Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Would you laugh if I stuck a kid in a kitten suit in a tree in your lawn?

2007-10-08 09:08:31 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-08 08:50:56 · 47 answers · asked by Moonbeam 2

two people were hiking in the hills of kentucky usa,while going through some dense brush they stumbled upon a skeleton and wedged under the skeletons arm was a trophy that read "1948 hide-n-go-seek champ"

2007-10-08 08:26:30 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

on a leash. The barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”

£50 is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is £100

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

2007-10-08 08:16:04 · 10 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

Where is the switch??? How do I find it??

Please help, it's driving me nuts...

2007-10-08 07:59:41 · 6 answers · asked by RM 6

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters ‘u-n-t?’”

Only one word leapt to mind…

“My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”

2007-10-08 07:56:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely Knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.

"Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.

2007-10-08 07:23:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you say you are going to take but always leave behind?

2007-10-08 07:18:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know the answer, but ----------

does anyone know: What are you called if you are from Massachusetts?

Like if youre from New York, you are a New Yorker.

2007-10-08 05:48:44 · 11 answers · asked by THAT is the question 2

i was changing in the girls lockerroom and the teacher wasn't there so my friends thought it would be funny to put me out side the lockerroom naked and i hap to hide where the construction site was lucky me there was no construction that day

2007-10-08 05:13:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

O T T F F S

What letter comes next in this sequence?

What does the sequence represent?

2007-10-08 04:27:03 · 13 answers · asked by kel 2

I was expecting an important telephone call the other night, so I slept with my cellphone under my pillow. When I woke up it was gone and all there was in its place was a shiny new fifty pence piece. Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy.

2007-10-08 04:04:37 · 27 answers · asked by lucysmum1978 1

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

2007-10-08 04:04:02 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Ugly People

Once there was a bus of 100 ugly people. The bus swerved off the road and they all died. When they went to Heaven God felt bad for them and gave them each one wish. The first guy came up and said... "I wish I was handsome." So God made him handsome. So next a woman came up and said... "I wish I was beautiful." So God made her beautiful. They came up one by one wishing to be beautiful and handsome. Meanwhile, the guy in the back is laughing hysterically. God asks him what is so funny. "Oh nothing" he says. When his turn arises God says, "Okay whats your wish?" He replies, "pfft, make em all ugly again."

2007-10-08 03:54:24 · 17 answers · asked by lucysmum1978 1

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They
were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid
bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they
belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new
Department especially for them. The university agreed, and
set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own
where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they
really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't just
stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department
at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the
Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I
Belong in B.E.D."

2007-10-08 03:28:22 · 26 answers · asked by tastybits 7

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8. There go the lights again?

9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.

12. What's this doing here?

13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"

22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

2007-10-08 03:15:52 · 26 answers · asked by tastybits 7

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.

P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.

2007-10-08 03:12:23 · 34 answers · asked by tastybits 7

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,

that it indeed says........ .. "HEBREWS"

2007-10-08 02:38:48 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out ... "

8.. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all ...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"

2007-10-08 02:20:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?



















That's easy ... Seven-Up!

2007-10-08 02:10:22 · 18 answers · asked by tastybits 7

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.





The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.





The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.





The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."





The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)





The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.





And last, but not least,



The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on

2007-10-08 02:08:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was driving down a road on easter eve. He saw a big hare in the distance and slammed on his brakes. He couldn't stop in time and hit it. He got out and cried because he killed the easter bunny. He sat there for a few minutes until a lady drove by and stopped. She asked him "whats wrong". He said "I've killed the easter bunny". She said "Hang on a second i'll be right back". The lady walked back into her car and got out a spray can. She sprayed the hare with it. The hare got up and hopped off, waving every 10 meters. The man was amazed. he asked what it was. She said " hair spray, Brings dead hair back to life and adds extra wave".......

2007-10-08 01:55:25 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was travelling to cape town in economy class in a plane. A few hours in the flight she got up and sneaked upto first class.
A flight attendant saw her and followed her up, she went upto the blonde and said, 'please can you go back down to economy class?'.
The blonde looked at her innocently and said, 'i am a blonde, i'm pretty and i am going to capetown'.
So the flight attendant called a senior flight attendant. so she went upto her and told her to go back down.
But the blonde again replied, ''i am a blonde, i'm pretty and i am going to capetown'.
So the senior flight attendant went and called the captain. The captain came out and saw her and said, 'aaaah my wife is a blonde, i know just how told handle this'.
He walked upto the blonde and whispered something in her ear and she went running straight down to economy class.
The two flight attendants stood there shocked and asked the captain what he said to her.

2007-10-08 01:43:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-08 01:35:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was a bit depressed last night so i rang the samaritans, I was put through to a call centrein pakistan, I told bthem i was a bit suicidal they got all excited and asked if i could fly a plane!!

2007-10-08 01:21:47 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-08 01:04:12 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Now it all makes sense!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

Threre are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the civilian work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And your're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

2007-10-08 01:01:15 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

this is a brain teaser try to figure it out

2007-10-08 00:52:28 · 15 answers · asked by brennan_ivy 2

Top 10 inventions by blondes
1. The pedal powered wheel chair
2. The inflatable dart board
3. The waterproof towel.
4. The sloar powered torch.
5. The dictionary index
6. Helicopter ejector seat.
7. Powdered water.
8. The waterproof tea bag
9. Book on how to read.
10. Submarine screen door.

Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

Why do nursing homes give Viagra to old men? To stop them rolling off the bed!

Why is the Mexican Olympic team so unsuccessful? because anyone who can run, jump or swim is in America by now!

A plane was taxiing down the runway for take off, when suddenly it stopped, turned round, and returned to the gate. After an hour and a half wait it finally took off. A worried passenger asked the attendant "what was the problem?". "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine" explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot..."

2 pregnant mothers are knitting jumpers for their soon to be born babies.1 mother says, "i hope i have a boy because my jumper is blue".The other mother replies, "i hope i have a spastic because i've f***ed up the arms!!"

How do u know if a man has a high sperm count? If the girl has to chew before she swallows.

If God made the top half of the women, who made the bottom? The Council, of course, only they would put a sh it hole next to a play area!

Q:what do you get when you find a dead blonde in the closet? A:hide and seek champian of 1996.

Why does a man's penis have a hole in it? So he can get oxygen to his brain.

What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue? Well hung.

2007-10-08 00:49:11 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

eventually wine matures

2007-10-08 00:20:52 · 28 answers · asked by majoti 5