Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A guy walks into a bar and sees a hooker at a table, so he walks over to her and says, how much is it for a h*nd job?

She says 10 dollars so he said well that's a lot of money but okay how much have you made off of h*nd jobs she said you see all those cars out there I bought all those with the money I've made from h*nd jobs. so they go out to his truck and she gives him the best h*nd job of his life.

Then he decides he wants a bl*w job and asked her how much it was and she said $25 and he said how much have you made off of bl*w jobs she said you see this bar I bought it with all of the money I've made from bl*w jobs.

So he said ok ok and she gave him the best bl*w job of his life. Then he decided to get daring and ask how much it was for p**sy and she said you see all those sky scrapers over there that's what I would own if I had a p**sy.

2007-10-27 19:38:19 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three old ladies and they all dis at the same time. They go up to the gates of heaven and the man at the gate sad that there was only one rule, dont step on any ducks. The ladies said okay and they walked into heaven.

Once they were through the gate, they saw what the guy meant, There were ducks everywhere. So after a few days, the first lady steps on a duck, the man from the gate poofs up with the ugliest, grimest, guy ever. They had to be chained together for eternity. The two poofed off.

The two ladies were really careful now. After a few months, the second lady steps on a duck. The man poofes up with an even uglier and grimier man. They poofed off, chained together for eternity.

It had been a year and the last lady hadnt stepped on a duck but the man poofed up with a gorgeous man. She was chained to him for eternity. She said to the gorgeous man, "What did I do to deseve this?"

The man said, "I dont know but, I stepped on a duck."

Funny?

2007-10-27 19:36:05 · 24 answers · asked by TinyDancer 1

star if u like them :)
_________________

Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo' mamma is so stupid she thought President Bush was a plant.

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped at the bowling alley and got strikes on all the lanes.

Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

Yo momma so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.

Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.

Yo momma so poor I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

Yo momma is so fat that she shows up on a radar!

Yo momma's so fat, if she rolled over 4 quarters she would turn them into a dollar.

Yo mama is so fat when she looks in a mirror, it said "to be continued".

Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.

2007-10-27 19:08:17 · 13 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.

He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

2007-10-27 18:25:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

so a guy goes to a bar. he arounds a beer. he looks around, and sees a HUGE pile of cash on the table, so he tries to brag some and make a run for it. the bartneder catches him and says, "the only way to win that money is to do the 3 impossible tasks." the guy says, "alright, what do i do?" the bartender says, "first, you got to drink 30 beers, without puking. second, there is a rabid dog out back with a loose tooth. pull the tooth out and bring it to me for proof. finally, there is a girl upstairs who just cant be satisfied, if ya know what i mean, and you have to satisfy her." so the guy drinks 30 beers easy. but he is so drunk. the bartender leads him outside, and you hear some ear-shattering barks and wolfs. its just painful! the guy comes in sighing deeply ready for the next task. and says:

"where's the lady with the loose tooth?"

it takes a while to get it. :-) ROFLOL LMAO

2007-10-27 18:05:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here are some revealing quotes from actual husbands....

*I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
*I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
*Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
*The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said," Dust!"
* Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
* A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,"God, I wish I had your will power."
* Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-
in-law.
*Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
*A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

2007-10-27 17:42:40 · 16 answers · asked by Hope 6

What 2 animals equal a plane

What is the funnest animal

What animal works in a speicalist shop

2007-10-27 16:17:02 · 2 answers · asked by jobees 6

gifted....

2007-10-27 15:55:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two bachelors were talking. Their conversation changed from sports, to cooking. One said, I got a cook book, but I hardly ever use it. I know what you mean replied the other. To many fancy recipes. It isn't that said the first. Each recipe starts out the same way. In a clean dish,.

2007-10-27 15:42:07 · 13 answers · asked by Kevin H 7

The funniest and most creative wins!

2007-10-27 15:07:41 · 22 answers · asked by Christina 3

A city slicker moves to the country, and decides to become a farmer. He goes to the local co-op, and orders 100 baby chickens. A week later he orders 200 more. The following week he orders another 300. The salesman said, "you must be doing very well". The man replies, "not really. I must be planting them to deep".

2007-10-27 14:57:15 · 12 answers · asked by Kevin H 7

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on His shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another
Handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'why don't
You eat the peanuts yourself?'

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth,' she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

2007-10-27 14:54:29 · 18 answers · asked by ? 4

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.


3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.


8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


*Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why aren't the letters on a keyboard in order?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


------------------
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( I have no other time to dry my hair).


On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?


On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." ( But, it's "just" a suggestion).


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well.... a bit late huh?)


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...nahhh... Really??...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to... what?)


On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

2007-10-27 14:49:41 · 20 answers · asked by eekababy 2

Uncle:I have a friend named how hi

lil girl:thats cool

uncle:here is a joke figure it out

lil girls uncle:How Hi is a chinamen?

lil girl:How Hi is on crack?

uncle:no...sometimes i think he is

uncle:actually i was asking a question.i was meant to say how tall is a china man.

lil girl: i should change my name to how hi cuz i want to get high

uncle:ur obsessed with ppl who are high

lil girl:srry im floatin



u likey a lil bit


my uncle asked me how hi is a china men but i just made up the part about the lil girl with crack

2007-10-27 14:42:53 · 3 answers · asked by may29monkey 1

I just can't seem to do it. I know that it's talking about letters and they will form a word, but I'm just not very good at stuff like this,

The first in trick, but not in prick.
The second in far, and also in jar.
The third is within you, but certainly not me.
The fourth, not found, but rather in the sound.
The final is doubled, a note repeated.

What is it?

2007-10-27 14:42:47 · 3 answers · asked by hannikins88 1

Why don't you try that new anti-aging cream for those wrinkles around your eyes?
Wife: Do you mind - those are not wrinkles - they are Laughter Lines.
Husband: Darling - Nothing is that funny

2007-10-27 14:38:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Goes to show ya, honesty does pay. lol



No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '


The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

2007-10-27 14:34:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a young boy who was eating black twizzlers walked up to me at a mcdonalds where i was eating eggrolls and he began sptiing on my food! i was quite outraged so i summoned my king cobra who in return spit on the boy and killed him. his gruesome death ruined my appetite and i was not able to finish my eggroll. i succsesfully sued mcdonalds for having a dead boy ruin my appetite. i recieved 2.5 million dollars which i put in my pocket but then i rode down a water slide and all the money got wet and was destroyed, i then sued the waterpark for 3 million dollars, but i lost the trial and am 3 million dollars in debt. i applied for a job at mcdonalds to payoff my dues but they for some odd reason would not let me work their. so to conclude my story i ask thi question; does anyone no where i can find a genie who will grant me wishes and make my life better?

2007-10-27 14:33:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

2007-10-27 14:08:07 · 8 answers · asked by ? 4

A CORNY joke!

2007-10-27 13:18:37 · 6 answers · asked by kriend 7

No BLUE BLOODS! Did I get you for the 3rd time in a row?

2007-10-27 13:17:03 · 13 answers · asked by kriend 7

Vampire Blues!

2007-10-27 13:15:09 · 6 answers · asked by kriend 7

PG-13 After reting a man went to the social security office to apply for social security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked his pockets and realized he left his wallet at home. He told to the woman that he was very sorry, but he would has to go home and come back later. The woman said "Unbottom your shirt." So he open his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." And she proceeded his social security application. When he got home, he excitedly told to his wife about his expirience at the social security office. She said "You should have dropped your pants...you would have gotten disability too."

2007-10-27 13:14:17 · 8 answers · asked by Javy 7

No blue bloods around.

2007-10-27 13:12:58 · 3 answers · asked by kriend 7

A cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture
representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to
inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in
that field right over yonder." The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the
authority of the United States Government with
me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any
agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand!" The farmer nodded politely and
went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and
saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned
prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
the Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer
immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
"Your card! Your card! Show him your
card!

2007-10-27 13:10:27 · 6 answers · asked by Guess Who? 5

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."
Happy Halloween

2007-10-27 13:01:56 · 3 answers · asked by jst4pat 6

Good Luck on figuring it out! :)

2007-10-27 12:44:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms as if grabbing a wheel.

2007-10-27 12:42:23 · 11 answers · asked by shaffy 2

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull sh!t in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

you get it?? you like it??

2007-10-27 12:35:42 · 19 answers · asked by Eduardo 2

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
>weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and
>there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe
>dressed in nothing but pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her
>neck.She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
>company. The sign
>reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second
>thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and
>puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl
>shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the
>fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb.
>as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
>program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
>most
> stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
>wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that
>reads: 'If you catch me you can have me.' Well, he's out the door after
>her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a
>while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every
>muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine
>happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only
>to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to
>go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb pound
>program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone - 'This is
our most rigorous program.'
>Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next
>day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this
>huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink
>running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:
> 'I'm Nigel . If I catch you, you're mine...'

2007-10-27 12:35:19 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous