Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b*tch.....

2007-10-07 17:07:36 · 7 answers · asked by Kim 5

one day before the wedding the guy went to his fiancee's house, there he encountered his fiancee's hot sister and told him "if you want to have s*x with me then go upstairs..
the guy was so shocked and confused then made up his mind. He turned his back then went to his car parked outside and to his surprise his fiancee was there in tears(of joy) and said.. "You just passed the test im ready to marry you tomorrow..."

the moral of the story..

"always put your condoms in your car"

corny isnt it?

2007-10-07 17:03:55 · 14 answers · asked by champs 3

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

***********************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

***********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed
him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read
this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know
the guy."

2007-10-07 17:01:24 · 18 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."
............
Did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sone Hose A and Hose B?

poem
One day, long, long ago, there was my wife who surprisingly,
Did not whine, nag or Bltch........
But this was a long time ago.....

And it was just ONE day.

The End

2007-10-07 16:45:12 · 9 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...

"It's not talcum powder......

It's 'Miracle Grow'."

2007-10-07 16:41:42 · 16 answers · asked by Kim 5

2007-10-07 16:12:41 · 10 answers · asked by raj9_2000@yahoo.com 2

1. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

2. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

3. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

4. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

5. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

6. Say thing like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

7. Two words: Marco Polo.

8. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

9. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

10. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

11. Grab a box of condoms and ask randon couples "Do these work for you?"

12. Find a chocolate bar and skip while singing "I've got a golden ticket..."

2007-10-07 15:30:51 · 8 answers · asked by Megan 3

Smila was in trouble. He forgot his 25th anniversary. His partner,Babyblue was
really pissed.

Babyblue told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his partner woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, Babyblue put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Smila has been missing since Friday.

2007-10-07 14:48:36 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The copper said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"


On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

2007-10-07 14:15:13 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A older couple are starting to lose their memory and beginning to forget everyday things. So their doctor suggests that they write down everything they are doing or about to do so they dont forget.

So the couple is sitting at home and the husband says to his wife "Hey honey, I am going to grab something to eat...you want anything?"
And she says "Yeah, can you bring me a sandwhich?"
He says sure.
She says "Wait, you should write it down so you dont forget!"
He assures her he will not forget. She tells him again to write it down. And again he tells her he will not forget.

So he goes into the kitchen and 30 minutes later, he is back.

He walks up to his wife and hands her a plate of sausage and waffles...

The wife looks up at her husband, like he is the craziest man alive and says...

"You forgot my eggs..."

2007-10-07 14:12:24 · 11 answers · asked by Megan 3

The scene: A Marine Basic Training Camp. One morning the Captain calls Sargent Black into his office and tells him "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died." "Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning a s the men were lined up Black bellows out "Hup hey ho ho Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack. A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black you need to tell Private Smith his mother died--but this time us e some tact--I don't want to loose another good recruit. "Yes Sir!" Black answers. This time when the men are lined up Black yells out " OK--all you men with living mothers take one step forward----NOT SO FAST SMITH!"

2007-10-07 13:41:14 · 5 answers · asked by Jared 4

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

2007-10-07 13:25:07 · 2 answers · asked by Jared 4

The Pope flew into an airport for a meeting within a few minutes. His limo driver takes off and the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting. The Pope asks the driver to switch places and the Pope will drive. They take off again and the limo is stopped by a cop. The cop takes one look at the situation and radios to headquarters. He tells the chief he's got a pretty important person on his hands. The chief asks "Is he more important than the mayor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks " Is he more important than the governor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "Is he more important than the President?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "How important can he be" Cop says "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver.

2007-10-07 13:15:47 · 8 answers · asked by Jared 4

A guy goes to the supermarket and notice an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He´s rather taken a back because he can´t place where he knows her from. So he says, " Do you know me?"
To wich she replies," I think you´re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, " My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, " No, I´m your son´s teacher."

2007-10-07 13:12:43 · 15 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

A woman is in bed with her lover CrackerJack, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They have s*x for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only learning her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hands up the telephone and her lover Jack, asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

2007-10-07 13:01:21 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.free drinks
2.free dinners
3.you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
4.you know the truth about weither size matters
5.speeding ticket? why officer, what's that?
6.you've never experianced walking around school with a sweater/sweatshirt stragtegically placed in front of your crotch.
7.condoms do not affect your enjoyment of sex
8.you can sleep your way to the top
9.nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep
10.it's possible to live your whole life without taking a group shower
11.if you cheat on your bf people assume it's because you've been emotionally neglected
12.you'll never have to punch a hole though anything with your fist
13.you're allowed to be afraid of spiders and other creepy crawlies
14.you can quickly end any fight by crying
15.you can talk to people of the opposite sex without picturing them naked

star if you like. :D

2007-10-07 13:01:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

On holiday in Africa, a chap stepped on a land mine which promptly removed his genitals. For the purposes of this joke, the local doctor sewed on the trunk of an elephant. Home in the UK and at the tea table, his wife said "Let's hane a look at what's tucked down there' The chap duly dragged out the trunk which grabbed a bun and went back down into his trousers. "That was too quick" said the wife, "Let me have another look" Out came Jumbo's trunk, another bun and it was back in his trousers. "Don't ask me again, Doris2 protested the chap "Why not?" "You don't know what he's doing with those buns."

2007-10-07 12:56:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

two blondes are standing at eacj side of a lake. one blonde yells to the other "how do you get to the other side?!"
the other blonde yells back "you ARE on the other side!"

2007-10-07 12:53:47 · 10 answers · asked by ~"*Make Me A Mammy*"~ 3

Two guys - Crackerjack and Smila, go on a 2-week fishing trip and are out fishing in a boat having great luck. In fact, they catch so many Mackerel and an Bass, that they have to go back early.

"This is great" said Smila...."we should mark the spot so that we can come back here again."

"You're right", says Crackerjack and promptly dives over the side and paints an 'X' on the bottom of the boat. They head for land, but just as they're about to dock, Crackerjack looks at Smila and says, "I just thought of something. What if we don't get the same boat tomorrow?"

2007-10-07 12:43:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Says to the barmaid,"Can I smell your fanny"?
The barmaid,very upset by this comment turns and shouts at the man,"No you cannot,you disgusting swine".
The man then says,"Oh,it must be your feet then."

2007-10-07 12:13:54 · 8 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"

2007-10-07 12:07:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

2007-10-07 11:24:45 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager.
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs
to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title
and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000
loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the
blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to
£15.41. The Manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction >has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
£5,000?' The blonde replies..... 'Where else in London can I park my
car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?'

2007-10-07 11:14:30 · 13 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Old granny was walking home after dark and a thug stoppsd her and asked for her money. She said she didn't have any. The thug said he didn't believe her and started searching her. He went up her dress, down in her blouse and looked in her shoes. Didn't find anything. He says "Ok, Granny. I guess you were telling the truth. I'll let you go". Granny grinned and says "If you will keep searching, I will wright you a check"!!
I know it's old, but maybe some of you hadn't heard it.

2007-10-07 11:11:42 · 1 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

2007-10-07 10:43:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-07 10:30:58 · 12 answers · asked by spick&span 4

Helicopter Flight School Judi, a natural blonde, went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

2007-10-07 10:18:49 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3

Bert & Mabel in nursing home. Bert says 'I'm leaving you 4 Ivy cos she holds my will all night ' Mabel says 'But so do I' Bert says 'Yes but shes got Parkinsons'.

and

It was the happiest day of my life.
Arrived at the church.
Wife waiting ar altar.
Walked up the aisle.
Kissed her on the cheek.
Smiled...
& closed the lid.

2007-10-07 09:25:04 · 19 answers · asked by stardu5t7 3

Doctors:

The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000

Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000

Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.


Guns:

The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000

The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500

The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of F.B.I.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediatly. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

2007-10-07 09:18:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-07 09:16:54 · 7 answers · asked by anonymous 2