Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on
knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little
Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody,
and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you,
will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of
paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each
one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and
blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted
down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a
trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished
and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing
and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up
underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a
Double-Barrel!"

2007-10-25 17:43:19 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

There were two horses on a farm, a big horse and a little horse. There was not much to do, just stadding round in the paddock, so the older horse suggested that they have a race. The little horse was a bit reluctant. He said "No, i dont dont want to race, your too big and you'll win". The big horse replied "ok then, ill give you a head start". The little horse agreed.
The little horse ran first, with a 10 metre head start. he ran and ran and ran as fast as he could, but when he reached 30 metres, the big horse overtook him and won the race.
The big horse said "Wow, that was fun. lets go again."
The little horse was a bit sour about his loss and said "nah, because you'll win again.
"ok" said the big horse "ill give you a 40 metre head start", so the little horse agreed.
The little horse started with a 40 metre head start. he ran and ran and ran as fast as he could, but when he reached 60 metres, the big horse overtook him and won the race.

2007-10-25 17:37:53 · 3 answers · asked by B-rad 3

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

2007-10-25 17:20:30 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!' ". "I don't remember much after that."

Ciao!

2007-10-25 16:50:15 · 19 answers · asked by Blood Makes Noise 6

If someone held a gun to your head and made you choose between one of your kids, who would you pick to die and who to live? If you don't choose, both of them and you will die.

2007-10-25 16:39:59 · 11 answers · asked by Jean-Francois 5

Something you shout that starts with the letter c?

2007-10-25 15:51:00 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the 6:00 news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit. I saw this on the 5:00 news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

2007-10-25 15:16:44 · 7 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her hsuband. "Hi hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

2007-10-25 15:03:52 · 4 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Thor's Night Out

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs.

He picked up a good-looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment. She was nearly a perfect female except she had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex.

They went at it hot and heavy all night long then, in the morning, Thor had to leave, so he decided he should at least tell her his name...

So he said to her, "I'mMighty Thor and I have to leave now."

She looked at him and said, "You think you're thor! I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

2007-10-25 13:40:17 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

cat on the key board hfukdg ergrgyu

2007-10-25 13:23:55 · 5 answers · asked by khsdj100 1

the nyt b4 their wedding.. the guy went to his fiancee.. at the living room was his fiancee's sister lying on the couch... and she said to him.."if u like to have sex with me..i'll be waiting upstairs..."
the guy was shock to hear her say that to him...confused..he then made up his mind and went to his car...
"you passed the test".. said his fiancee who widout his knowledge was inside his car all along..."i'm happy 2b u wife..." she continued...
the moral of the story is always keep ur condoms in ur car...

2007-10-25 13:21:35 · 10 answers · asked by skeptic 6

Boss to his secretary: "let me have sex with u...just one time... and i'll be quick.. i'll throw a thousand dollars on the floor & b4 u bend & pick it up..i'll be done..."

girl like the proposal and called up her boyfriend..

BF to girl: "ok..but ask for $2,000 & be very quick to pick the money..."

after 4hours.. bf called & asked what happend...

GF to BF: "that son of a b***h threw coins!!!!!

Lesson: Bosses always make u work for every single penny..."

2007-10-25 13:14:29 · 30 answers · asked by skeptic 6

Questions:
1. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
2. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
3. What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
4. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
5. What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Answers:
1. A stick
2. Because they have big fingers
3. The location of the dirtbag
4. A bad golfer goes, whack, dang!
A bad skydiver goes, dang, whack!
5. Someone's going to lose a trailer

2007-10-25 13:05:55 · 11 answers · asked by RSM 3

Two old ladies out shopping.....and they see a special offer - 25% off all toilet brushes.
They buy one each and take them home to try out.
A week later they meet up again for coffee and one lady says to the other, "how's the new toilet brush working out?"

The second lady says, "Well, I'm happy enough, but my husband tried it twice and went straight back to paper.

2007-10-25 13:05:07 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Share a stall? go to a hotel? hold hands and beat it?

2007-10-25 12:38:39 · 3 answers · asked by scott n 2

An Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride.She climbs up behind him and they ride off.The trip is unevevtful except that every few min the Indian lets out a loud whoop.When they arrive in town,he lets her off at the gas station,yells one final,"Yahoo!"and rides off."What did you do to get that Indian so excited?"asks the gas station attendant."Nothing,"shrugs the woman."I just sat behind him,put my arms around his waist,and held onto his saddle horn to keep me steady".That'll explain it,says the attendant."That Indian was riding bareback."
********
An old gentleman goes to his doctor to complain about a problem with his sex drive."I don't seem to have much pep as I used to,"say the old man."I see,"says the doctor."And how old are you and your wife."I'm 82,"says the old man."And my wife is 78."And when did you 1 notice the problem?"asks the doctor.The old man replies,"twice last night and once again this morning".
Enjoy and please no nasties,and star if you like them.xxxx

2007-10-25 12:07:50 · 13 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,

"Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says,

"All I can smell is molasses."

(star if you liked it...thanx)

2007-10-25 12:02:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-25 11:40:38 · 13 answers · asked by Mattie T 2

Two blondes standing on either side of a river.

Blonde #1: yells, "How do I get to the other side?"

Blonde #2: "You're already there.........!!!!"

2007-10-25 11:27:05 · 19 answers · asked by Richard F 6

Come with me....I have some cream for that!!

2007-10-25 11:24:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

three boys (a brunette-harry, a blonde-george, and a redhead-dick) were standing at the top of a tall building when half of it colapsed. the three were trapped with no way to get down, until they heard a voice. "jump off the edge and whatever you say you will become." so the brunette jumps off and says ''bird" and flies away. the redhead jumps off and says "parachute" and floats safely to the ground. the blonde jumps off and yells "HARRY, DICK wait!!!!!!!!!"

2007-10-25 11:09:32 · 10 answers · asked by hahaha h 3

Here's a joke that someone emailed to me some years ago...

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognise you."

2007-10-25 11:04:52 · 7 answers · asked by Blue-♥-Berry 6

The headmaster asks him why. He answered.."My mother had a tricycle, Sir." The headmaster told him not to be silly and to tell the truth.."Er, no, wait...she..she ..had a wheelbarrow."
The headmaster told him off and said that he would be suspended for a week for bunking off and telling lies.
When he got in the house, he shouted upstairs to his mother...
"Maa...amm..what was that you said you'd had yesterday?"

"A miscarriage, son, why?"

"Damn, I KNEW it was something with wheels on!"

2007-10-25 10:53:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows Vista:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

2007-10-25 10:43:28 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word your're saying, but I remember the guy your're talking about."

2007-10-25 10:28:53 · 8 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

What's round, weightless, can be seen by the naked eye..and if you put it into a barrel, it makes the barrel lighter? (as in weigh less)

good luck!

2007-10-25 10:18:55 · 5 answers · asked by Melanie 5

A chicken walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they have chicken feed the bartender says No.
The next day the chicken asks the bartender agian the bartender yells no.
The next day the chicken asks agian the bartender yells, if you ask me agian i'll nail you to the wall.
The next day the chicken asks the bartender if he has nails the bartener says no so the chicken asks do you have any chicken feed.

2007-10-25 10:13:00 · 10 answers · asked by Sparky 5

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

2007-10-25 10:07:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

asking everyone for money. He came across one guy who reached in his pockets and came out with a 5 dollar bill. He explained he would give him a dollar if he could but he couldn't give away the whole 5. The bum responded, I can give you change for that........HAHAHAHAHAHA

2007-10-25 09:57:29 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I thought this was a community?
Cannibalism is rampant innit?

2007-10-25 09:53:15 · 14 answers · asked by tyler durden Oƒƒicial 6