Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

The parents of a Northwestern University student received this letter:

Dear Mom and Dad,
Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t! But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don't want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home. Love
Your $on

Parents response:

Dear Son:
NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing. Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left. Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time. Have to go NOw. Love,
Mom & Dad

2007-10-08 18:46:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

2007-10-08 18:39:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this
past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
rat **** in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing. also, I now have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me
to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a
long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my
back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and
Uzbekistan .

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up
the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a
lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ
who have infrequent sexual activity always read their
e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

2007-10-08 18:25:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.”

Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”

2007-10-08 18:18:59 · 4 answers · asked by aznlakersmaniac 3

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

2007-10-08 18:05:43 · 8 answers · asked by aznlakersmaniac 3

that were stranded on an island after their boat capsized.

Shortly thereafter, they were kidnapped by some cannibals who informed them that they were going to kill them all, eat them for supper, and use their skin for their canoes. They gave each man the choice of how he wanted to die.

The Englishman chose to die by sword. They handed him an a sword which he held overhead shouting "Hail the Queen!" and then stabbed himself and died.

The Frenchman chose to die by revolver. They handed him his weapon and he shot himself after shouting, "Viva la France!"

Finally, they ask the American and he requests a fork.

A fork? They are all puzzled, but sticking to their promise find him a fork.

The American grabs the fork and begins to stab himself everywhere furiously ... shouting ...

"D*mn you canoes!!!!"

=)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2007-10-08 17:57:09 · 7 answers · asked by ? 7

"Shut up"
"Don't you pay attention?"
"Pay attention!"
"I hate you"

Make em' funny and good. =)

2007-10-08 17:41:06 · 13 answers · asked by Cathy 2

Little Billy was doing very badly in math. His mother had tried everything. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, she took him and enrolled him in a local private school.
After the first day, Billy came home with a very serious look on his face. he didn't even say hello. He went straight to his room and hit the books. His mother was amazed. She called him to dinner and to her shock, the minute he finished, he marched straight back to his room and continued studying. This went on day after day with no explaination.
Finally, Billy brought home his report card. He quietly handed it to his mother and went to study. To her joy, Billy got an A in math! Now she could no longer hold back her curiousity and went to her son's room.
"I must know, Was it the nuns?" she asked.
Billy looked at her and shook his head, no.
"The books? the discipline?" she asked.
Little Billy looked at her and said "On the first day, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

2007-10-08 17:01:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry,
what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
I think I should be in the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

The teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish
liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman
does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

"Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong....... "

2007-10-08 16:56:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."

2007-10-08 16:30:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was a man moving to Florida from Illinois. His wife would meet him there the next day. He sent her an e-mail but spelled the address wrong and ended up going to an old lady whos husband recently had passed away. The lady read the message and after fell on the floor dead.


The message read:
Dearest Wife,
I just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

2007-10-08 15:47:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

man:hello can I bye some bird seeds

lady:do you have a bird. may I see it.

man: yes,but it's at home.

lady:sorry no bird no buy.

then he went back to the store the next day.

Man: hello can i have some alligator food

lady:oh you have an alligator may I see it.

man: Yes but its at home

lady: sorry no alligator no buy.

the next day he went back.

lady: what's in the bag?

man:why don't you put your hand inside?

lady:hmm its stiff and ouch ,roar

2007-10-08 15:41:18 · 13 answers · asked by john n 1

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the kid.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

2007-10-08 15:33:10 · 11 answers · asked by m2united 1

The train on platform one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in
sideways.
.......
This male prostitute contracted leprosy.
He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

2007-10-08 15:32:20 · 1 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now
class, I won' t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at
the student, shakes her head and sweetly says.

Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

2007-10-08 15:31:24 · 5 answers · asked by KC_Killer 4

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.

She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

2007-10-08 15:23:03 · 34 answers · asked by m2united 1

A Cowboy rides into town on Tuesday ,
stays 2 nights and leaves on Monday ,
how does he do it?

10pts up for grabs!

2007-10-08 15:20:45 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?" Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. " Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?" Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? " Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical ."

2007-10-08 15:15:11 · 20 answers · asked by m2united 1

Children today are well aware of what goes on in the home I do believe....
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question,

"How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this Family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

2007-10-08 15:15:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok I know it's old, but I just wanna see who knows it He He...

2007-10-08 14:54:58 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three words, I am stressed. But you have no idea. Everyday I get up and go to work at Panda Express. I wake up at 7:13 brush my teeth till 7:16 and put on that one shirt and pants that I have. Which ironically say “Welcome to Panda Express.” I sit in my car that’s brown with rust, and drive across the street to Panda Express. Where I labor myself for the next 24 hours and eat Panda Express food, while passing out fortune cookies that say “Life is a fun.” So much for that. After laboring at Panda Express, I arrive home and sleep, till the next day. This has been going on for lets see, 15 years? Nope, guess again! More like 25 years!! I need help, my life is too boring. I need someone to jump from behind the window and slap me. Show me the true meaning of life. But sadly all I see behind my window is the crumbs of a cookie. Yes, a Panda Express fortune cookie.
The fortune cookies that I pass out at work, are chanting “Go to the doctor, Go to the doctor.” Who knew fortune cookies could talk. The next day I head over to the doctor.
“Hello”, the doctor says. He smells like Panda Express. I explain him my problem and he tells me that I only have one choice, try out stress relieving candles and meditate while staring at them for 12 hours straight.
“That’s a fine idea!” I shouted at the doctor. He smiled and gave me instructions on where to order some. After two weeks, a box of stress relieving candles come to my door. I decide to start my meditating as soon as possible!
So I get to work and set up the ten candles around myself in a circle. I sit in the middle and starting meditating while staring at each candle for exactly 13.54830 seconds. The colors radiate through my eyes and brain, and soon I can’t even tell what was happening around me. After my time was up, I closed my eyes and decided to go and have a snack and come back and do some more meditating. A Panda Express Fortune Cookie would hit spot!
I picked the top one and opened it. The slip of paper read “Expect the Unexpected.” I tossed the paper aside and gobbled up the fortune cookie. I headed back to the candles and sat in the middle of the circle.
As I was about to start staring at the candles, I heard the rustling of my Panda Express fortune cookies bag. I strained my neck to take a look at the kitchen, and I see my boss from Panda Express eating MY fortune cookies!! I run toward the kitchen tripping on the burning candles.
“What are you doing you donkey?!” I scream at the nitwit. As fast as the man came he left jumping out from kitchen window. My mouth is left hanging open, and I jump right after that mule.
“Ayaaaaaaaa!” I screamed. “Youa betta comaback!” But he was nowhere in sight. I walked back to my house with anger and a puffy face. As I came up to my street, I could see smoke. I took a glance assured myself it wasn’t my house and walked on. When I came to my front door, there were firemen and police everywhere. My house was on fire. As I gasped I fell to the prickly grass and yelled out, “To hell with candles!”

2007-10-08 14:29:15 · 5 answers · asked by مدينا Medina ☪ 6

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

2007-10-08 14:13:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man who run in front of car,soon get tyred.
Man who run behind car,soon get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano.
Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways, goin to bangkok.
Man with one chopstick,go hungry.
Man who scratch a.ss should not bite fingernail.
Man who eat prunes,get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right,war determine who is left.
Wife who put man in dog house,soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day,get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to make crib,but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell,bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet,is high on pot.
Man who fish in other mans well,often catch crabs........

2007-10-08 14:01:07 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brain surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant. "You have the choice of two brains," he told the patient. "For $1,000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."
The patient was amazed at the huge price difference. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.
The brain surgeon replied, "No, it's not better, just unused."

2007-10-08 13:54:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

three polish astronauts held a news confrence the other day telling the world that they were about to embark on a mission to the sun! a reporter jumped up and stated "ah mission to the sun?" you will burn up alive in space before you even get within ah million miles!!!! one of the astronauts stood up and replied "we've got that all figured out!" "we plan to go at night"

2007-10-08 13:30:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

grabs the doctor by his jacket and hits him in the mouth.
"You bloody pervert",he shouts,"How dare you tell my wife she has a pretty fanny".
The doctor,staggering from the punch says,"You fool,you've got it wrong, I said your wife has acute angina".

2007-10-08 13:13:24 · 8 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

2007-10-08 13:02:11 · 11 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

Man to doctor "Doctor, I think I'm a dog"
Doc says "Lie on the couch"
Man replies "I'm not allowed up on the furniture!!"

2007-10-08 12:56:10 · 8 answers · asked by billy b 3

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,
I'll have nothing left to live for."

2007-10-08 12:32:19 · 7 answers · asked by P!NK 5

with a camel. After several weeks, he is missing the 'company' of a woman and begins to see the camel in a different way. So he decides to 'have a go' at the camel but just as he is about to 'enter' the camel turns round and bites a lump from his right ear. Cursing, he tears a strip of sheeting and binds it round his wounded ear and head and resumes his treck. A few weeks later he's forgotten the pain of his ear and the camel looking decidedly sexy by this time so he tries again.
He's just getting into his stride when the camel turns round and bites his left ear. The pain is terrible and as he binds up his wound he curses the b****d.
Months later he heard a woman's voice coming from behind a sand dune. Help, she's shouting. Please, someone help.
He goes towards the sand dune and finds a beautiful girl spread out and tethered by the hands and ankles and is clearly in a bad way. He cuts her free and nurses her to health.
When she is well, she wishes to repay him.
Anything you

2007-10-08 11:55:54 · 12 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4