Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

During an unspecified time, a man murders Ashley, a woman that was staying at the Sunrise Apartments. He hits her with a blunt object forcing trauma to the victims head and stabs her in the chest. Afterwards, another girl, Kathy, comes to the scene. In a panic, the murder hits Kathy with the same blunt object and flees the scene. A few minutes later the dish boy, work at the bar across from the apartment, was taking out the trash. He sees the body's and calls the police.

Victim: Ashley Stones
Witness: Kathy Ramos, Adam Stones (The dish washer and also Ashley's boyfriend.)
Suspect: Mike Waters

Your Court Records Are:

The Murder Objects.
Kathy's testimony.
The finger prints to the murder weapon.
Autopsy Report.
Adam Stones Probation for excessive drinking.

Who is the murderer, how did it happen?

2007-10-24 08:11:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

2007-10-24 08:04:54 · 22 answers · asked by Whoever_U_Are 3

C is for Credit Cards that make buying a breeze.
H is for your Headache when your cards are seized.
R is for Remembering everyone on your list.
I is for feeling Insulted when your gifts are dissed.
S is for feeling Stressed when you’re on the fly.
T is for the Truckloads of presents that you buy.
M is for your Massive debt that soars into the sky.
A is for the Awful feeling that you’ve gone astray.
S is for your Sorrow and the tears you’ll shed today.

2007-10-24 08:02:47 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

2007-10-24 07:55:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm looking for cheesy, not utility

2007-10-24 06:22:27 · 14 answers · asked by Nate 6

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...

2007-10-24 06:19:42 · 5 answers · asked by I, Sapient 7

The Riddler has left a clue for Batman to follow at the scene of each crime. These are the clues that Batman has found: (1) There is a 1 in the thousands place. ? (2) The digit in the tens place is 9 times the digit in the thousands place. ? (3) Multiply the digit in the thousands place by 2. ? (4) The digit in the ones place is a hand without a thumb. ? (5) The digit in the hundreds is 2 less than the number in the tens. Solve the riddle to find the number and help Batman stop the Riddler.

2007-10-24 06:07:43 · 7 answers · asked by Peace 4

What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

2007-10-24 05:46:36 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres a liverpudlian and a glaswegian in a car .....whos driving ?







.......the police !!!!

2007-10-24 05:45:55 · 13 answers · asked by massdebater 3

A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he
noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it
was leaking oil all over the road.
The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the
mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to
look at first but if he came back in an hour he could tell the penguin
what was wrong with his car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk.
He found an ice-cream shop and thought a big bowl of vanilla ice cream
would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in
the summer, after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on his
ice cream. Of course he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time
he was done he had ice cream all over his flippers, and his mouth was a
total mess.
He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you
find out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No no," said the penguin. "It's just ice cream."

2007-10-24 05:41:45 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today
we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me,
Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is
your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says,'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
bl*w j*b".

2007-10-24 05:38:28 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my goodness! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ....would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

.....

2007-10-24 05:36:13 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Joanne♥ 3

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
>
> HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS
> NOW.
>
> HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
> PGE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
>
> FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T
> CLOSE RIGHT
>
> TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO
>
> FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE
> ABOUT TO BREAK
>
> I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
> HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF
> YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
>
> SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE?OF HOURS.....
> HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
>
> AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
>
> AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
>
> AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
>
> HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
>
> SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
>
> JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
>
> HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH
> HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
>
> HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
>
> SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO...DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO!

2007-10-24 05:28:00 · 6 answers · asked by ღKrissyღ 5

F1 Announcement

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower!

2007-10-24 05:16:13 · 19 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking
Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He's heading for home, along Argyle Street some time before
dawn.

Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees
nothing.

He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks.

What's going on here?

A few yards further on and........BANG. Smacked on the back of
the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he
looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground.

How odd!

A few more yards further along the street and........crash.

Smacked on the back of the head yet again! He whirls round as quick as
he can - nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down
and there's a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers
into the darkness of the night.

Nothing.

He walks a few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the
shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast
as he can.

He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching
his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden
with a chunk of cheese and a pickled onion.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With
his dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you?"


...


Are you ready?...


Brace yourself...


...






....



....



....



...

"BUFFET, the vampire slayer."

2007-10-24 04:59:33 · 34 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?
-
-
-
-
-
-
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading he

2007-10-24 04:45:02 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

The school nurse, in her attempt to educate the seventh graders on the dangers of alcohol, set up a demonstration.
"This glass is full of pure grain alcohol," she said, "and this one has ordinary tapwater. Now watch."
She proceeded to drop a live earthworm in each glass. The worm in the water swam about happily while the other squirmed, shriveled up and died.
"Now can anyone tell me what you've learned from this?" she asked.
The slacker in the back row raised his hand and responded, "If I drink alcohol, then I won't get worms."

2007-10-24 04:41:54 · 11 answers · asked by ponyboy 81 5

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

Exposure

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess"

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife. Extreme Force

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.

Extreme Cold

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.

Extreme Heat

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.

Immersion

A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.

Summary of Results

The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.

2007-10-24 04:41:08 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

The Life Cycle of Software


Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
See 3.
See 4.
See 5.
See 6.
See 7.
See 8.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
See step 2

2007-10-24 04:40:17 · 7 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

2007-10-24 04:26:59 · 21 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

2007-10-24 04:25:51 · 18 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors about the local
priest.
The first nun reported, "I was going through Father's office the other day,
and
do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room
putting
away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent violation of the
priest's chastity vow.

"What did you do???" they asked.

"I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun.

"I poked holes in all of the condoms!"

The third nun fainted.

2007-10-24 04:07:20 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new
doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was
pregnant. She burst out screaming, as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him
her
story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was
and
demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has
four
grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up
asked,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

2007-10-24 04:06:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

---------------

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

---------------

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

---------------

2007-10-24 03:13:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-24 02:48:24 · 14 answers · asked by cold_cat_john 2

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

2007-10-24 02:29:48 · 29 answers · asked by ♥ 2

A Mother had 3 virg*n daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their s*x life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital s*x felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:

"Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

2007-10-24 02:27:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Jonny on: Survival
Little Jonny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Jonny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?¡° replied the man. "
Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Jonny, "he minded his own f*cking business!!"

2007-10-24 01:13:13 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant
Shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an
Absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and
as a result its language is a touch flowery".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,
"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So
saying,
she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and
squawks at the woman. "F===! .... me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman
Trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un-f===king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now
two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes,"
complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.
"In-f==king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new
prostitutes, but the same old clients ....

How ya doin', Dave?.

2007-10-24 01:08:42 · 11 answers · asked by barz 2

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does a Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

2007-10-24 01:05:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous