Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

2007-10-26 05:45:48 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

In church one sunday someone ( gay man) put 500.00$$ in the chuch offering plate so the minister asked "who ever put the 500.00 in the offering plate, please stand up, so we may thank you with a hynm!." so the man stands up and the minister asked him to pick a hynm, and the man say's, " oh my !! I think I'll take him, him, and him

2007-10-26 05:44:56 · 3 answers · asked by Bigpoppa 2

2007-10-26 05:42:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a dog is walking along the road with its owner, when it sees another dog on the other side of the road, well it drags its owner across the road and they are both killed by the number 11 double decker lol
star if you think its funny, thanks lol

2007-10-26 05:29:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hospital gown. He sits on a stool and asks the barman for a large brandy. The barman duly obliges and the man drinks it down in one, he then asks for the same again. This is repeated several more times untill the man says " I shouldn't really be drinking that, with what I've got". The barman says "why what have you got?" . To which the man replies "50 pence"!!!!

2007-10-26 05:24:17 · 18 answers · asked by dickyb 2

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!" The Teacher fainted.

2007-10-26 05:22:15 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what! We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the little girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

2007-10-26 05:16:17 · 7 answers · asked by Calvary 2

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

2007-10-26 05:15:58 · 5 answers · asked by me here, where are you? 3

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.

Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

2007-10-26 05:13:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

there's a blond in the middle of a corn field rowing a boat when another blond drives by. seeing what the other blond is doing she gets out of her car and yells "its blonde's like you that give blonde's like me a bad name and if i could swim i would go out there and kick your ***"

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?A: Because it said "CONCENTRATE."

Johnny in school?A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby, what is round and red?'' Bobby says, ''A banana!'' The teacher says, ''No, Bobby, it's an apple, but at least I know that you were thinking.'' The teacher asks him again what is long and yellow and Bobby says, ''An apple!'' The teacher says, ''NoBobby, but at least you you were thinking.'' Bobby then looked down in his desk and asked the teacher, ''What is 4 inches long, yellow and has red on the tip?'' The teacher says, ''BOBBY!! Is that what I think it is? A penis?'' Bobby says, ''No, it's a match, but at least I know you were thinking"!!

2007-10-26 05:05:56 · 13 answers · asked by ? 2

wife is in bed reading a book
husband comes into the room with a sheep under one arm and says "this is the pig I f**k when you've got a headache"
the wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep"
the husband replies "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

2007-10-26 05:03:46 · 26 answers · asked by ? 2

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

2007-10-26 05:02:11 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-26 05:01:19 · 11 answers · asked by dikesh069 1

You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.

You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

Your family prays AFTER they eat!

2007-10-26 04:58:26 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is pulled over by the police for drink driving, the copper asks him to blow into the breathaliser. The man pulls a card out of his wallet which read "this man is an asthmatic, do not allow him to blow into a breathaliser signed dr smith".
The copper then asks to take him down to the police station for a blood test, again the man pulls a card out of his wallet which read " this man is a haemopheliac please do not draw blood from him".
By this time the copper was really pi*sed off, "right you funny bastsard I'll take you down the station for a urine sample" he said, again the man pulls a card out of his pocket which read " this man is a sunderland supporter please do not take the pi*s out of him".

2007-10-26 04:56:37 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes.... The fat is free!"

2007-10-26 04:56:25 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

2007-10-26 04:56:17 · 10 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

Once there were three boys sitting in the park, and a police officer came over to them, and told them they had to come with him to the court because there had been reports of something strange going on in the park.
So, when they got to the court, the judge asked the bailif to bring the first little boy in, and the judge asked him what he had seen. The little boy said "Well, sir, there were these two people, and they were ******". Judge said "Son, i dont' allow that kind of language in my court room, bailiff, take him out."

So, the judge called in the second little boy, and asked him what he had seen. Little boy said "Well, sir, there were these two people, and they were screwing." Judge again said "I don't allow that kind of language, take him out too."

2007-10-26 04:48:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you - father of four!"

2007-10-26 04:47:58 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

2007-10-26 04:43:39 · 17 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

2007-10-26 04:41:16 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

2007-10-26 04:23:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cat and a dog in a bar, the cat said to the dog, whats with the long face?

HAHAHAHA
Star if you loved it.

2007-10-26 04:06:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

As they seem in love he relents and gives them his blessing. On the morning of the wedding he takes his daughter to one side and says ' You are innocent in the ways of the world, your future husband will have more experience. Sailors are known for different practices, if in the marital bed he asks you to do it 'the other way' refuse'
After a year of marriage she is still intrigued by this. On their anniversary she says ' Darling , just this once could we do it the 'other way'?'

'What! and risk you getting pregnant?'

2007-10-26 03:48:55 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-26 03:39:28 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cornbread
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.

2007-10-26 03:10:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two white South Africans and a black South African in jail discussing why they got locked up.

The first white South African begins by saying, "I got five years for assault. The judge said that I was very lucky because if it had been assault with intent to kill, I would have gotten ten years."

The second white South African begins his story. "I got ten years for robbery. The judge said that I was very lucky because if it was armed robbery, I would have gotten fifteen years."

It is now the black South Africans turn. "I got twenty five years for riding my bike with no lights on. The judge said that I was very lucky because if it had been dark at the time, I would have gotten life."

need i say .. pls star if it got you to smile..

2007-10-26 03:03:26 · 3 answers · asked by cerebral_orgasm 4

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bl**ding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your b*lls off!"

2007-10-26 02:44:49 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

best answer will go to the one who submits the best joke as an answer

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

2007-10-26 02:32:08 · 10 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How the hell do you breath out of that thing?


What does a horny frog say?

"Rub it"

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

Do you think he saurus.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service his hens. He got himself a new rooster and let him loose with the old rooster. The young rooster went right over to the old rooster and challenged him to a fight. The old rooster said, "Sonny, I'm too old to fight. Just follow me around, and I'll show you the place." The young rooster agreed and started to follow the old rooster around. The old rooster showed him the barn, then the hen house...then started to run. The young rooster thought the old rooster was trying to pull a quick one, so he chased after him madly.

All of a sudden, there came a loud "Bang!" and there stood the farmer, muttering "Dangit, that's the third gay rooster I've had to kill this month."

2007-10-26 02:25:33 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous