Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this .... a black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

2007-10-01 03:55:52 · 20 answers · asked by puma 4

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

2007-10-01 03:41:03 · 21 answers · asked by puma 4

A couple was celebrating their 25th anniversary while up in their bedroom. The husband was lying in the bed waiting for his wife to walk out of the bathroom. She finally came out wearing nothing but a bath robe.

She turned to her husband and asked him, "Honey, when you first saw me naked on our honeymoon, what were you thinking?"

"Honestly?" the husband replied, "All I could think about was how I wanted to suck your t*** dry and f*** the brains out of you."

The wife then proceeds to lower her bath robe and asked, "What are you thinking now?"

The husband looked at her body up and down and said, "Looks like I did a good job."

2007-10-01 03:38:17 · 12 answers · asked by puma 4

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".
With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.
Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"
The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.
The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.
Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*@!"rds at the Post Office."

2007-10-01 03:30:00 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

Anybody know of any?

2007-10-01 03:08:45 · 5 answers · asked by Alexzandera M 1

You walk into a town in need of a haircut. You ask around where the barbershop is. The townspeople say there are two. One barber at North Street and one at South street. The barber at north street has a really nice haircut, but his shop is a mess. The barber at south street has an awful haircut, but his shop is very tidy and neat. Which barber is the better barber you should go to, the one at north or south street?

First person with right answer gets ten points!

2007-10-01 02:59:17 · 27 answers · asked by Rovert 4

2007-10-01 02:57:54 · 3 answers · asked by elaine.patton 5

2007-10-01 02:48:36 · 10 answers · asked by oregonboy 2

2007-10-01 02:34:18 · 14 answers · asked by KarlosCharlos 2

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

2007-10-01 01:22:06 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady was picking through some frozen turkeys at a branch of sainsbury's store. but she couldn;t find one big enough for her family. she asked a passing assistant, " do these turkeys get any bigger?"
the assistant replied "I'm afraid not, they're dead!!!

A policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"i've been waiting for you all day ," said the policeman
the boy racer replied "yes !! well i got here as fast as i could officer"

2007-10-01 00:47:21 · 8 answers · asked by richy 3

"I bought you a gravestone today". The husband replies "I bought yours ages ago, and it reads: Her lies Mabel Sidebottom, silent for once!". "Oh", replies the wife, "well yours reads: Here lies Albert Sidebottom, stiff at last.."

2007-10-01 00:19:34 · 12 answers · asked by ? 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road . A sign came up thaty read "low bridge ahead". before he realised it ,the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles,when finally a police car turns up. The policenan got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver
"got stuck eh!" the lorry driver said, "no, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!!"

2007-10-01 00:06:05 · 12 answers · asked by richy 3

Had this wierd Dream two nights ago.
It was rather strange, it bothered me so.
I hardly ever dream, don’t really even sleep.
So this short story, for me, goes really deep.

I would like u to read carefully and tell me what u think of it.
I have tried without any luck, so hope u can interpret.

[There's a huge storm coming and i'm standing in the middle of nowhere
I didn’t know what i was doing there, and i didn’t seem to care.
I begin to hear a voice yelling some sort of warning at me
It was a familiar voice, yet i can’t recall if it was a he or a she.
My cell phone begins to ring, and now i'm thinking
Who's this person yelling at me, and why's my phone ringing?

The rain is pouring now, and violently so
I'm thinking (what do i do, where do i go)?
I'm getting all soaked through and shivering cold
(Now all i'm needing is someone to hold)
Then, i remember that i had to answer my noisy phone
I would ask the person, "which way home" and why i was all alone?
Suddenly,the rain stops and i see my home up ahead
There's that same voice beckoning me to come home to bed
The voice was soothing and i followed the familiar sound
Soon i was in my room and in my pjs (i found).

Don’t remember what happened after that
But i woke up with a strange feeling in my heart.
I'm still lost as to what this dream was/is all about.
Would really appreciate it if u could help me out.

2007-10-01 00:03:19 · 2 answers · asked by cookie_recipe 4