Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

and mattew kelly says whats your name.
my name is simon says man to mattew,
mattew asks what happened to simon,
well mattew simons says, i was in a car crash wiyh my uncle and i had to have my legs amputated and my uncle died, but my uncles legs were fine so the doctor stiched my uncles legs on to me, but i am still not quite ready to walk, mattew
oh dear says mattew kelly, now tell simon who are you going to be toinght
toinght mattew i am going to be
simon and halfuncle

2007-10-25 09:46:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-25 09:43:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy was at the ladies tee ready to hit his shot, when over the loud speaker he hears, "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the mens tee". He decides to ignore this and is still getting ready to hit his shot. Again over the loudspeaker he hears "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the mens tee". No worries, the guy thinks, I'll just hit this shot and be on my way, when again, louder this time he hears "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the mens tee". He so frustrated at this point he shouts back "would the guy in the clubhouse shut the F**k up and let me hit my second shot!"

2007-10-25 09:32:22 · 6 answers · asked by Timeflo 4

5 things you never want to hear your doctor say right before he gives you the anesthesia:

5. A few more minutes and we'll begin, Dr. Copperfield.
4. (if your doctor is a Yankees fan) Hey, this guy likes the Red Sox, right?
3. (if your surgery is on your foot) Shh...open heart surgery requires concentration!
2. Dude, I am so ******* hammered right now.
1. I'm just saying, if a .300 average is good for baseball hitters, how is it not good for surgeons?

2007-10-25 09:23:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

why did the chicken cross the road?
because its mother told it to.

hahaha star if you liked it?

2007-10-25 09:09:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this guy, and he has a tattoo of the name "Wendy" on

his penis. So, he's at a urinal going pee, and there's a guy

standing next to him. He looks down at the other guys penis and says "Oh, your girlfriend's name is Wendy, too?" Then the other guy goes "No, mine says "Went to Mexico have a nice day"


haha I think it's funny!

2007-10-25 08:41:13 · 11 answers · asked by Arielle 5

One day, a spastic decides to go on a shopping spree

first he goes to a bakers:
he walks in and asks 'can i have a bum?'

the baker gives him a strange look and says 'dont you mean a bun?'
the man replies 'yes'

next, he goes into a DIY store, and goes up to the counter and asks 'can i have a Fuckit?'
the man at the counter replies 'dont you mean a Bucket?'

the tard replies 'yes'

finally, he goes into a pet shop and asks 'can i have a Cockandstratchit?'

the petstore assistant givs him a funny look, and says 'dont you mean a cocker spaniel?'
'yes' replies the man

on the way home, his cocker spaniel runs off

so he goes up to an old man and says:

'Will you hold my bum and Fuckit, while i find my Cockandstratchit?'

2007-10-25 08:37:38 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom worked for a brewery for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress,
he quits his job and lives as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week etc.... Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Bob, your neighbour from ten miles up the road... having a
party Friday night... thought you might like to come."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months here I'm ready to meet some locals"

As Bob is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em."

"More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

2007-10-25 08:18:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

2007-10-25 08:11:54 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

2007-10-25 08:08:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

2007-10-25 08:06:48 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

2007-10-25 08:03:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I'm never going to work for that man again"
"Why, what did he say?"
"You're fired"

2007-10-25 07:57:30 · 13 answers · asked by Davis J 1

Man #1 - "Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?"
Man #2 - "Nope never!"
Man #1 - "Yeah, they're making all the head lines"

I found it hilarious when it was delivered to me.

2007-10-25 07:56:19 · 6 answers · asked by shiznid12 1

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

2007-10-25 07:55:59 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

2007-10-25 07:47:26 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."

2007-10-25 07:46:48 · 18 answers · asked by Davis J 1

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's".

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

2007-10-25 07:44:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

2007-10-25 07:39:18 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

2007-10-25 07:37:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

2007-10-25 07:37:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."

2007-10-25 07:36:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

2007-10-25 07:33:35 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you
know,take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered,

Saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with
Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right
damn number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.


After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong'
number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a-hole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'a-hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a-hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a-hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,
"Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if
you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called
him back and said, "That's because you're an a-hole!" and
hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a
parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled
into the spot I
had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd
been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I
noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down
his number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first a-hole
(I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the
BMW a-hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can
see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.


It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a-hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a-holes to call.

When I came up with an idea. I called a-hole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an a-hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "a-hole, I live

at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black
Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a-hole," and hung up.

Then I called a-hole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, a-hole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your a.ss,"

I answered, "Well, a-hole, here's your chance. I'm coming
over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that lived at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two a-holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

2007-10-25 07:27:10 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes for a prostate exam. The proctologist is checking him out when he discovers a roll of hundreds in the guy’s colon. He pulls it out and counts the money.

“You’re not going to believe this,” says the doctor. “But I’ve just found $1,900 inside your rectum.”

“Hmm,” says the patient. “Well, I guess that explains why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

2007-10-25 07:12:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pretty sure it can't be done, especially in the car.

2007-10-25 07:10:49 · 1 answers · asked by You mean that? 2

no
how tall is his name
ha ha any body else find it funny

2007-10-25 07:05:21 · 19 answers · asked by sarah g 2

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "you died in you sleep, Ralph" Ralph was stunned. "i'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. send me back!" St.Peter said, "I'm sorry but there's only one way you can go back,, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was decastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. a rooster strolled past. "so you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied ralph the hen. "but i have this strange feeling inside. Like i'm gunna explode!" "you're ovulating" explained the Rooster. "don't tell me you never laid an egg before?" "Never," replied ralph.

2007-10-25 07:01:15 · 13 answers · asked by ? 6

A bear walks into a pub and says
"I'll have a gin










and tonic please."
The barman says "Sure but why the big pause?"
The bear shrugs and replies "I was born with them."

2007-10-25 06:35:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

..........string?

2007-10-25 06:18:14 · 27 answers · asked by Ghost Boy 7