Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

she was out standing in her field!

2007-10-08 11:53:30 · 12 answers · asked by Cap10kirk 3

hose a
and
hose b

2007-10-08 11:52:50 · 8 answers · asked by Cap10kirk 3

It went down the road and turned into a field!

2007-10-08 11:52:00 · 3 answers · asked by Cap10kirk 3

2007-10-08 11:45:37 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
by - Emo Phillips

2007-10-08 11:39:40 · 16 answers · asked by Sultan Cartman 5

okay i would like to see if you can beat this gross nasty joke that this guy told to me in homeroom today!!

oh and i dont hate michael jackson he is still way kool!

and dont post anything going oh i dont know any or your so mean or crap like that but here it goes...


one day mj was sitting on a bench beside a little boy he asked the boy "hey do you want to sit on my lap?" the boy said "sure" michael was bouncing him on his lap and said "can you feel my finger up your butt" the child said yes, micheal lifted up his arms and told him,"no hands"

2007-10-08 11:32:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your pen1s?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

2007-10-08 11:30:20 · 13 answers · asked by Cap10kirk 3

standing in a shop doorway, with her kn*ckers round her ankles, and she's eating a from a bag of chips.
He approaches her and said,
Now then, Miss, what's going on here?
Oh, said the girl, looking up from her chips, has he gawn already?

2007-10-08 11:25:21 · 7 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

2007-10-08 11:23:37 · 12 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed.

To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger.

One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

"No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"

2007-10-08 11:22:54 · 4 answers · asked by I, Sapient 7

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a pi**, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling h*rny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your s*x?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a sh*t instead."

2007-10-08 11:18:52 · 7 answers · asked by Cap10kirk 3

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

2007-10-08 11:09:36 · 9 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ******* fence wasn't electrified."

2007-10-08 10:58:08 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

My friend said this as a joke and i don't really get it, could someone explain? yeah I know I'm stupid

2007-10-08 10:42:26 · 9 answers · asked by ஐDaniஐ 3

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

2007-10-08 10:40:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

2007-10-08 10:37:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

was playing in the paddling pool with the little girl next door, splashing her with water.
He says - I'm gonna duck you.
She says - don't be stupid, you can't even say it right.

2007-10-08 10:23:55 · 8 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

I don't care what your name is Fatso, get that reindeer off my roof!

2007-10-08 10:21:19 · 16 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

2007-10-08 10:17:13 · 9 answers · asked by Randy 1

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at
the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them
on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then
consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments,
"Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man
replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic
bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers

2007-10-08 10:13:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

i told him she was an angel, he said i was lucky cause his wife was still alive.

2007-10-08 10:11:45 · 7 answers · asked by alser 2

2007-10-08 10:08:14 · 25 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

He drove up next to her, rolled down his window and shouted,
"Pull Over"
She yelled back,"NO!...It's a pair of socks!"

2007-10-08 10:06:13 · 5 answers · asked by ♫ Bubastes, Cat Goddess♥ 7

i want to know so yeah i been asked the question lots of times to day

2007-10-08 10:03:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of
heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted
by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you
must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?",
they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?",
he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got
married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I
got married but was not after I got married." "Very good",
said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with
every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere,
anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
my room key."

2007-10-08 10:02:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.
The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.''

2007-10-08 09:59:16 · 4 answers · asked by Melanie 5

A little boy and a little girl were playing. The little boy exposes himself, and pointing says" my daddy says I have one of these and you don't!".

The little girl very upset by this runs crying into the house. A while later, very much settled and content, she comes out. She exposes herself and pointing says "I have one of these, and my mommy says when I get older if I am good, I can have all of those I want!".

2007-10-08 09:56:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange. (yes the fruit) He orders a pint, and the barman looks at him in amazement and says "Did you know half your head is an orange?" The man says yes, he did. The barman asks why, and how. "Well..." the man begins. "I found a lamp in my attic, and I rubbed it, and a genie came out. He said he would grant me three wishes. So i wished for money, a car, and that half my head was an orange."

You know you laughed!

2007-10-08 09:46:58 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

let it down slowly

rat poison only kills rats

i'll get your toast out

it's strong enough for both of us

this dosn't taste right

i can make this light before it changes

nice doggie

i can do that with my eyes closed

i've done this before

well we've made it this far

that's odd

okay this is the last time

with those guns, those guys couldn't hit the side of a......

don't be so superstitious

now watch this

this planet has an atmosphere just like on earth

what duck??

:D star if you laugh!! :D
have a good day!

2007-10-08 09:28:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hey, careful with that thing

You can't expose it to the light

Is it stiff yet?

Don't open the door

I can't get it in

How much time is left?

I just can't enlarge it to that size.

Would you like to see my exposures?

Don't go anywhere, we're not finished yet.

So how does it go in there?

It dosn't work the way you say.

Check the chart.

I always perfer manual enlarging.

hope you like 'em. star if you laugh. or giggle. or snicker. or whatever. enjoy!! :D

2007-10-08 09:24:07 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous