Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Paddy.

Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and sc**w? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Paddy, so he asks Ciara's dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Ciara's father, "Ciara really likes to sc**w; she'll sc**w all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Paddy's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Ciara comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation,

2007-10-03 20:47:33 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why you should make sure you ALWAYS think before you speak.....

The priest in a small Irish Village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the c ock was missing.

He knew about the c ock fights in the village, so he decided to
question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a c ock?" All the men stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c ock?" All the women stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a c ock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up!


"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen my c ock?"


Sixteen alter boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

2007-10-03 20:19:41 · 14 answers · asked by Red5 5

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules:
• Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials

• Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we

• ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
-Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.
-Pumpkin is also a fruit.
-We have no idea what mauve is.

• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear

• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
– Sex,
– Sport, or
– Cars

• You have enough clothes

• You have too many shoes

• I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

2007-10-03 20:01:38 · 9 answers · asked by PC 7

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules:
• Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

• ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done
-Not both
-If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

2007-10-03 20:01:12 · 5 answers · asked by PC 7

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules:
• Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

• Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that

• Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

• Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be

• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

• Crying is blackmail.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
-Subtle hints do not work!
-Strong hints do not work!
-Obvious hints do not work!
-JUST SAY IT!

2007-10-03 20:00:44 · 8 answers · asked by PC 7

Santa in his sleigh, the Easter Bunny, a Leprechaun on foot, and Road Runner all come to a four way stop at the same time.

2007-10-03 19:20:50 · 4 answers · asked by lhvinny 7

A husband took his wife to the hospital to give labor to their child.

The doctor said to the husband, “We have this new machine where the father feels all the pain. One thing I don't want to do is turn it up to 100 volts…it could kill you.”

Later, the doctor said, “I’m going to have to turn it to 50; she’s in a lot of pain. It doesn't affect you, does it?”

“No, it doesn't,” the husband responded.

20 minutes later, the doctor said, “I will have to turn it to 100.”

The husband replied, “I don’t care. I have been shot, stabbed and in a war.”

“It doesn't make you feel like your going to keel over does it?” the doctor asked. “No.” 10 minutes later, the doctor announced, “It’s a boy! You are free to leave with your wife when she’s ready!”

That night, when they got home, they found the mailman dead on the front walk!!!
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Got this off a local radio station joke of the day in case anyone else has heard it. If you like star.

2007-10-03 18:47:47 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No sh*it?"

2007-10-03 18:03:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12 year old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the Bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10 Year Old scotch.

Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch.

The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!"

The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: "It ish. How old am I?"

2007-10-03 17:57:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1. You have to be single, and
2. You must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"
My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"
Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

2007-10-03 17:53:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, 'I ain't never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'

2007-10-03 17:45:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Doctor, doctor, how is that kid who swallowed a dime?"
"Well, no change yet."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dog."
"How long has this been going on?"
"Ever since I was a puppy."

"Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"I'm afraid her mind is gone."
"Well, I'm not surprised. She has given me a piece of it every day for 20 years."

"Doctor, doctor, when I drink coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye."
"Well, take the spoon out of the cup."

2007-10-03 16:34:25 · 10 answers · asked by Howard H 7

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

2007-10-03 16:27:30 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . ."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".

At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story.

2007-10-03 15:36:44 · 16 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

How does this happen??

2007-10-03 14:40:34 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-03 14:20:13 · 5 answers · asked by Big G 1

This is for my brother's homework...his teacher gives out the randomest riddles, help would be greatly appreciated!

2007-10-03 13:27:22 · 11 answers · asked by jlojustintime 2

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says to the two men, "but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." She strips naked and rolls the dice.

As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, "I WON I WON!!"

She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

2007-10-03 13:21:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much,” the passenger says.

“It’s not your fault,” replies the cabbie. “Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse.”

2007-10-03 13:18:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I thinking of a random country. Try to guess it!!

2007-10-03 12:12:24 · 33 answers · asked by Rainey 2

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

2007-10-03 12:09:29 · 5 answers · asked by treving 42 6

In the following puzzle, each letter represents a different digit. Use the clues given to determine the digits, and then arrange the letters in numerical order to solve the puzzle.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v230/DontEatPoison23/logicpuzzle.jpg

2007-10-03 11:56:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are locked in a car. There is a baseball bat behind you.
How do you get out?

The one who gets it first or has the most interesting answer gets Best Answer.

Have fun! Star if you like. Can't wait to hear the answers.

2007-10-03 11:48:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've got a record player that works great but I live in a house with wooden floors and everytime I walk by the record player as it's playing a track it will skip.. It is not directly on the ground, but on a short table. Any suggestions?

2007-10-03 11:44:42 · 2 answers · asked by brokemypace 1

2007-10-03 11:35:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-03 11:29:45 · 1 answers · asked by lucario 1

whats the first thing that comes to mind?

2007-10-03 11:09:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ernie, a man in his 80's struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "where do you think you're going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the Doctor."
"Why, are you sick?"
"Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts to get out of her rocking chair and begins to put on her coat.

Ernie says, "Where the hell are you going?"
"I'm going to the Doctor, too."
"Why, what do you need?" Ernie asks.

"Well, if you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot." said the wife.

2007-10-03 11:08:40 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with

his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her

son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell

off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who

are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause

we're going down the tracks!"



The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use

that kind of language in this house. Now go to you room and stay there

for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train,

but only if you use nice language."



Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing

with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all

of you belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and

hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."



She hears the little boy continue. "For those of you just boarding, we

ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under you seat. Remember,

there is

no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing

journey with us today." Then, the child added, "And for those of you

who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, see the biatch in the kitchen."

2007-10-03 11:01:57 · 16 answers · asked by treving 42 6

ok, this is a diffrent blonde one you have probably never heard of.
There was a blonde and a lawyer ona plane, the lawyer asks the blonde, "do you want to play a game" and the blonde says "no" and goes to sleep, later the lawyer asks the blonde again if she wants to play a game, though this time he adds, " I'll ask a question, if you don't know, you give me 5$, then you ask me a question, if I get it wrong, I will give you 500$" so the blonde plays the game. The lawyer then asks, how many miles from the sun till the Earth, the blonde doesn't know, so she reachess into her purse and pulses out a 5$ bill and hands it to him, then the blonde asks, what goes up a hill, with 3 legs and down with 2. The lawyer looks it up on his laptop, calls his buddy and his work. Finally he gives her 500$. When they are getting off the plane, the lawyer asks, so what does go up a hill and down with 3 and down with 2. The reaches into her purse and pulls out a 5$ bill and hands it to the lawyer

2007-10-03 10:44:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous