Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.

Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player?
He wanted to buy a bowel.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
Eur-o-pean.

2007-10-23 22:58:59 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

2007-10-23 22:57:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Each run seperately towards the pool and the last thing they say before jumping into the pool, will be inside the pool as they dive in.

The Frenchman runs and the last word he says is wine, et vöila, he is swimming in wine.....

The German runs and the last word he says is beer, and he is swiming in beer........

The American goes extra far back and starts sprinting towards the pool, and just as he wants to jump he trips and says Shiiit

Oh well....poor guy

2007-10-23 22:55:46 · 5 answers · asked by ricci M 3

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.
Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox.
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2 a.m.

2007-10-23 22:50:54 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

johnny saw his mum laying on the bed nude rubbing herself saying "oh god i want a man, i need a man", 3 days later johnny heard a mans voice from mums bedroom, he thought this is amazing, so he run to his room striped off, jump on his bed, rubbing his hands all over himself yelling, "OH GOD I WANT A BIKE, I NEED A BIKE"

2007-10-23 22:09:00 · 8 answers · asked by maxasmax 1

okay considering all accounts from the story is real... except one element only!
Can you spot which one is not real??



So the story follows a story of a young boy named SAM,
his father left his family a long time ago and his mother is dying as the story told...
to compensate all this unfortunate event that struck this family, Sam was forced to be the backbone of the family being a dishwasher in a restaurant.
one day Sam is sleeping under the tree out of his fatigue due to overwork....
then he had a dream....
in his dream his dying mother came to him and told him that finally she is going to die in a few minutes... but she does not want to die alone.... she want to brought him with her....

after this event....
the cruel owner of the restaurant came to him and tried to wake him up to told him to continue his work.... only to find the dead body of the kid....

Everyone claimed the last time they saw the kid was the time that the kid was going out to find a place to sleep

2007-10-23 21:47:10 · 15 answers · asked by >D_ConTradictor< 4

Eve's Side Of The Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So,
how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I
have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle
one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my
arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real
pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came
in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she
put it.

"That is a fair point," replied! God, "But ! it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only
half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create
a man from a part of you..

Now let's see............Where did I put the useless boob?

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

2007-10-23 21:44:07 · 5 answers · asked by jake5282 2

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....

2007-10-23 20:19:38 · 29 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business. Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

2007-10-23 19:59:29 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

During the flood,how many animals did Moses have on the Ark?

2007-10-23 19:46:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ***?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry.

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

2007-10-23 19:42:36 · 26 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

2007-10-23 19:38:43 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Girl: when we get married, i want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. boy: it's very kind of you, darling, but i don't have any worries or troubles. girl: well that is because we aren't married yet

2007-10-23 19:10:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy was painting a tall building next to a church. He dropped the brush & swore, "Son of a b*tch!". Climbed down the ladder, got the brush, then climbed back up and continued painting. This happened a few more times and everytime he dropped the brush, he said, "Son of a b*tch!". Finally, the preacher came out and said, "Next time you drop the brush, say Praise the Lord". So, when the painter dropped the brush again, he said "Praise the lord" & the brush floated back up to him. The preacher said, 'Son of a b*tch!"

2007-10-23 19:07:01 · 9 answers · asked by Naruto 6

"Stand back! I don't know how big this thing's gonna get"!

2007-10-23 18:47:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eve stripped off the leaf, and jumped in the water. Adam said "Dang! Now I'll NEVER get that smell off the fish!"

2007-10-23 18:21:41 · 9 answers · asked by Rick G2 5

How do you stop tooting after eating beans? What should you do when you toot and do not have air freshener? Pu!!!

2007-10-23 17:25:05 · 7 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

2007-10-23 17:21:08 · 5 answers · asked by Pretti iiN Piink 4

2007-10-23 17:20:38 · 5 answers · asked by Pretti iiN Piink 4

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

my wife made be post it

2007-10-23 17:08:43 · 6 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks ! down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

continued..........

2007-10-23 16:16:22 · 11 answers · asked by rendezvous_rama 3

The worlds hardest riddle?
I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle? Just repost this bulletin with the title "The World's Hardest Riddle", and then check your inbox. You'll get a message with the correct answer in it AND TRUST ME IT WAS THE MOST SIMPLEST THING U WOULDNT HAVE GUESSED

2007-10-23 16:11:07 · 21 answers · asked by Christina 3

> The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
> checks,
> interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and
> a
> woman.
>
> For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
> metal door
> and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
> instructions
> no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your
> wife
> sitting in a chair.. Kill Her!!"
>
> The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
>
> The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
> wife
> and go home."
>
> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
> came out
> with tears in his eyes, " I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
>
> The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
> home."
>
> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction,
> to
> kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
> heard,
> one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
> walls.
> After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
> stood
> the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
>
> The agent asked, "What on earth was all that racket that we heard?"
>
> The woman said...
>
>
>
>
> "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said, "I had to beat him to death
> with
> the chair."
>
>
> Moral:
>
> Women are evil
> Don't mess with them

2007-10-23 16:09:03 · 13 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

I prefer the long story type, but short jokes are good too. Just wanted to send him something to cheer him up and make him laugh.

2007-10-23 16:07:36 · 18 answers · asked by Amber S 2

1) How many of each type of animal did Moses take aboard?
2)Pretend you're trapped in a box. There're no windows, doors or any possible way to get out. So... how do you get out?

2007-10-23 16:05:22 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," conan said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


bonus oldie

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-
eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

2007-10-23 16:04:34 · 4 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

the funniest thing that your kid(s) have ever said or done??? (or embarassing)!!!!!!

2007-10-23 15:57:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of he evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

2007-10-23 15:55:50 · 5 answers · asked by Dana 2

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

2007-10-23 15:49:33 · 22 answers · asked by im a good listener! 3

2007-10-23 15:22:45 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous