Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Answer: Yao Ming got recalled!!!!

2007-10-06 11:43:44 · 3 answers · asked by ziggy_brat 6

idk why im here posting this and why im typing and why im thinking of my love and idk why i miss him

well i do cuz i love him
hehehehe
and idk what to do
since im bored again

and want some chocolate

2007-10-06 11:30:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every Sunday, Father Feck rode his bike to church. This particular day, a member of the church noticed that the preacher was walking.
He asked, "Where's your bike Father?"
The preacher said, "Someone stole it. It may have been one of the members.
"Well," the member proceeded to tell him, "for next Sunday's sermon, preach on the Ten Commandments. When you get to Thous Shalt No Steal, really stress it and you'll get your bike back."

The next week the same member of the church had seen the preacher riding his bike.
"Ah I see you have your bike back? Did you do what I told you about preaching about the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes," replied Father Feck.
"Did you stress Thou Shalt Not Steal?" he asked.
"No," the preacher answered.
"What happened? asked the member.

"Well," said Father Feck, "when I got to Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."

2007-10-06 11:22:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.

May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child., "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

2007-10-06 11:21:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I95. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes. "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?" "Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!" "Almost every night?" "Yup! Almost Monday, Almost Tuesday, Almost Wednesday..."
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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

2007-10-06 11:03:07 · 5 answers · asked by Honey 2

pick....pickle peppers...do you know the number

2007-10-06 10:48:36 · 3 answers · asked by ღOMGღ 7

But then men always c*m first don't they!

2007-10-06 10:27:24 · 19 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

after their holidays are over,"I feel it's only fair to warn you,"the man tells her,"I'm a complete golf nut.I live,eat,sleep and breathe golf."
"Well,since you're being so honest,I will be as well,"she replies,"I'm a hooker."
"Oh,right,"the man replies thoughtfully."That's probaly cause you're not keepng your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
**********
A dinner speaker is in a hurry when he arrives and sits at the head table,he realises he's forgotten his false teeth.The man sitting next to him reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair."Try these,"he says."Too loose,"says the speaker."I have another pair,try these."
"Perfect!"says the speaker.He eats,then gives his speech.Afterwards,he turns to the man who helped him."Thanks so much!Actually,I've been looking for a new dentist recently."
"I'm not a dentist,"replies the man."I'm an undertaker."
****
Who invented the phrase"suffering from premature ejaculation?
It must have been a woman,No man would call it suffering!!!
Star p

2007-10-06 10:19:26 · 12 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

Motorway goes into a pub.

Motorway: "Give me a pint!"

Barman: "There you go. That'll be £2.20."

Motorway: "I'm not paying for this. I'm mad I am, MAD."

Barman: "Alright, alright keep your money."

Motorway sits in the corner of the pub, drinking its pint.

Dual carriageway goes into the pub.

Dual carriageway: "Give me a pint!"

Barman: "There you go. That'll be £2.20."

Dual carriageway: "I'm not paying for this. I'm mad I am, MAD."

Barman: "Not another nutter."

Dual carriageway: "I'm bloody mad, I am."

Barman: "Alright, alright keep it."

Dual carriageway and Motorway sit in the corner of the pub drinking
their pints.

Tarmac walks into the pub.

Tarmac: "Give me a pint."

Barman: "There you go. That'll be £2.20."

Tarmac: "I'm not paying for this. I'm mad I am, MAD."

Barman: "Look I'm not having this. No more free pints!"

Dual carriageway and Motorway (shaking their heads): "You'd better let
him have it, he's a cycle path."

2007-10-06 10:18:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-06 09:54:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

2007-10-06 09:43:38 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-06 09:36:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."

2007-10-06 09:09:28 · 19 answers · asked by Cp 5

I know it's easy but I have nothing else to do so here it goes:

Some months have 30 days, some have 31, but how many months have 28????

2007-10-06 08:57:36 · 15 answers · asked by ♥ღαsнℓэч vαиэssαღ♥™ 4

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British p

2007-10-06 08:26:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

was watching a show where a preacher was
talking about the healing powers of God.

"To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen & I will heal you!" the preacher exclaimed.

The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V.

The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants.

His wife looks over at him and says, "Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"

2007-10-06 08:16:14 · 8 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

can you see 4 mums and a scouse football fan dancing round to wannabe, will posh look worse then rest

2007-10-06 08:15:34 · 19 answers · asked by DOLBS 2

2007-10-06 08:05:53 · 6 answers · asked by sleepy35758 3

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?
A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

2007-10-06 07:50:46 · 15 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

Two blondes are looking at each other across a lake. The one calls to the other, "How do I get to the other side?" The other answers, "You're ON the other side!"

2007-10-06 06:52:21 · 8 answers · asked by shermynewstart 7

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders some food and ate his lunch. After he ate his lunch, he gets a gun out and shoots everyone apart from a waitress. The waitress says:"Why did you do that for?" The panda says:"Try looking it up on the encyclopedia." and he left the cafe. The waitress goes to the library and gets the encyclopedia out and finds the page where she read:

Pandas: Eats shoots and leaves.

2007-10-06 06:51:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that
I had been, rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have anytime to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making
such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink,
and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least
presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned
some clothes,hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

2007-10-06 06:39:07 · 25 answers · asked by Cat burgler 5

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Blonde Inventions:
1.Tricycle kickstand
2.Solar flashlight
3.Fire proof matches
4.Inflatable dartboard
5.Glass hammer
6.Black light bulb
7.Boomerang grenade

Q: Why was the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She was throwing all the W's away.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

2007-10-06 06:26:40 · 16 answers · asked by Karatekid 2

Mike has the power, Alyssa has the power, Ryan has the power, etc etc etc, who has the power?

2007-10-06 06:11:09 · 4 answers · asked by Jeremy D 2

Humour me

2007-10-06 06:09:03 · 9 answers · asked by Pebbles 5

2007-10-06 06:04:26 · 7 answers · asked by ♫ Bubastes, Cat Goddess♥ 7

Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?

2007-10-06 05:30:47 · 25 answers · asked by "!" 5

MY LIVING WILL
Last night, Alice and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to Alice, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

She's such a b*tch!





Peace.

2007-10-06 05:20:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-06 05:12:53 · 3 answers · asked by Goychie 5

To make it stand, you wet it !

To make it wet, you suck it !

To make it stiff, you lick it ! To get it in, you push !

Damn!!!

Missed again.....















































Threading a needle when you're older is NO JOKE !

2007-10-06 04:57:54 · 28 answers · asked by "!" 5