Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Myc*xafloppin. Also considered were Myc*xafailin, Myd*xadrupin, Myd*xarizin, D*xafix, and of course, Ibep*kin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a s*iff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,

2007-10-24 01:00:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make l*ve.

After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"I didn’t feel a thing!"

2007-10-24 00:56:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told
her mother.
'Frank Brown showed me his willy today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It
reminded me of a peanut'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, 'Really small was it?'

Sally replied, 'No...salty!'

2007-10-24 00:46:54 · 2 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

Three pensioners, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." and the third man chimed in, "So am I ,Let's have a beer.''>>>>>>>A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.)Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse>>>>>>A couple in a restaurant in Wales calls the waitress over and asks:can you spell very slowly where we are?the waitress leans over and says very slowly.......Buuuurrrrgerrr Kiiinng !!!!

2007-10-24 00:46:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

LOVE - When your proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When nobody else matters. LUST - When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

2007-10-24 00:46:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.
Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so, it takes
them
ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Roy
"I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried.
He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it.
But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise
lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving,
but a
promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each,
and just as
they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,


"I KNEW IT,......I'M NOT F#CKIN' GOING!"

2007-10-24 00:35:58 · 20 answers · asked by barz 2

1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a
women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already
there.

4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same
time,who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.

5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both
last about 60 seconds.

6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a
bikini.

7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

2007-10-24 00:30:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

HERS:
-----

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:
----

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a 7-11.

7. Gets three hot dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

8. Asks guy behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts.

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at the 7-11 said it was.

14. Almost hits a deer.

15. Curses the night.

16. Curses you.

17. Curses the large slurpee.

2007-10-24 00:27:22 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
Bring beer.

2007-10-24 00:24:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maybe you've heard this one.

One day, a Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson about the six senses.
On this day, the kiddos were learning about the sense "Taste".
So for this experiement, the teacher brought a bag of different flavoured lollipops.
Each kid was blindfolded-and then given a lollipop.
The first one was grape...upon tasting it, immediately the kids shouted;
"Grape! Grape!"
"That's right! " Said the teacher, "My, you have strong senses"
The next one was orange. "Orange!" exclaimed the children
"Right again!"
Then came cherry, butterscotch, apple... And one by one in a row, the children got each correctly!
Finally came the last one...The teacher gave the kids a very interesting flavor (honey) But the children couldn't figure out what it was. After a minute the teacher finally said
"You guys seem to be having some difficulty...Here! I'll give you a hint! The name of this flavor, is a word your mommies and daddies call one another. "
Right at that moment.

2007-10-24 00:17:46 · 6 answers · asked by SchmeeHee 2

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

2007-10-24 00:15:05 · 12 answers · asked by barz 2

Get a fourth to shout 'bingo'.

2007-10-24 00:09:47 · 8 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh#te"

2007-10-24 00:02:52 · 17 answers · asked by barz 2

when you get divorced you get rid of the whole pr1ck

2007-10-24 00:01:26 · 12 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘‘but we don't know anything about each other.'' He said,’ That’s all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'' So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

''That was incredible!'' she said.

''I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

''That was incredible!' he said. 'Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?''

''No,'' she said, ''I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.''

2007-10-23 23:57:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pump kin

2007-10-23 23:47:44 · 4 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the
shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.Both of you have forgotten your purses.It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse has "actually been thrown"it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.Bingo!

2007-10-23 23:41:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

*One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"**"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"**He yelled back, "**University** of **Oklahoma**."**And they say blondes are dumb...*
>>*A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."* *The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."*>>>>Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?A: A rumor>>>>*A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
> >wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.**Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.**The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger Whoosh... he turned 90 !!!!!

2007-10-23 23:41:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wife was already there at the alter looking great. I walked down the aisle to meet her. I kissed her, closed the lid and left.

2007-10-23 23:30:18 · 15 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

The European Commission has just announced that English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

2007-10-23 23:22:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of
fruits
on it.They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e.Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!


Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN.


If you have chosen:
a Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges
I hope you find fulfilment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquillity and all that other profound stuff.Also, I'll bet that right now you would like to find me and kick me....Well, You won't find me....because I am still hunting down the one who send this..

2007-10-23 23:22:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please join us in remembering another great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described D/boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. D/boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was a roll model for millions. D/boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John D and Jane D plus they had one in the oven. funeral at 3.50 for 20 mins!!

2007-10-23 23:22:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."============ For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house Is £280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front Door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard youTelling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

2007-10-23 23:22:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

2007-10-23 23:15:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord

2007-10-23 23:10:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

2007-10-23 23:09:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

2007-10-23 23:07:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

when one of his field hands comes running in, and shouts, "Seamus, Seamus, i was down in the field there and all your cows have bluetongue!" Seamus replies, "what? I never knew they had mobiles!"

2007-10-23 23:05:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.

How do you make a witch stew?
Keep her waiting for hours.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
He's mist.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference?
Pumpkin Pi.

What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A wash-and-werewolf.

What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.

What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy.

Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.

Where do vampires live?
In the Vampire State Building.

Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.

Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical.

What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.

What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners.

Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school.

What does a goblin shop for?
Grosseries.

How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.

What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones.

Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
She had to give a screech.

What's a goblin's favorite flavor?
Lemon n' Slime.

Why wasn't the vampire working?
He was on his coffin break.

How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
By scareplane.

How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
By witchful thinking.

What's a ghoul's favorite breakfast cereal?
Rice Creepies.

Why did the witch's mail rattle?
It was a chain letter.

2007-10-23 23:04:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pete walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."

She says, "What color?"

He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."

2007-10-23 23:00:54 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous