Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A Scotsman buys a packet of peanuts.
He hands one to his wife.
After a while, she ask for another.
"What for ? They all taste the same !

2007-10-26 12:22:20 · 7 answers · asked by Trucky 5

You are driving a bus in downtown Los Angeles. You come to your first stop and pick up 25 passengers. You drive 4 blocks and turn left to your next stop, picking up 10 passengers and letting out 13. You drive 3 more blocks and turn right, letting off 6 passengers and picking up 14. You then drive 5 blocks, turning left to your last stop where you let off all the passengers.



So.....




What is the bus driver's name?

2007-10-26 12:21:01 · 16 answers · asked by Spark of Insanity 7

Mulligan and Sean were taking a little stroll.
"At my funeral, Sean, will you pour a bottle of good old Irish Whisky over me grave, please" ?
" I'll be glad to, Mulligan, but will you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first ?

2007-10-26 12:17:23 · 9 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Ok what two coins make 30 cents and one of them isn't a nickel first right answer= ten points :D

2007-10-26 11:54:28 · 21 answers · asked by Enek 4

okay so, your in a room and theres two doors one leads to death and the other leads to freedom you dont know which is which. there is a robot in front of each door one always lies and one always tells the truth you dont know which is which. you can ask one question to one of the robots what question do you ask to find out what door to leave through?

2007-10-26 11:49:24 · 14 answers · asked by jewels 3

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

2007-10-26 11:39:25 · 23 answers · asked by ♥me!♥ 3

a bloke goes into the chemist and asks for viagra , the chemist asks do you have a prescription?the bloke says no but will a photo of my girlfriend do?

2007-10-26 11:36:45 · 8 answers · asked by patto 1

Please keep it clean.

2007-10-26 11:22:20 · 6 answers · asked by chinagirl 2

i met my mate who only has one arm i said where are you going ? he said iam going to change a light bulb! i said how u gonna do that ?: he said ive got the receipt :

2007-10-26 11:14:57 · 14 answers · asked by patto 1

"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

2007-10-26 11:12:56 · 17 answers · asked by life goes on... 2

Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.

"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.

"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.

"Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.

"Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.

"You can't beat our meat!" -- A sign on a restaurant, now closed.

"Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.

"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.

"NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington.

"Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.

2007-10-26 10:55:56 · 9 answers · asked by life goes on... 2

can't tell joke.

2007-10-26 10:25:48 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre's legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

It probably wasn't the same elephant.

2007-10-26 10:05:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.

The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

“What’s the matter hun?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

2007-10-26 10:01:38 · 12 answers · asked by Samantha1029 5

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

2007-10-26 09:57:31 · 7 answers · asked by life goes on... 2

what do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it:)

2007-10-26 09:53:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

2007-10-26 08:44:15 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a tricky question. The answer might surprise you.

2007-10-26 08:31:54 · 8 answers · asked by Yafooey! 5

Anagram Singer and song


HARD TOT WORTH THE SINGING TEST

2007-10-26 08:14:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?

The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and 12 ring donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at a nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last two donuts.

2007-10-26 08:01:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

two sausages are cooking in a pan, one sausage turns to the other and says "MAN it's hot as hell in here" over the cracking of the greases in the pan. The other sausage turns to the first and says "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH a talking sausage!"

stupid, I know, tell me what you think

2007-10-26 07:57:39 · 10 answers · asked by Nate 6

A guy say's to his mate in the pub "i took a shortcut just there along the railway lines and i found this lovely woman tied to the tracks so i untied her and we had the most amazing sex ever". "Wow did you get a bj" asks his mate. "No i couldn't find her head".

2007-10-26 07:53:09 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks by a bakery and much to his delight sees a sign on the window saying;

" Sausage rolls £1 and wanks £20"

So he heads on into the shop and asks for some assistance and the woman comes out and says cans I help you?"

The man says "Yes are you the woman who gives the wanks?"

The woman replies with a big smile on her face, "Yes I certainly am"

To which the man replies "Well get in there and wash your. hands and give me two sausage rolls!"

2007-10-26 07:47:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://web2announcer.com/video/display/19239

2007-10-26 07:39:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach … and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

10. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

16. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

19. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

20. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you're next!"

2007-10-26 07:00:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to
me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

2007-10-26 06:45:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

> An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
> years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
> swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
> and some apple and peach trees.
>
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
> hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a
> five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond,
> he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer,
> he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
>
> He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
> deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
> until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
> watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
> *
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
>
> Some old men can still think fast.

2007-10-26 06:33:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning a husband took a pair
of underwear out of the drawer.

"What the???" he said to himself;
as a little "Dust" cloud appeared
when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom,
"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shouted back:
"It's not talcum powder.

It's 'Miracle Grow'."

2007-10-26 06:32:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

2007-10-26 06:08:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

2007-10-26 05:55:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous