Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A ninety-year-old man living in a rest home was granted a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady, and they went to her apartment, where they got stinky and wrinkly.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he had developed a drip, and headed to the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, “Sure!”

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

“Sure, why?” asked the old man.

“Well you’d better get over there,” replied the doctor, “You’re about to come!”

2007-10-05 13:54:10 · 15 answers · asked by treving 42 6

Medical Advancement
A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

2007-10-05 13:26:13 · 14 answers · asked by ǝuoʎʞɔɐʍ 7

There isn't a lot but lets see what you people got!

2007-10-05 13:12:09 · 43 answers · asked by ♥LuV sKuLL♥ 5

Little Johnny kept wetting his pants.His father shows him by steps.1. zip down2. take it out 3.pull foeskin back.4.pee 5.pull foreskin front.6.put it back in.7.zip up.Next day dad passes by restroom and hears Johnny doing the steps.Then he hears Johnny saying 3-5,3-5,3-5,3-5

2007-10-05 12:57:04 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Patient. Sure, now I see the spots a lot clearer..

2007-10-05 12:43:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

2007-10-05 12:43:25 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just wanted to see if this is a funny joke?

There is a blonde a brunette and a red head and there all best friends.
The red head has a boyfriend and she thinks hes cheating on her so she makes a plan with her friends to hide in his backyard and see if he has a girl with him at his house.

When they got there they heard him coming home so the red Head hides up a tree the brunette hides in a dog house and the blonde hides in a potato sack. The red head makes a chirping sound to think that shes a bird and the brunette barks and the blonde goes
"Poe-ta-toe"


Im sorry if its not funny its sorta a you-had-to-be-there-kind-of-thing!

2007-10-05 12:43:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A schoolteacher is asking her class of 7 year olds to give her a sentence using the word "Contagious". Lttle Jimmy puts his hand up and says, "I was off school last month because I had measles, which is contagious". "Very good", says teacher, "Anyone else?". Little katie puts her hand up and says, "There's been an outbreak of Foot and Mouth disease on a farm near us, which is contagious". "Very good" said teacher, "Just one more?". Little Sean (whose family's just moved over from Ireland) says, "Yes miss, the fella next door to us is painting the front of his house, but he's only using a 2 inch paintbrush, and me father said, "Jaysus Christ, it's gonna take the contagious".

2007-10-05 12:30:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

would you still consider yourself single?

2007-10-05 12:27:20 · 10 answers · asked by mahoganychik@yahoo.com 6

A man comes home & finds his wife in bed with his mate, so he loses it & stabs him to death.
His wife says
" You keep on like that & you'll have no friends left!"


Made me laugh, anyway! :)

2007-10-05 12:18:12 · 12 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

one of them, how many will be left??
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ?None, they all fly away with the first gun shot?

The teacher replies ?The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.?

Then Little Johnny says ?I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married??
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ?Well I suppose the one that?s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone?

To which Little Johnny replied, ?The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.?

2007-10-05 12:14:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sheep

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The Man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day having sex with the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the lorry and one of them is beeping the horn."

---------------------

2007-10-05 11:34:15 · 18 answers · asked by daffydd max 3

A cowboy rides to this place on MONDAY. He stays one night, and comes back on FRIDAY. How is this possible?

2007-10-05 11:33:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was pulled over for speeding. The officer asked to see her lisence. "I wish you officers would get this straight!" Says the blonde. "Just the other day you TOOK AWAY my lisence, and here you are expecting me to give it to you!"





A blonde was putting together a puzzle and having some trouble. She calls her boyfriend and asks is if he can help her. He tells her to try some more and if she is still having trouble tomorrow, he will come help.
Sure enough, tomorrow come and she still can't get it right. So he comes over. He takes one look at her and says,"Put your frosted flakes away, moron!"

2007-10-05 11:30:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points for the 1st correct answer.


Simple Problem?

Try to solve this problem.......

Don't give it up so easily.

Best of Luck ..............

IF
1 = 5
2 = 25
3 = 125
4 = 625
5 = ?

2007-10-05 11:17:17 · 46 answers · asked by cadenza 3

There's a sausage and an egg in a frying pan and the egg says to the sausage 'It's hot in here isn't it?!' and the sausage says '**** me - a talking egg!'

2007-10-05 11:17:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

first thing that pop out of mine is "huh what a stupid question i'm making ha ha ha" :D

2007-10-05 11:08:10 · 12 answers · asked by loving 3

2007-10-05 10:58:13 · 24 answers · asked by gismoII 7

2007-10-05 10:57:59 · 9 answers · asked by Striker 5

2007-10-05 10:52:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-05 10:52:23 · 37 answers · asked by Bubber B 1

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth'
he
Says to the owner of the farm.
'What sort of horse?' said the owner.
'A female horth' the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?'
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
'Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him
the
horses ears.
'Nithe eerth.' He says,
'Now...can I see her twot?'
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
shoves his head deep inside the horses v*gina. He holds him there for
a
couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'

Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:2

2007-10-05 10:50:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is in bed with his wife when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It's half past three in
the morning.

"**** that for a game of soldiers," he thinks, and goes back to sleep.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and
this bloke is stood outside.

"Hey, mate," says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"

"No, bugger off, it's half three. I was in bed," says the man and
shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

"Dave, you're an arsehole. Remember that night we broke down in the
pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and
you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to **** off?"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere
shouts, "Hey mate, do you still want a push?"

In the distance a voice cries out, "Yes please, mate."

Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

"Over here, on the swings."

2007-10-05 10:24:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oops!

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful.

I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Peace.

2007-10-05 10:21:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is stopped by the police for driving a van full of penguins.
Although the man argues that the penguins are all his friends, the
policeman orders him to take the penguins to the zoo.

The very next day, the same man, the same van, and the same penguins
are stopped by the same policeman, except this day all of the penguins
are wearing shades.

"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo," said the
policeman.

"I did," answered the man, "and today we're going to the beach."

2007-10-05 10:16:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

No? I don't blame you. Still, someone gets a best answer!!!

2007-10-05 10:12:43 · 10 answers · asked by ? 1

YOU ARE ALLOWED ONLY TWO GUESSES.

I'll give you three hints, to be helpful and accomodate your weak clairvoyant minds (jk):
1. My birthday is between October 4th and December 4th.
2. The digit(s) in my birthday is (are) even. (aka: I was born on an even day.)
3. And in case you want to find an old calendar (which I doubt), I was born on a Wednesday in 1993.

2007-10-05 10:05:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A scouser is sat in a bar having a few drinks. In walks a gay guy who eyes him up. After a few beers the gay guy finally plucks up the courage and speaks to the scouser. "Do you fancy a blow--job?" he whispers. The scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the the guy to a pulp, kicking him out the door. Barman comes over and says " Christ! That was a bit brutal - what did he say to you?" "Dunno" replies the scouser, "something about a job".

2007-10-05 09:26:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

wut is red green and orange and has 6 legs and likes pizza?


even if you don't have a clue just give an answer

2007-10-05 09:24:27 · 10 answers · asked by TNT 2

They're recalling all models of this playground slide, since some children have been hurt while sliding down it:
http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x40/Mike_F_620/ChineseRecall.jpg?t=1191615199

2007-10-05 09:17:06 · 3 answers · asked by Michael F 3