Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

and theres a new machine there, i only used it for an hour as i started to feel sick! But its great, its got kit kats, mars bars, crisps and everything in it!

2007-10-04 09:45:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Damn, it's good to be a man...





1. Your last name stays put.


2. The garage is all yours.


3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.


4. Chocolate is just another snack.


5. You can be president.


6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.


7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.


8. The world is your urinal.


9. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.


10. Same work, more pay.




11. Wrinkles add character.


12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.


13. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.


14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.


15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.


16. One mood, ALL the damn time.


17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.


18. You know stuff about tanks.


19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.


20. You can open all your own jars.


21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


22. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.


23. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.


24. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.


25. Everything on your face stays its original color.


26. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.


27. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


28. You almost never have strap problems in public.


29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.


30. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.



The list continues below






31. You don't have to shave below your neck.


32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.


33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color all seasons.


34. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.


35. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


36. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

2007-10-04 09:30:21 · 31 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventualy his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnny. "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then daddy hd a heart attack, mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself!"

2007-10-04 09:27:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her, "How many peaches were in the can".
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

2007-10-04 09:15:21 · 15 answers · asked by Vangorn2000 6

Stupid Questions





1. Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?


2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


4. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


5. Why is a boxing ring square?


6. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?


7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?


8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?


10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?




11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the
volume on the radio?


12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real
lemons?


13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?


15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


16. Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?


17. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?


18. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't
they make the whole plane out of the same substance?


20. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?


21. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

2007-10-04 09:07:37 · 25 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

Things You Learn From Video Games





1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.


2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.


3. If it moves, KILL IT!


4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.


5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys."
A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit.
C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then
against a "boss" in one on one combat.


6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'.


7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.


8. You can smash things and get away with it.
A. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.


9. Cybernetics are our friends.


10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.




11. If someone dies, they disappear.


12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.


13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.


14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.


15. If it's on the ground, you should get it.


16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much
right to be loved as heroic fighters.


17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.


18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.


19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.


20. Death is reversible (but only for you!)


21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.


22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing
red or yellow.


23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are
completely invincible for a short time.


24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in
elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.


25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have
great bodies.


26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.


27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no
reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and
defeat them with it.


28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it
doesn't, try and pick it up--- it was probably a powerup or bonus.


29. Carpe diem! You only live three times!


30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a
near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain
number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat
the crap out of you.


31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.


32. A hundred-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.


33. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.


34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and
explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.

2007-10-04 09:05:18 · 12 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

Deedee answers the door to a market reseacher. "Good morning, madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time," said Deedee. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?" said the researcher.

"Like what?"

"Ahem...err...well...during...ahem - s*x."

"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"

2007-10-04 09:02:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

RED PAINT!

2007-10-04 08:59:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stupid Questions II





1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?


2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the
center of the earth?


3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?


4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?


5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?


6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?


7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?


8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?


9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?


10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say
"I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?




11. What do people in China call their good plates?


12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.


14. What do you call male ballerinas?


15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?


16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't
he buy his dinner?


17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?


18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables.
What is baby oil made from?


20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?


21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?


22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere,
yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ***?


23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad,
yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

2007-10-04 08:57:31 · 18 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

Pregnancy Questions -- Ask the Guru





1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


2. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


3. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.


4. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


5. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


6. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter than they are.


7. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational
A: So what’s your question?


8. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).


9. Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.


10. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure.
Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.




11. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


12. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


13. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy


14. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.


15. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


16. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

2007-10-04 08:55:24 · 11 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

Wise thoughts on everything





1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


2. Life is sexually transmitted.


3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.


5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.


6. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...


7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...


8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?




11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.


12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that
it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


13. You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung
around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I
think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.

2007-10-04 08:51:26 · 11 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

She is dragging two scruffy, arguing brats with her.
The greeter says 'Good morning madam, what beautiful, well behaved children you have, are they twins?'
She says 'Stupid b***** d,she's 7, and he's only f*****g 3,why would think they are f*****g twins,d******d.'
The greeter says 'Because I cannot imagine anyone sleeping with you more than once!!'

2007-10-04 08:50:53 · 14 answers · asked by george d 6

Answer---- "STOP"

2007-10-04 08:44:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anna s 1

Billy was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything - and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend Jim Jnr., said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great s*x, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

Billy decided to take Jim's advice.

The next day at the bar, Jim said: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Billy replied.

"Did she like it?" said Jim.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: I'll be back in an hour!!"

2007-10-04 08:35:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Wang Chow called into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that."


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon. By the way, you got nice wife & house."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BAD SUNBURN

I was just wondering if you nurses had heard of this treatment?

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn.

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

2007-10-04 08:32:09 · 4 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

Marge was in bed with her lover Trev. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

"Oh my God, your husband is home!" Trev said. "What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he isn't going to notice you here with me."

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.

Sure enough, Marge's husband, Paddy, came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Paddy dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four.....By God, you're right dear," said Paddy,

2007-10-04 08:23:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes







HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

2007-10-04 08:13:39 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

2007-10-04 08:13:09 · 15 answers · asked by ? 1

Answer: Jaws 2, Grace and Favour, George W. Bush

Can you add to the list?

2007-10-04 08:04:11 · 9 answers · asked by Helen B 5

k so if people from utah are called utons, what are people from tampa called?

2007-10-04 07:50:04 · 13 answers · asked by Jaden B 3

2007-10-04 07:48:20 · 7 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they
concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft
was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do they're own study.

After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer,
they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and
hitting himself in the forehead.

2007-10-04 07:33:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a few drinks the barman goes over and comments that they sell a Whisky named after him. To which the stallion replies - 'I've never heard of a Whisky called Eric !!

2007-10-04 07:32:43 · 21 answers · asked by george d 6

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When All eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.
I'm a gynecologist."


The proctologist fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-04 07:24:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-04 07:16:40 · 20 answers · asked by angel 36 6

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

The man arched an eyebrow, "Anything?"

"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.

With that the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did.

He then said, "Get on your knees." She did.

Then he said,"Take down my zipper." She did.

He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered,"Well...go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO.....MOM????"

2007-10-04 07:16:18 · 7 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, hire a



Double-Decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team

Rode on the top level The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

Having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything

From the Blondes upstairs She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear

Staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them

With white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a

Great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

2007-10-04 07:12:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the dole
office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I
sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 Euro a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel
fitter."Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 Euro
a week.When Paddy found out he was furious.
He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and
co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
fitters are skilled labour."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy.
"I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs, and then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
"Yep, diesel fitter."
Do I get a star for this??? :-)

2007-10-04 07:11:01 · 18 answers · asked by DJJD 6

One day a blonde and a brunette were walking down to the grocery store when the brunette pointed out to the blonde "oh, hey look at that dead bird.."

The blonde looks around around up in the sky for a few minutes and says "hmm, I don't see any dead ones."

2007-10-04 06:37:05 · 9 answers · asked by Karatekid 2

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My Blonde co-worker asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY"
and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked
"What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home
and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my blonde co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And, where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."

2007-10-04 06:22:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous