Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Imagine you could dig a well right through the earth. What would happen to a tennis ball thrown in it? I have had this question since my childhood, and still can't think of an answer.

2007-10-26 20:20:56 · 21 answers · asked by shrikantbhatt 2

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either." "

Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

2007-10-26 20:15:15 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, I've got a big problem doctor.

Every time were in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.

My dear, the shrink said, thats completely natural. I dont see what the problem is.

The problem is,... she complained, It wakes me up!

2007-10-26 20:00:39 · 22 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"

2007-10-26 19:48:48 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A girl's best friend,
Shining and sparkling to the end.
Worn on rings,
Among other things.
What am I?


"Best Answer" = the 1 who answers correctly frist!!

2007-10-26 19:46:58 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.

The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years. So he buys a new **** from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose.

The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster- "I've got to do something about this!"

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town?

I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on", he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, his lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, his lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "I declare, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.

2007-10-26 19:41:21 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.


There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.


"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".


"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"


"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".


And with that ..Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


"Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree"


"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?


"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...







Ees









Ees


Wait for it!








Ees











Ees














Eees a Ham Bush.

2007-10-26 19:35:15 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-10-26 19:32:19 · 17 answers · asked by purplestarry 3

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

2007-10-26 19:20:42 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.



Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.



A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"



A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."



This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Theres no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"



When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.



A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."



Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"



Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.



A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."



A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."



A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.



There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns,in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."



A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

2007-10-26 19:06:25 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.

There's too much fraternising with the enemy.



There's a fine line between fishing and

standing on the shore like an idiot.



Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?

I think that's how dogs spend their lives.



Don't worry about the world ending today...

It's already tomorrow in New Zealand.

(unless you're in New Zealand -then start worrying)



Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.



Character is what you are.

Reputation is what people think you are.



Drive carefully

It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.



A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire

his work..



A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.



Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.



The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.



There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.



If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.



A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two

things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

2007-10-26 18:56:56 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

What did the witch doctor say to you!

2007-10-26 18:50:13 · 9 answers · asked by aswkingfish 5

a couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word.

an earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

as they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "relatives of yours?"

yep!! the wife replied..........inlaws

2007-10-26 18:15:21 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-26 18:05:00 · 11 answers · asked by Lori 2

I woke up one night and heard my clock strike "one." I was too tired to turn on the light to see what time it was. As I lay there pondering, it occurred to me to speculate how long I would have to lie awake in order to be sure what was the exact time. My clock strikes the hours and strikes "one" each half hour. I fell asleep before I solved the problem, but can you work out what is the longest time I would have to lie awake after hearing the strike "one," to be sure of the time?

2007-10-26 17:44:11 · 7 answers · asked by Siddhartha Basu 4

2007-10-26 17:07:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-26 15:51:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

music. He sits at the piano and plays the most beautiful music the club owner has ever heard.
The owner says 'That's incredible! I've never heard anything like it. What's it called?
The musician says, 'I call it: You filthy rat-basterd you slept with my sister and now I'm going to kill you' The owner is shocked and cant believe that a song so wonderful would have such a bad title. 'Let me hear another' the owner says.
The musician plays a more upbeat tune, but still hauntingly beautiful. Curious, the owner asks the name of the song.
'That was My F******* C*** has Itchy Warts' ... The club owner decides to hire him as long as he doesn't reveal the names of his songs.
On opening night, he WOWS the crowd with his music and proceeds to get drunk on stage. Excusing himself to the restroom he comes back drunk and with his fly open.

The crowd begins shouting
"Hey! Do you know your fly is open and your D**** is hanging out??
'KNOW IT?' he sputters "I WROTE IT!!!"

2007-10-26 15:05:45 · 13 answers · asked by boom chicki boom 3

We've all heard about people having guts or balls,but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

2007-10-26 13:47:39 · 17 answers · asked by Pustic 4

A guy goes to his doctor and says,
"Doc, I have a problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

2007-10-26 13:40:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

2007-10-26 13:38:28 · 19 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Mickey Mouse tries to convince a judge to get him divorced from Minnie.
"I'm sorry Mickey, said the judge, but your claiming Minnie is crazy is not a valid reason for divorce" !

"I didn't say she was crazy, said Mikey, I said she was f.ucking Goofy" !

2007-10-26 13:36:44 · 16 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A man gets home from his local Chinese Takeaway and puts his Beef Chow mein on a plate. He tucks in and after a few forkfulls, notices the food is very chewy, so much, he can't eat it. Quite miffed, he rings the takeaway back. "Hello, i've just got home and sat down to eat my meal. I'm not one to complain, but, well, it's rubbery"
The man at the takeaway replies "Oh, thank you verry much! Come again!"

2007-10-26 13:16:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Eskimo has broken down with his snowmobile and brings it to the repair shop.
After checking it out, the service mechanic says,

"looks like you blew a seal"

The Eskimo looks at him, stun and says,

"No, that's frost on my moustache" !

2007-10-26 12:59:42 · 9 answers · asked by Trucky 5

An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly "Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle."
Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says snootily "Chanel No 5, £150 a bottle."
A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying "Broccoli, 25p a pound."

2007-10-26 12:49:14 · 18 answers · asked by tastybits 7

A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob" where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee..."

2007-10-26 12:47:29 · 16 answers · asked by tastybits 7

An Irish Firing Squad stands in circle !

2007-10-26 12:34:12 · 14 answers · asked by Trucky 5

man goes to his local shop, kinda like a pharmacy, says to the woman "have u got any condoms" she goes no but have u tried boots !!!
i wanna fuc her not kick her to death

2007-10-26 12:33:35 · 6 answers · asked by Benjy C 2

they total 30p and one of them isn't a 20p. How does this work?

2007-10-26 12:28:50 · 7 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Two IRA volunteers are waiting in ambush for an English patrol.
It is due to pass at midday but hasn't arrived by 13.00 hrs.
Then goes 14.00 then 15.00.
Seamus is getting worried.
"God, Sean, tey're awful late. I hope nothin' happened to them" !

2007-10-26 12:28:14 · 9 answers · asked by Trucky 5