Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

My Life had stood -- a Loaded Gun -- by Emily Dickinson
My Life had stood -- a Loaded Gun --
In Corners -- till a Day
The Owner passed -- identified --
And carried Me away --

And now We roam in Sovereign Woods --
And now We hunt the Doe --
And every time I speak for Him --
The Mountains straight reply --

And do I smile, such cordial light
Upon the Valley glow --
It is as a Vesuvian face
Had let its pleasure through --

And when at Night -- Our good Day done --
I guard My Master's Head --
'Tis better than the Eider-Duck's
Deep Pillow -- to have shared --

To foe of His -- I'm deadly foe --
None stir the second time --
On whom I lay a Yellow Eye --
Or an emphatic Thumb --

Though I than He -- may longer live
He longer must -- than I --
For I have but the power to kill,
Without -- the power to die --

2007-10-03 10:40:49 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

1)My boyfriend left me yesterday. He left me a note saying he went to the store.
2)My boyfriend left me for the store!
3)My friend Rayna spent 3 hours on the computer, I spent 2, how much more fun did she have than I did?

2007-10-03 10:39:04 · 8 answers · asked by Lil Bee 1

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, also a blonde came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"

2007-10-03 10:37:27 · 17 answers · asked by treving 42 6

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the diffeence between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the Irish defination for each, is listed below......

GUTS:- is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being assulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning or flying somewhere?"

BALLS:- is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer; lipstick on your collar and slapping your wife on the backside and having the balls to say: "You're next!"

I hope this clears up the confusion of the subject.

2007-10-03 10:37:06 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Walking through the woods, Smila comes up to another man, hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this, he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."said Smila

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, ok, says Smila, so he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree.

With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet & car keys, then strips him naked & leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover, Jim Jnr., strolls by, sees Smila handcuffed to the tree, stark naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?

Smila tells Jim the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, Jim shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "Sweetie, this just isn't your day!"

2007-10-03 10:31:35 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two brothers, Anthony & Paul Nis, decided to open a business together and called the company Nis & Nis.

The boys had been in business for a month and hired a receptionist as part of their business.

All was going well until one day the receptionist told both brothers she was resigning from the company.

Shocked, the brothers asked, "Why?"

She told them, that it was very embarrassing answering the phone 'Nis & Nis'."

The brothers were confused, so the receptionist explained...

"A caller will telephone and ask to speak to 'Mr Nis' - I then have to ask if they want 'A.Nis or P.Nis'."

2007-10-03 10:20:38 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-03 10:07:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's for a party. "Mummy," she ask, "how old are you?
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do yo weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions & they are none of your business."
Undaunted,the little girl asks, "Why did you & daddy divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My mum won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend,"all you need to do is look at her drivers licence - it is like a report car - it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mum,"I know how old you are - you are 32!"
The mother is surprised & asks,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weight 140lbs."
The mother is surprised & shocked - "how in heaven's name did you find that out?"

2007-10-03 10:07:43 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-03 10:05:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lives in an apartment building on the very top floor and walks to and from work everyday. On sunny days he can only take the elevator in the building halfway up and he has to take the stairs the rest of the way but when it's raining he can take the elevator all the way up. Why? The elevator is completely normal, doesn't run on solar power, isn't broken or odd in any way. Can you answer it? It took me forever!

2007-10-03 09:24:31 · 6 answers · asked by oohOSU14 3

This is a riddle a friend gave me. I was told it has a simple answer. I cant figure it out.

2007-10-03 08:38:08 · 10 answers · asked by mpalmer13 1

Its worth spending the points!

2007-10-03 08:36:06 · 11 answers · asked by karen 2

2007-10-03 08:31:19 · 12 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-10-03 08:29:48 · 15 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-10-03 08:27:47 · 15 answers · asked by angel 36 6

A guy is watching a game on TV, then, his youngest son walks in and asks him: "How much does my weiner weight, daddy?"

The man answers: "I don't know and I don't care."

The boy, desperate for an answer, pulls his pants and his underwear down and shows his dad his "weiner."

The father starts laughing histerically and tells him: "That thing must weight like 10 grams, at most."

The kid replies: "Oh, and how much does yours weight, daddy?"

Then, the man's wife, who was overhearing the conversation, interrupted and said:

His weiner must weight like a ton, because, no matter how hard I try, I can't lift it with anything!

2007-10-03 08:26:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Patient:---Well at least I don't have Cancer.

2007-10-03 07:52:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anna s 1

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.
1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. - Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? - Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. - Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: - DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? - Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. - Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. - Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. - PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST - Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? - With driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. - Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. - Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. - Bring your calendar or PDA to class

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. - Individual counselors are available

2007-10-03 07:43:23 · 34 answers · asked by "!" 5

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

2007-10-03 07:41:44 · 25 answers · asked by "!" 5

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

2007-10-03 07:29:44 · 17 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

2007-10-03 05:44:40 · 9 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

1, The more there is, the less you see. what am i ?

2, It has no top or bottom but it can hold flesh, bones, and blood all at the same time. What is this object?

3, What kind of room has no windows or doors?

4, A barrel of water weighs 20 pounds. What must you add to it to make it weigh 12 pounds?

5, What can go up and come down without moving?

6, What goes up and never comes down?


no peeking at everyone elses answers!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-03 05:24:27 · 7 answers · asked by daffydd max 3

What gets longer when pulled....
Fits between your boobs......
Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when
jerked..




















































A SEAT BELT you ---------got such a clean way of thinking.

2007-10-03 05:10:02 · 17 answers · asked by "!" 5

So George Dubya Bush dies and goes to hell (of course). The devil meets him and says, ok Dub, good to see you again, now I have your soul for all time. The good news is that hell is a kindler, gentler place these days ... we let you choos your own punishment.

Behind this series of doors are a series of punishments, each a little different. Choose the one you want.

Well, GW replies, "That's mighty kind of you ole buddy ..." and proceeds to open door after door, each with a more horrible, disgusting punishment.

Finally after about 1000 doors, GW comes upon Bill Clinton, who is getting a hummer from of all people ... Marylin Monroe.

Bush says: "Well, that seems like a decent one buddy, I'll take that.

The Devil replies: "Are you sure George my friend, don't forget this will go on forever..."

Bush: "I am ready for my punishment, your holiness"

So the devil taps Marylin on the shoulder and says:" OK Marylin, you are relieved ..."

2007-10-03 04:52:26 · 7 answers · asked by really_dirty_sanchez 1

keep ur eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce 2 ur cleaning solution.

2007-10-03 04:30:02 · 7 answers · asked by suzywong 4

Some monkeys are climbing up,some down.The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but asses.
********************
A man and woman are lying in bed after a dissappointing bout of sex."You've got a very small organ",says the woman.The man replies,"Well I didn't know I'd be playing in the Albert Hall."
*******************
A man says to his wife,"You know what,2inches more and I'd be King."She replies,"Two inches less and you'd be Queen".
*******************
The 3words most hated by men during sex:"Are you done?"The 3words most hated by woman during sex,"Honey,I'm home."
********************
What did the Essex girl say when she found out she was pregant?
"I wonder if it's mine?"
********************
What did St.Patrick say to the snakes when he was driving them out of Ierlan?
"Are yis all right in the back there,lads?"

Now thats me for this evening,enjoy and star if you like it,Ta.

2007-10-03 04:20:40 · 4 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

2007-10-03 04:18:24 · 5 answers · asked by billy b 3

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past,looks up and says"hey koala what u doing"
the koala says "smoking a jint,come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and has a few joints.After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river,but the little lizard is so stoned he falls out the tree into the river. Acroc see this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side ,then asks the little lizard "what the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the croc that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala,got too stoned an fell in to the river while taking a drink.the croc decides to check this out an walks over to the tree where the koala is, he looks up and shouts "hey you"
The koala looks down at him and says


"Fuuuuu-k dude ...... how much water did you drink?"

i know its been out before but i had to go again as its feckin ace man!!!!!!!!

2007-10-03 04:18:10 · 25 answers · asked by richy 3

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *** hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face............. PRICELESS

2007-10-03 04:13:06 · 1 answers · asked by stimpy_47 1

2007-10-03 04:11:15 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5