Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

2007-10-03 04:00:46 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you guess and explain how you got the next number in this sequence.

-3, 9, -27, 81 .....

2007-10-03 04:00:02 · 6 answers · asked by Gator Girl 5

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

2007-10-03 03:50:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

As Valentines day was approaching, Charlie decided to buy a special gift for his new girlfriend, Ruth. The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right. Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.

Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman's opinion. they found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie's sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.

Charlie mailed his Valentine's Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:

I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don't wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely colour. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,

Charlie

2007-10-03 03:41:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde got questions, testing their reading skills. The redhead was asked "How many 'D's are there in 'Bonanza'?" She immediately replies : "None". The brunette was asked same question. After 30 seconds, the replies : "None". The blonde was asked same question. No reply. After 30 minutes, the interviewer asks again. The blonde replies "So far, 42". The interviewer queries "42! 42 'D's in 'Bonanza' ?????". The blonde replies "Yes! Listen: Dum da da dum da da dum da, dum da da dum da da dum ....".

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

2007-10-03 03:11:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-03 03:08:05 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Always Ultra

2007-10-03 02:37:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-03 01:42:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. " Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

2007-10-03 01:32:29 · 15 answers · asked by treving 42 6

in the locker room after a game of tennis. One
notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He
says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies
"Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
...........
Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?

Scared the hell out of the dog.

.........
Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.
.....

So the elephant says to the naked man . . .

"You breathe through that little thing?"
.......
What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?

"Chop chop."
...
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

2007-10-03 01:16:25 · 14 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

The teacher asks all the children what there fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out,fireman, policeman , salesman,chippy, captain of industry etc, but young Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good , he'il go out with a man ,rent a cheap hotel room and sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if this was true.
"NO" said Edward , "He plays Rugby for Ireland but i was too embarrassed to say miss"

2007-10-02 23:51:29 · 16 answers · asked by richy 3

He said: "Shall we try swapping positions tonight"?
She said: "That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

He said: " What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said:" Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"

He said:" Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said:"I would, but you're never there"!

He said:" Why don't women blink during foreplay?"
She said:"They don't have time!"

He said:" Why are married women heavier than single women?"
She said:" Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge."!!!

Star if you like please! Thank you!

2007-10-02 23:09:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I like to read these kind of jokes and I tried to figure out some of my own. Please give me a star if you think it's funny. There should be 3 lines every joke. The first line is the good, second is bad, and third is ugly.

You managed to dance
naked
in the highway.

You got a black belt in Kung Fu
but you got beaten
by your grandmother.

You got a new sister
with no ears
but talks a lot.

You got 100 vouchers from McDonald's
and 50% of them are expired
but you ate the other 50.

You got a boyfriend
who's cheating on you
with another boy.

2007-10-02 23:01:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin.
"If I hear you call Mother one more time, you will be punished", she warned him sternly.
For a while it was quiet and then she heard a small voice call from the top of the stairs,
"Mrs.
Jones?.
Can I have a drink of water?."

2007-10-02 22:50:17 · 8 answers · asked by xyz 7

The Little Boy

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A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet ," says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, " Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"

2007-10-02 22:40:05 · 3 answers · asked by shami742003 1

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

2007-10-02 22:23:23 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-10-02 22:16:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?.

So men can tell if they are coming or going.

2007-10-02 21:58:02 · 9 answers · asked by xyz 7

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...

2007-10-02 21:43:12 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church. Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?" Brigham Young: "I am." Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon
church?" Brigham Young: "I am." Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?" Brigham Young: "I am." Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?" Brigham Young: "I am." About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper. Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?" Brigham Young: "I am." Now she's really getting mad. Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?" Brigham Young: "I am." Then furiously, she says - Woman: "You ought to be hung!" Brigham Young: "I am."

2007-10-02 20:56:24 · 9 answers · asked by Viva Life 2

Why are men like bras?.

They hang around women's breasts, but when women needs support, they're never around.

2007-10-02 20:37:28 · 5 answers · asked by xyz 7

>There are 7 girls in a bus
>Each girl has got 7 bags
>Each bag has 7 big cats
>Each big cat has 7 small cats
>>Now how many nipples are in the bus?
P.S>Each cat has 7 nipples.

2007-10-02 20:01:06 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please fill in the blanks...
Answer:
One _ _ _ _ _ his _ _ _ _ _, and the other _ _ _ _ _ his _ _ _.

2007-10-02 17:14:24 · 2 answers · asked by Madonna U 1

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

2007-10-02 16:27:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The guy that was shot, was shot by one of the other three guys. All you have to do is tell me why the man was shot. You may ask me yes or no questions if you want.

2007-10-02 16:15:18 · 13 answers · asked by Jacobi103 1

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the
lady indignantly.
"In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public
places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
"Mississippi'."

2007-10-02 16:12:59 · 6 answers · asked by Hy34lif3™ 2

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches up to the counter and
says. "Hi.. I'm here to pick up my monthly check." He adds: " You know, I
just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent." We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $90,000 a year.

The guy wide-eyed, says "You're Bullsh**tting me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well.......You started it."

2007-10-02 15:59:58 · 7 answers · asked by Val 2

ate a bug umm freak??

2007-10-02 15:49:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

My gay guy friend told me this joke so I am not trying to offend anyone and have no problem with gay people. Let me know if you think its funny. "What's the number one pickup line at a gay bar?

"May I push in your stool."

2007-10-02 15:21:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

And after a couple of weeks he goes to the master at arms
and asks "What do we do for women around here?
To which he replied " There are no women around here, so some men are sent out to herd up some camels & as it goes you'r in luck cos today is the day".
With that all hell breaks loose men are running around shouting the camels are coming, the camels are coming,
I understand the camels are coming he said
But why is everybody running around?
To which the reply came " well you don't want to get an ugly one do you?

2007-10-02 15:13:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous