid your going to have to go to jail. gotta getta gum drop gotta getta gum drop. What did you use? Forks and Knives Forks and Knives. Oh, I'm afraid were going to put you in the electric chair. "plug it in plug it in"

The End

2007-10-27 07:02:16 · 14 answers · asked by Lee050898 2

A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, " explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."

2007-10-27 06:38:39 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

NASA planned a mission that involved three astronauts spending two years in space. Because of the extended duration, each was allowed to take 200 pounds of baggage, with no restrictions.

The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut, who was a blonde, decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.

They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.

Suddenly out came the third astronaut, who was a blonde, with a cigarette in her mouth.

She walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, "Anyone got a light?"

2007-10-27 06:33:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to Chicago."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. In goes her nickel, out comes the card which said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it one more time." She goes back to the machine, puts in a nickel and collected the card. This time the card says, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

2007-10-27 06:26:28 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2 men get on a bus and once they sit down start talking. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"emma come first,
den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, the come togther again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasts time".

The lady cant take this any more, "you foul mouthed sex obsessed pig", she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we dont speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

Heya, coola down lady, said the man.
"who talkin 'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'


£5 pounds says you go back and read this again :)))

2007-10-27 05:40:44 · 17 answers · asked by Magster 7

I carnt remember where i bought mine from!

2007-10-27 05:11:56 · 12 answers · asked by capa-de-monty 6

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly - Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff


& my favorite:

13. Potential Murder Suspect



star if u like it :)

2007-10-27 04:21:29 · 12 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

2007-10-27 04:01:45 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Like many of you probably have, I have gotten this email about 5,000 times over the years, and never got the answer...can someone PLEASE tell me the answer??????????
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

2007-10-27 02:55:13 · 7 answers · asked by Shining Light 2

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again - right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

2007-10-27 02:39:37 · 22 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks:

"What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."

2007-10-27 02:38:05 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"

"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra tharsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 5-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

2007-10-27 02:35:19 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his penis hanging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

2007-10-27 02:22:43 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

What would you do if you woke up in the middle of a heavy jungle with all kinds of wild animals while it was raining and in the middle of the night, and alll you had were the following items:

1) Flashlight with 20 minutes of battery power left.
2) 9MM Handgun with 15 rounds
3) Duct tape
4) Soccer Ball (brand name Wilson)
5) Dagger
6) Hammer w/50 nails
7) Two candy bars and a bag of beef jerky (about two days worth of food)

You must be there 30 days until rescue. The jungle is full of lions, tigers, bears, coyotes, poisonous snakes, everything else. What would be the top priority thing to do and what would be the least?

Keep in mind you have no clothes on either.

I will give best answer to the person who covers all angles of survival here (or at least does better than everyone else).

2007-10-27 02:18:53 · 5 answers · asked by Jean-Francois 5

One day there was this little boy named Johnny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.

Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to pi*s can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwords

He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"

Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"

Then she said "Where is the p."

Lil Johnny said "Running down my leg."

2007-10-27 02:17:33 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.

5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't please any!

13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

2007-10-27 02:15:48 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

2007-10-27 01:32:36 · 36 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

needs to lighten up ? is it you that doesn't smile when a good joke is told ??? is it you that laughs till it hurts ??? is it you that grabs every moment and hold it in your heart??? COME ON lets have some fun i mean FUN ? i want hear from you and hurry up Xfactors on at 5.45 pm me and simon are like that !!!! so i have to go get ready he's calling later

2007-10-27 00:48:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

all summa bin largin

2007-10-27 00:44:02 · 12 answers · asked by shergal farkey 4

man in a hospital ward wakes up to find he has shat himself.
"through the eye of a needle" type...
he is too embarrassed to call the ward sister
so he leaps out of bed, rips off the sheets and throws them out of the window.
suddenly there is a cry of shock in the street below
the hospitalised man rushes to the window and looks down.
his sh!tty sheets have landed on a drunk, who is flailing around trying to get them off him.
eventually he succeeds and stands, covered in diahreah, panting and staring at the sheets.
a paramedic runs up to him.
"Are you alright mate?" he asks the drunk.
the drunk looks up at him slowly, his eyes wide with fear and says...

"i think i just beat the sh!t out of a ghost..."



star if you like.

2007-10-26 23:38:39 · 5 answers · asked by Phadria 4

The weight Loss Program Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to loss weight?

He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Loss Weight- Only $1.00 a pound - Call (202555-0238) The man decided to give it a try and called the number.

A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The man responded "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we will have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely n*ked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house.

2007-10-26 23:32:38 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy during the gold rush who was visiting a mining town. He walked into a bar and sees a bowl of gold nuggets on the counter. He asks the bartender if they were tips or something.

The bartender says no they are for any man that can make my horse laugh without touching him. So the man decides to give it a try.

He whispers something in the horse's ear and the horse starts rolling on the ground laughing hysterically.

The man takes his gold and walks off. Two months later, the same man walks into the same bar. This time there are two bowls of gold. He asked the bartender if it was the same deal.

The bartender said this time you have to make my horse cry without touching him.

The man said sure but I need to take him out back. He does, brings the horse back in, and he is crying. He goes to grab his gold and the bartender pulls out his shotgun.

2007-10-26 23:28:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

John and Ed walked into a bar. Ed: "What do you want to drink, Jackass?

"John: "A..A...A pa...pa..pi..pint o..of gi...gi..gi Guinness A..a pint of Guinness, please."

Ed goes up to the bar. "Two pints of Guinness for me and my mate Jackass."

Ed takes the drinks back. "Here you go, Jackass."

Later when they had finished their drinks, Ed says to John, "It's your round, Jackass. Go get us a pint o' Guinness."

John goes to the bar. "T..T...T..two pa..pa...pa..pi..pints o..o..of gi.. gin..gi..Guinness. Two pints of Guinness, please."

When the barman was sure Ed wasn't listening he said, "I think it's awful him calling you Jackass all the time." John says, "Oh, he..aw, he..aw, he..aw, he..awlways calls me that."

2007-10-26 23:26:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

2007-10-26 22:11:39 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.

They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.

"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."

"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.

"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."

"George!" G. W's mama says.

G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.

His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.

But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"

2007-10-26 22:03:11 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"

2007-10-26 22:02:42 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi !"

2007-10-26 21:53:42 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous