Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep

I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice

For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside

I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back

For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night

I pray I'll always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule

To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.

2007-10-09 10:05:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

if it doesn't grow...he lied....so his nose grows..

if it grows...he didn't lie....so why did it grow?

2007-10-09 10:01:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its a fairly easy riddle once you scrutinize it.

Can you make up any of your own?

2007-10-09 09:52:43 · 3 answers · asked by The Zunester 5

she replied. On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a bowl of Coco Pops & then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the theme park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling & her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonald's where her husband bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries & a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the coke she could drink, her favorite lollypop, & M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband & fell onto the bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife & lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 8 again?" Her eyes opened & her expression changed. "I meant my dress size!"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong!

2007-10-09 09:48:20 · 6 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Ok, here's the deal, you need to make a story, joke, riddle, or anything else you can think of that's in that cadagory. Nothing iniprpreot! Include these things:
1."Ding, dong, the pigish type thing is alive?"
2.Name a chicken "Dingdat"
3.Have a cow swing.

Good luck!

2007-10-09 09:46:58 · 5 answers · asked by Lilliputian 2

thanks

=]

2007-10-09 09:42:58 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

kevin's wife picks him up after work every day at 5:30 pm. one day, he leaves at 4:58 p.m. and starts walking home. she picks him up along the way, and when they get home, he notices that they saved four minutes. how long did kevin walk

=]

2007-10-09 09:39:41 · 16 answers · asked by ...I Just Wanted My Phone Call.. 6

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awoke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.


His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home
and put the costume away. She was sitting up reading when her husband came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my
Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

2007-10-09 09:16:54 · 7 answers · asked by Deb S 6

A dinna hay a bawbee.Ave git holes in ma sheen a ar lettin in water.My toosers are barkit n won in a.My jackits an al een Ive hid it al lang time.The elbas hiv left n the win jist bla s in.It ust ti hay buttins ina.Ma bike s got punktyrs so am wakin. Files yer here thanx for your ear.I will look at all replies.And give ten points.

2007-10-09 09:05:26 · 7 answers · asked by the rocket 4

2007-10-09 09:02:16 · 12 answers · asked by nanna 5

there are 3 hundred-thousands, 1 ten-thousands, 5 thousands, 9 hundreds, 5 tens, and 5 ones in a number.. what is the number ??

2007-10-09 08:39:14 · 9 answers · asked by suzy_nismeiry 2

2007-10-09 08:22:05 · 10 answers · asked by FromTheTop 1

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

2007-10-09 07:06:11 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-09 06:58:09 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-09 06:56:17 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the only thing, of your own, that everyone else uses more than you do?

P.S. It is the easiest answer if you think hard enough. I'll post the answer if no one gets it in like 10-15 questions!

2007-10-09 05:33:08 · 23 answers · asked by ? 3

1. What did one bulb say to another?

2. Which job has plenty of openings?

3. What did the mother telephone say to her daughter telephone?

4. What's the difference between a watch seller and a jailor?

5. He is my son, but i am not his father. who am I?

2007-10-09 05:23:05 · 19 answers · asked by niki 2

2007-10-09 05:16:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a spelling test, Johnny spelt the word 'wrong' as 'wrng'. It was marked with a big red cross. He went to see his teacher and said, "This is wrong right?" His teacher replied, "Yes, it's wrong." Johnny then said, "Then why is there a cross?"

I'm not sure if it's very funny...if you get the whole joke and know how to phrase it in a better manner please tell me, thanks!

2007-10-09 03:06:29 · 8 answers · asked by milky s 4

2007-10-09 02:54:33 · 23 answers · asked by grassmonkeys 4

doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

2007-10-09 02:12:40 · 8 answers · asked by grassmonkeys 4

2007-10-09 02:01:59 · 8 answers · asked by Everything happens for a reason 4

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

2007-10-09 00:38:28 · 39 answers · asked by "!" 5

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"

2007-10-09 00:10:38 · 28 answers · asked by "!" 5

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

2007-10-09 00:09:26 · 24 answers · asked by "!" 5

If you were in a car, driving at the speed of light, and you turned on your headlights... would anything in front of you be illuminated?

2007-10-08 23:44:21 · 24 answers · asked by grassmonkeys 4

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

2007-10-08 21:46:25 · 5 answers · asked by jake5282 2

and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked down between his legs then back at him and said,
'Well... Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
'This is your grandma's idea

ps did you hear about this

Last night, President Bush had dinner with a group of Muslims at the White House and he quoted the prophet Mohammed. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Mohammed as “the greatest boxer of all time.”

2007-10-08 20:27:30 · 4 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

SING IT GIRLS!!
At first I was afraid I was petrified
When you said you had 10 inches lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong, and I knew I could take you on............
But there you are another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry!
I should have known that it was bull***t , just a sad pathetic dream should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!
Go on now go- walk out the door

2007-10-08 20:13:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell me a really geeky math joke.

2007-10-08 19:53:27 · 7 answers · asked by thisismyscreenname 2