Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Because whe they come they're wet ad windy and when they go they take your house and car !

2007-10-25 05:21:32 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

2007-10-25 04:32:09 · 15 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

2007-10-25 04:23:29 · 16 answers · asked by Ana Paula 3

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.

I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'

But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed *****.'

2007-10-25 04:09:18 · 8 answers · asked by Freakin 6

2007-10-25 03:22:30 · 4 answers · asked by traversing_thru_life 2

Twocanchew.
Old but funny =]

2007-10-25 02:42:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2007-10-25 02:33:01 · 29 answers · asked by Lee Lee 5

did anybody see him fall of the wall???

2007-10-25 02:08:46 · 30 answers · asked by blueendred 5

1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

3. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

5.. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

7. Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

9. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

2007-10-25 02:07:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an
important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and
narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the

world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best
answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying
on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the

24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have
it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Scotsman got the
job.

2007-10-25 00:46:17 · 12 answers · asked by barz 2

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"

2007-10-24 23:30:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch,totally naked.Soft music was playing,and the aroma of perfume filled the room."What are you doing?"she asked.
"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work. the daughter-in-law answered."But your totally naked" exclaimed the mother.
"This is my love dress",explained the daughter-in-law."love dress but you naked" repeated the mother.
"Justin loves me to wear this dress"she said"every time he see me in this dress,he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. The mother-in-law left and when she got home she undressed,showered,put on her best perfume,dimmed the lights,put on a romantic c.d and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to come home.Finally her husband came homean saw her lying there on the sofa."What are you doing"he asked."This is my love dress" she whispered to him all smiley.
" you might have ironed it before you put it on whats for tea!!

2007-10-24 23:28:30 · 15 answers · asked by richy 3

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

2007-10-24 23:21:43 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

iv been nominated to give a speach for my brothers 70 birthday,there will be 168 people present ,i have not one problem with giving the speech, but what to say, poses,a headache,can you help please ,,,!!!

2007-10-24 23:17:11 · 6 answers · asked by ? 6

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, f*ck, Etc."

2007-10-24 22:59:37 · 13 answers · asked by barz 2

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos. One patient had some type of fish tattooed on her abdomen. 'That sure is an unusual-looking whale.' I commented. With a sad smile she replied. 'It used to be a dolphin.'

2007-10-24 22:42:38 · 8 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A blonde is taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor tells her to jump out of the plane and pull her ripcord. After she's done so the instructor jumps out after her. The instructor pulls his ripcord but his parachute doesn't open. As he struggles to pull the emergency cord, he shoots past the blonde. The blonde undoes the straps on her own parachute and yells. 'So you wanna race, huh?'

2007-10-24 22:18:12 · 10 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.
"Johnny, what is your problem?"



Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.
The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.
"What is three times three?"
"Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty-four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut. !"
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.
"Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does! sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
"Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."
"Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Fire truck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university!!!!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

2007-10-24 20:07:46 · 10 answers · asked by hotpot_garry 2

I dont know if this happens alot or not to other people, but for me I have this particular dream that occurs about every year... where Im stuck in this library with huge unorganized stacks of books and a huge evil rooster on the tallest stack of books and everything looks blurry and upclose. A little weird, but lets hear yours!

2007-10-24 19:14:23 · 22 answers · asked by artguru 3

Lil boy in bath with mom. boy says "whats that hairy thing?" mom says "its my sponge". boy says "oh auntie has one i saw her wash daddys face with it"!

lol i think its funny!

2007-10-24 18:12:56 · 6 answers · asked by bananaramarex 2

Two New Foundlanders walk into a pet shop. They go directly over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive to 'Come-By-Chance' until they are high up on a hill, and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.

"Dis looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.


Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, before he hits the rocks below with a 'SPLAT!'

As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous fer me."

2007-10-24 17:56:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.

After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!" the blonde said.

"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

2007-10-24 17:48:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

WARNING - Dirty joke! Rather long but bear with it ...

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone. So he went to a store that sold sex toys. He was browsing through the dildos and started talking to the old man behind the counter. The businessman explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the businessman asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big f**king deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man smiled, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook and cracks appeared down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quietly.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman & took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my *****." He left for his trip, satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried to get it out, but couldn’t. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ***!"

2007-10-24 17:47:41 · 7 answers · asked by Naruto 6

Q .. How do blonde brain cells die?
A .. Alone.

Q .. How do you brainwash a blonde?
A .. Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q .. How do you drown a blond?
A .. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q .. How do you drown a blond?
A .. Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q .. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A .. Flattered.

Q .. How do you confuse a blonde?
A .. You don't. They're born that way.

Q .. Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A .. She didn't know what number came first.

Q .. What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A .. Divorced.

Q .. How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A .. She threw it off a cliff.

Q .. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A .. She fell out of the tree.

2007-10-24 17:43:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman had three daughter. When each one got married she told them to write separately about their new secret life in code to her.
First one sends "Maxwell coffee house"
that moment she understands the catch line " satisfaction to the last drop" She was happy.
Second one sends the name of a popular cigarette brand name ,whose catch line was also not very tough to find out " live life king size" She is happy again.
But her younger daughter send her mail almost after 1 month leaving her in shock. When she received it it just says "BA" she understood nothing.she kept thinking,thinking and thinking. Yet no clue. suddenly one day she saw an add stating BA,. It was British airways.
and catch line? " Twice a day, Seven days a week, Both ways"

* it if u like

2007-10-24 17:43:16 · 5 answers · asked by hotpot_garry 2

Q: Why was George Jefferson breathing so heavily?

A: He was feeling "Wheezy!"

2007-10-24 17:23:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"












"Because you got an F in sex."

2007-10-24 16:47:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I would rather the answer be eyeshadow but it will work either way.

2007-10-24 16:14:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

>===========================================
>
>
>Sealed envelope -
>
>Put in the freezer for a few hours,
>
>then slide a knife under the flap.
>
>The envelope can then be resealed.
>
>(hmmmmmm.).
>============================================
>
>Use Empty toilet paper roll
>
>to store appliance cords.
>
>It keeps them neat
>
>and you can write on the roll
> what appliance it belongs to.
> ============================================
>For icy door steps in freezing temperatures:
>
>get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it.
>
>Pour it all over the steps.
>
>They won't refreeze.(wish I had known this for the last 40 years)
>==================================================
>Crayon marks on walls?
>
>This worked wonderfully!
>
>A damp rag, dipped in baking soda.
>
>Comes off with little effort,
>
>(elbow grease that is!).
>============================================
>Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops
>
>(like store receipt BLUE)...
>
>Rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
>==================================================
>Whenever I purchase a box of SOS Pads,
>
>I immediately take a pair of scissors
>
>and cut each pad into halves.
>
>After years of having to throw away rusted
>
>and unused and smelly pads,
>
>I finally decided that this would be much more economical.
>
>And now a box of SOS pads last me indefinitely!
>
>In fact,
>
>I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!
>============================================
>Blood stains on clothes?
>
>Not to worry!
>
>Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide
>
>on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood.
>
>Works every time!
>
>Now, where to put the body?
>================================================
>Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside
>
>and horizontal for inside windows.
>
>This way you can tell which side has the streaks.
>
>Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean.
>
>Don't wash windows on a sunny day.
>
>They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
>================================================
>Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb
>
>in any room to create a lovely light scent
>
>in each room when the light is turned on.
>================================================
>Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers
>
>and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can
also do this with towels and linen.
>================================================
>Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer
>
>for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
>================================================
>To clean artificial flowers,
>
>pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers.
>
>Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
>
>and leave your artificial flowers looking like new!
>
>Works like a charm!
>=================================================
>To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet,
>
>simply add a drop or two of dish soap
>
>and enough water to cover bottom of pan,
>
>and bring to a boil on stovetop.
>================================================
>Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray
>
>before pouring in tomato based sauces
>
>and there won't be any stains.
>================================================
>
>Wrap celery in aluminum foil
>
>when putting in the refrigerator
>
>and it will keep for weeks.
>================================================
>When boiling corn on the cob,
>
>add a pinch of sugar
>
>to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
>================================================
>Cure for headaches:
>
>Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
>
>The throbbing will go away.
>================================================
>Don't throw out all that leftover wine:
>
>Freeze into ice cubes for future use
>
>in casseroles and sauces.
>
>Left over wine?
>
>What's that? (lol)
>================================================
>To get rid of itch from mosquito bites,
>
>try applying soap on the area
>
>And you will experience instant relief.
>================================================
>Ants, ants, ants everywhere ....
>
>Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line.
>
>So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor
>
>or wherever ants tend to march.
>
>See for yourself.
>================================================
>Use air-freshener to clean mirrors.
>
>It does a good job and better still,
>
>leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
>================================================
>When you get a splinter,
>
>reach for the scotch tape
>
>before resorting to tweezers or a needle.
>
>Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter,
>
>then pull it off.
>
>Scotch tape removes most splinters
>
>painlessly and easily.
>================================================
>Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
>
>Clean a toilet.
>
>Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets,
>
>wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.
>
>The citric acid and effervescent action
>
>clean vitreous China.
================================================
>Clean a vase.
>
>To remove a stain from the bottom
>
>of a glass vase or cruet,
>
>fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
>================================================
>Polish jewelry.
>
>Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water
>
>and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
>=================================================
>Clean a thermos bottle.
>
>Fill the bottle with water,
>
>drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets,
>
>and let soak for an hour
>
>(or longer, if necessary).
>================================================
>Unclog a drain.
>
>Clear the sink drain by dropping
>
>three Alka Seltzer Tablets down the drain
>
>followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar.
>
>Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
>===============================================
>Do your friends a favor.
>
>Pass this information on to a friend!
>
>I just did.
>
>Makes you wonder about ingesting
>
>Alka Seltzer, doesn't it?
>
>
>
>
>
>

2007-10-24 14:12:14 · 14 answers · asked by Pretti iiN Piink 4

These are short, quick excerpts of some stand up routines that I might do. Rate 1-10.

If I lived in California or Hawaii, I'd probably be a surfer. It looks really cool...sadly, I live here in Toodamncold, Wisconsin. Can't surf here. You see, in Hawaii, when they surf and fall in the water, they yell "Dude, that was RADICAL!!!" In Wisconsin, if you surf and you fall in, you yell "Dude, I need a HOSPITAL!"

As stupid as surfing in Lake Michigan sounds, I would rather do that than skateboard. If you surf and you fall, you fall into soft, smooth, non-bone breaking water. If you skateboard and you fall, your head hits the cement more than Zinadene Zidane's head hits an Italian. But I especially like that one skateboarding move where you slide down a ramped pole...grind, that's it. Because if you're a guy and you fall on that, 2 things go crunch, and they aren't your bones. It's a miracle Tony Hawk was able to have kids.

2007-10-24 13:24:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous