Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A couple was sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked: "Who created the Earth and man?"

The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "GOD!"

The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?"

Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"

Again, the priest said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam, when she didn't want any more children?"

The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he got up and screamed: "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"

2007-10-23 11:19:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot and just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't seen a thing, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises slightly and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down again.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

And the waiter say's ...................................................


You're going to love this..................
























"Ah! ....... So velly velly solly sir," says the waiter, "I bling you Peeking Duck!"

2007-10-23 11:14:24 · 11 answers · asked by Angela G 4

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here".

2007-10-23 11:13:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother.

2007-10-23 11:10:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nowadays 80% of women have decided against marriage.They have realised that for the sake of 4oz of sausage its not worth marrying the whole bloody pig!

2007-10-23 11:07:25 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?"

"Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in
anyway!"

2.Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

3.A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

2007-10-23 10:59:24 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

paul duncan: A Common Bum
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

2007-10-23 10:55:05 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

2007-10-23 10:34:04 · 5 answers · asked by DJ 5

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the
lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my
glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm taking you to church, to confession".
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to
the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now."

2007-10-23 10:30:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it
sounds
> like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it is true.
>
> John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the
road
> hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
>
> The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong
he
> could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car
slowly
> coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
without
> thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to
realise
> there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
>
> The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw
a
> curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
> Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
> window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
the
> hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.
>
> Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so,
> gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
out of
> breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible
> experience he had just had.
>
> A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
> and....wasn't drunk.
>
> Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
stormy
> night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
> Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said
to
> the other....
>
> 'Look Paddy.....there's that f*cking idiot that got in the car while
we
> were pushing it!!!!'

2007-10-23 10:29:07 · 10 answers · asked by Angela G 4

A man walked into a curio shop in Sydney. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; & I won't be bringing it back." As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, & began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot towards the Harbour. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions & they were all squealing & coming

2007-10-23 10:20:00 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

My dad and I were driving down a road it was really really dark and rainy we were driving then we got a flat tire we saw a house so we knocked on the door it opened by itself and creaked like in the scary movies we walk in and yell can we use your phone we have a flat tire then we heard very quietly "when the log rolls over we'll all be dead." We didnt think anything of it so we walked up ther stairs we saw becuase there was a light in a door we yelled can we use your phone we have a flat tire then we heard it louder when the log rolls over we'll all be dead so we kept on walking then we saw the door and heard it again so we decided that it was coming from there so we open the door and saw an old toilet and a big turd was in there and we saw 4 ants on it saying when the log rolls over we'll all be over
Its funnier you hear it :P

2007-10-23 10:19:46 · 9 answers · asked by Len 1

http://view.break.com/384045

2007-10-23 10:05:59 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

a murderer and a leper into the jail.suddenly,the leper's ear falls down.the man throws it thrrough the window.after that,his nose falls down.he throws it through the window...2 days later,another ear of the leper falls on the ground.so he takes it and throws it through the window.the murderer says:hey,u really want to escape right??

2007-10-23 10:01:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize,
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?" He replied "Well that feels great but my thumb still hurts like hell!

2007-10-23 09:58:38 · 3 answers · asked by she_sucks@life 3

http://mysharedfiles.no-ip.org/Funny/GhostlyCarAd.wmv

This is a car advertisement from Great Britain. When they finished filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist. They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot.

The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon. Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road.... Spooky!

Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist? You decide. If you listen to the ad, you'll even hear the cameraman whispering in the background about it near the end of the commercial.

A little creepy but pretty cool ! KIND OF AN EARLY HAPPY HALLOWEEN THING...

( If you have a heart condition, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU!!! )

If you have the heart and stomach to watch this let me know what you thought of this. Thanks

Happy Halloween,

2007-10-23 09:55:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

JESUS came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, mother, sometimes you really p*** me off."

2007-10-23 09:50:22 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

got a peanut stuck up me ear
the doctor poured chocolate in me ear
and it come out a treat

'appy daze

2007-10-23 09:27:49 · 16 answers · asked by oh no,,,it's the kevsta 4

a man goes on a first date with a woman he really fancies, on the way home the woman invites him in for a coffee, the man was reluctant as he suffers from wind after drinking coffee, but thought it was too good to miss, so he takes up the offer and joins her for a cup of coffee.
He sits down on the sofa while she makes a coffee and the family dog curls up at his feet.
whilst sat on the sofa he took a sip and could feel a fart coming on... he couldnt help breaking wind....
'ROVER!' shouts the woman at her dog, so the man thinks 'great she thinks its the dog, im alright here!'
the man takes another sip and surely he farts again..
'ROVER!' the woman shouts again at her dog....
the man takes another sip and this time he lets out a REALLY loud fart....
'FOR CHRIST' SAKE ROVER!' the woman shouts, 'MOVE OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE HE SH*TS ON YOU!!'

2007-10-23 09:13:31 · 12 answers · asked by *Xx Ashleigh xX* 3

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both f*cked.

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A b**w j*b with handlebars

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A whine and cheese party!

2007-10-23 08:49:00 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Lifeline. Like everything else in this country, it had been outsourced and I was put through to a call center in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck.

2007-10-23 08:46:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice.

Q. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A. To cover the valve stem.

Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.

Q. What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?
A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.

2007-10-23 08:45:32 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

2007-10-23 08:39:45 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby
> >shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a
> >little boy?"
> >
> >"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
> >
> >"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first
> >baby.
> >
> >"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was
> >the reply.
> >
> >"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll
> >climb into your
>crib and find out."
> >
> >He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's
> >crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
> >
> >After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big
> >grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a
> >little boy," he said proudly.
> >
> >"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how
> >can you tell?"
> >
> >"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
> >"you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
> >
> >
> >SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
> >
> >

2007-10-23 08:29:31 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said,
"She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

2007-10-23 07:44:31 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A:Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A:To keep from falling in the stew!

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A:Because they're very short - tempered!

2007-10-23 07:37:01 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

thought it might be so that it sticks in peoples minds, otherwise i just dont get the advert!

2007-10-23 07:24:38 · 12 answers · asked by Tilly j 2

If it fell because your neighbor cut it, it is your neighbor's responsibility. If it fell on its own its called "force majeure" and no one is responsible. Therefore no one is responsible to remove it. Do you need the firewood?

2007-10-23 07:15:12 · 8 answers · asked by prettyvacant8007 1

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".**The questions are not that difficult, so don't cheat by looking ahead!. *
*Question Number 1**How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? *
*The correct answer is: **Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. *
*This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.*
*Question Number 2*
*How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?**Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.** **
**Correct Answer:**Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in** **the elephant and
close the door. *
**This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.* **
*Question Number 3* *The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?*
*Correct Answer: **The Elephant. **The Elephant is in the refrigerator.**Remember?**
**This tests your memory.** **OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your abilities.**Question Number 4**There is a river you must cross. But crocodiles inhabit it. ** *How do you manage it?**Correct Answer: You swim across. Why? **All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. **This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.*

2007-10-23 05:36:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lets face it.
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that.
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth.
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables.
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play.
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways.
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day.
And as cold as hell on another.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy.
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form.
By filling it out .
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why.
When the stars are out they are visible.
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch.
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem.
It ends.

2007-10-23 05:05:19 · 15 answers · asked by RT 3