Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

ONE IS NAMED QUARTER,ONE IS NICKLE AND ONE IS PENNY WHAT IS THE OTHER DAUGHTERS NAME?

2007-10-26 02:23:48 · 15 answers · asked by karen w 6

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
behind him.
Walking faster,he looks back and through the fog,he makes out the image of
an upright casketbanging its way down
the middle of the street toward him
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly
behind him
Faster...
faster...
BUMP..
BUMP...
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door
behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping
clappity-BUMP. ..
clappity-BUMP. ..
clappity-BUMP ...
on his heels the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling;
his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH, the casket breaks down the door! Bumping and clapping
toward him.

2007-10-26 02:12:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Earlier I asked people to guess the name of an artist based on the clues that I provided. Someone figured it out and so now I'm posting another one.

I'm so glad you found me; at first I thought no one could hear me. Because of you I'm now sober and never again will I allow another tear to drop from behind these hazel eyes.

This one is easier than the first one, but I think you guys should be able to get this one.

2007-10-26 02:06:56 · 4 answers · asked by Usagi's Twin; HAJI IS MINE! 4

to see who came first

2007-10-26 01:05:07 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the Tennessee redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally
involved.

What's the most popular pickup line in Tennessee?
Nice tooth.

How do you know when you're staying in Tennessee?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the front desk says "go ahead".

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Tennessee? A documentary.
What do they call them in Kentucky? Life styles of the rich and
famous.

2007-10-26 00:06:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his
birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."

"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long
suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years

2007-10-26 00:00:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of
North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that
since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send
them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer

-- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.

2007-10-26 00:00:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

2007-10-25 23:53:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Ben was in class one day when he needed the toilet. He raised his hand and asked his teacher, "Miss, can I go to the toilet .... please?"
His teacher replied, "You should have gone at break, but alright. Only if u can say the alphabet out loud."
"Yes, Miss." And so Little Ben began...
"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"
His teacher noticed something wrong and asked, "Why did u miss out the 'p'?"
"Cause I needed the 'p'! ........." and he was so desperate that he dashed out of the classroom to the toilet!

if u don't get this ... then say so and i will add the answer on later.

2007-10-25 23:30:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple is on their honeymoon and the new bride tells her husband to be gentle because she is a virgin. Shocked, the groom says:"But you've been married three times before!"
"Yeah", she says, "but my first husband was a psychologist and only wanted to talk about it, my second husband was a gynechologist and only wanted to look at it, and my third husband was a stamp collector and only wanted to........God, I miss him."
After a moment of silence, she then turns to her newest husband and says:" And since you're a lawyer, I know I'm going to get screwed."

2007-10-25 22:40:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their grand-daughter's graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night.

Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one. We'll be leaving early in the morning, so l will put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110. 00 under the pillow.

He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

2007-10-25 22:22:21 · 24 answers · asked by Grotty Bodkin is not dead!!! 5

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies.
So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
Different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi poo?" She opened the oven and took
Out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, ********? Drink your f#cking beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf#cking snacks, because you are
married now, and you aren't f#cking going anywhere! Got it,
@rsehole?"........and, they lived happily ever after.

2007-10-25 22:19:34 · 17 answers · asked by barz 2

ALCOHOL WARNING - Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers

WARNING:- The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: - The consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.

2007-10-25 22:15:31 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A Missouri State Trooper pulled a car over for speeding. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly; he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my *** on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

2007-10-25 22:14:31 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?

"The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

2007-10-25 22:13:34 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A man walks into the front door of the pub. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and with a belch, asks the barman for a drink.

The barman politely informs the man that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not serve him and could a taxi be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the pub. He wobbles up to the bar and shouts for a drink. The barman comes over and firmly but still politely refuses to serve the man and again offers to call for a taxi. The drunk looks at the barman for a moment angrily, curses and stumbles out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the pub. He plops himself up on the stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The barman comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks and either a taxi or the Police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the barman and in hopeless anguish cries Geeze, how many bars do you work at?"

2007-10-25 22:12:47 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Give me a push……….

2007-10-25 22:12:01 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2

NASA received three messages in a strange language from a distant planet. The scientists studied the messages and found that "Necor Buldon Slock" means "Danger Rocket Explosion" and "Edwan Mynor Necor" means "Danger Spaceship Fire" and "Buldon Gimilzor Gondor" means "Bad Gas Explosion". What does "Slock" mean?


a. Danger
b. Explosion
c. Nothing
d. Rocket
e. Gas

2007-10-25 21:59:47 · 27 answers · asked by >D_ConTradictor< 4

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

2007-10-25 21:49:55 · 14 answers · asked by gangrekalve k 7

Joe died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his widow Helen turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close,"How much did this really cost?"
"All of ,"said Helen. " the Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial
Stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

2007-10-25 21:39:32 · 7 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

"Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum Replies,
"No, because she is on heat."

What does that mean?" asked the child.


"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,

"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked
Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent and said

"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"


(YOU'RE
GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )





The little girl said,






"She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another
dog is pushing her home."

2007-10-25 21:18:25 · 16 answers · asked by Tony T 4

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So................

They buried her.

2007-10-25 20:31:09 · 50 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

This morning ,and seen the darkness at 7.30, the cild feeling of winter is about , nuff to to make me want to get back in my cot ,,,,

2007-10-25 19:49:42 · 18 answers · asked by ? 6

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said, 'I'm not stopping you.'
***********************************

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
**************************************

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

2007-10-25 19:43:39 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

2007-10-25 18:27:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations.

Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happened that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite.

To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game.

By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''


A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.

''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''


''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a bl0wj0b.''

"But my friend, where is the danger in this?''


Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''

2007-10-25 18:19:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A retired gentleman went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

2007-10-25 18:16:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"

2007-10-25 18:13:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher asks her class, "What is the animal depicted on a weather vane?"

Little Johnny, the infamous troublemaker, says, "I know, teacher, I know."

Against her better judgment she calls on him and he says, "Teacher, it is a c*ck."

Teacher asks the class, "Why is a c*ck on a weather vane?" "I know, I know, teacher," says Johnny. "OK, Johnny, why?"

"Because, teacher, if it had a cnut on it, the wind would whistle right through it."

2007-10-25 18:06:54 · 12 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

2007-10-25 18:04:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous