Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

a woman who won't do as she's told!

2007-10-07 23:48:04 · 17 answers · asked by Will 5

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.





Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...





Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.





Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....





Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!





Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.





Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: I) no mind ii) no business




Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.




Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...




Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
Intention of driving.




Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!




Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

2007-10-07 23:38:43 · 7 answers · asked by PC 7

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'




A blonde had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra.

"Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"

"Braille," she replied.

2007-10-07 23:37:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

2007-10-07 23:31:09 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 explorers a frenchman, an englishman and a New Yorker, are captured by a fierce tribe and waiting in a hut for their sentence. The Chief walks in and tells them:" We will kil all of you and use your skins to make canoe. You choose how to die"!!
The frenchman says:" I want ze poizon. Vive la France!", drinks it and dies.
The enlishman says:" Please, I want a pistol. God save the Queen!", points the pistol to his head and blows his brain out.
The New Yorker says:" I'd like a fork!". The Chief is puzzled but gives him the fork.
The New Yorker, starts jabbing himself all over his body. His stomach, his sides, his arms and legs. There is blood gushing all over! It's horrible to watch! The Chief is appalled and screams:" Stop it, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the Chief and says:" So much for your canoe, you a- -hole!!!!"

2007-10-07 23:29:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

go on facation and find themselves on a nudity beach...The little one asked his mother : " Why do some girls have bigger boobs than others?" Mom in shock replies: " Well , son, the bigger they are the dumber they are....The next day he asks" why are some men bigger than others? She again replies.."The bigger they are the. the dumber they are.
The very next day mother is looking for father and ask the son if he had seen him...he replies..." Yeah, he is down the beach talking to one og the dumbest girls here, and the longer he is talking to her, the dumber he gets."

2007-10-07 23:28:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

you can reason with a terrorist

2007-10-07 23:15:07 · 16 answers · asked by majoti 5

a battery has a positive side

2007-10-07 23:10:40 · 21 answers · asked by majoti 5

When he gets there he realizes that he has left his wallet at home and there is something important in it that he needs. He gets on the phone, calls home where the butler answers.

"James, I left my wallet in my pants, and I need you to get it for me. There is an important paper that you can read to me over the phone."

The butler goes upstairs to the bedroom to get the wallet. A few minutes later he comes back to the phone to tell the man, "I am sorry, your wife is in the bedroom and she does not let me in to get the wallet!"

The man tells James, "I do not care about that! Tell her you need to get in! Just get the wallet for me, now!"

James goes upstairs again, and returns a minute later, "Sir, I could not find your wallet, but I did discover a man hiding in the room with your wife!"

"What? I do not believe this! OK. Listen to me! This is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and shoot the man and my wife along with him before he gets away! Hurry, now!"

James runs off again. A few minutes later, the man hears shotgun blasts in the background. James returns to the phone and tells him, "OK, I did it. They are both dead. Now what?"

The man replies, "Now I want you to take the bodies and dump them in the swimming pool. I am on my way. I will be there shortly!"

"What?" says James, "you do not have a swimming pool!"

"I am sorry," says the man, "wrong number."

2007-10-07 21:59:26 · 5 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

* Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
* What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
* If we put a man on the moon, we should be able to put them all up there.
* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
* Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
* Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
* Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
* If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
* The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
* Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

2007-10-07 21:55:22 · 4 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

Only two died. But then again, every little helps.

2007-10-07 21:54:22 · 13 answers · asked by bluenose 4

What do you call an Essex girl with two braincells?
Pregnant.......
What does an Essex girl use for protection?
A bus shelter.....

2007-10-07 21:50:54 · 13 answers · asked by debray 3

While Pope Benedict's luggage was loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)

2007-10-07 21:47:22 · 3 answers · asked by milky s 4

Does anyone have anything to share?

Here I got this from an e-mail:
Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect...
But nobody's perfect...
so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

2007-10-07 21:44:13 · 4 answers · asked by milky s 4

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

2007-10-07 21:43:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you're worried no-one sees your pain...

When you're happy no-one sees your smile.

But just try farting and see the attention you get!

Star if you think it's funny!

2007-10-07 21:42:27 · 7 answers · asked by ? 6

Rochester Barbie
This chain smoking, beer chugging model has low rise jeans complete with
muffin tops, for that extra something to hold on to. She has a lower back
tattoo, cuz she's kinda slutty like that. She drives a 1995 ford probe, and
thinks she can dance better then you can. She comes complete with Drug
Dealing Ken, who doesn't have a car or his license because he's on
probation. Navel piercing sold separately


Fresco Barbie
This Barbie is 25 years old with a liberal arts degree, but she spends her
days making $5 coffee drinks for Stratham Barbie. She comes with a cheap
purse, which doesn't matter because she'll lose it at Biddy Mulligan's on
Saturday night, anyway. Man-Slut Ken Doll sold separately, although he
never remembers to call her after he sneaks out of her apartment on Sunday
morning.

2007-10-07 21:05:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give it a star if you find it funny,,,,,,


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the
husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife
flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There
was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found
his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!

2007-10-07 20:38:06 · 10 answers · asked by Bio Hazard 4

A man tried to join the marines.Sergent said what did you do in your civilian life?He said I was a bloop maker.He said we dont want you try the navy.The navy said we dont want you try the Airforce.Airforce said try the Army.Army said we might take you but tell us what does a bloop maker do?He said I get up at 7 O Clock every morning I go and drive up this big hill I make a right where these farmers are working I make a left at the second corner.I go straight until I get to this big oak tree.turn left go straight and there is a big barn.I open the door to the barn and I have to change into my thermal underware and I open the door to this walk in freezer I go through to the other side and change clothes.I then go in this large room In the room is a big wooden box I open the door where a trunk is I open that box and find the tin foil ball I unwrap it and then there is a plastic bag inside the bag there is a rock I take out the rock and throw it in the lake and it goes bloop.

2007-10-07 20:33:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

going down down down"
or something like that...
its not "ive been working the railroad"
its some old silly song
and i really want it !

2007-10-07 20:08:46 · 5 answers · asked by herro_chums 2

Gen.Scharkoppf was in charge of troops in Desert Storm.Who was in charge og Dept. of Transportation,Dept.of Utilities.Dept.of Education.

2007-10-07 19:34:58 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a very bad man that was sent to hell after he died for his very bad deeds...

he then meet satan. behind satan were three doors of hell punishment, he wants the man to pick one of the doors behind. the first door was a chamber 2 big ugly guys with knives that will stab him endless.. the man cried and said to satan "i wont pick this door". then they went to the 2nd door..
big rocks from above will endless fall into him... the man doesnt like the 2nd door either.. then the last door was a hot woman making bl0w j*b to the old man.. the bad man was a bit happy and picked the 3rd door.. then satan said to the hot woman "hey you can go now someone here replaces you.."

2007-10-07 18:43:31 · 11 answers · asked by champs 3

2007-10-07 18:29:00 · 11 answers · asked by Oh itsme !! 3

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. Y'ken," said the
Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a
wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way
for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th
drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the
house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims.

But, the Irishman swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen
to me sister."

2007-10-07 18:28:32 · 5 answers · asked by Honey 2

I knew this guy right and he had been feeling sick for quite sometime now
I had been telling him to go see a doctor and because his situation was getting so bad he decided to go see a doctor so off we went.

He went into the doctors room sat down and was told that he had some sort of rare intestinal virus. He was subscribed with suppositries and told to take two a day. The doctor said he would give him the first one.

Once we got back to his house I had a few beers and left then it was time for his next one so he asked his wife if she could do it. So she put her hand on his shoulder and thrusted the supositry into his @ss.

He screamed and his wife said "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

He said "No - I just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!"

2007-10-07 18:09:59 · 18 answers · asked by Honey 2

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers. In a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

His mother was amazed.

She called him to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looked at it. To her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!"

"Well, then," she asked, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

2007-10-07 18:08:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep.

However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

2007-10-07 18:05:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three ministers were at a function: a Pentecostal, an Anglican and a Methodist.


Drinks were served and there was a choice between wine or grape juice. The Anglican and the Methodist both took a glasses of wine, but the

Pentecostal said, "I'd rather commit adultery than pollute myself with alcohol!"

The Methodist quickly placed his wine back on the tray. "I didn't realise there was a third choice," he said.

2007-10-07 18:03:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

2007-10-07 17:59:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The deal is i need a moderatly clean funny joke to tell ma mates at school, so the one that makes me laugh the most gets a easy 10 points. GOOD LUCK

2007-10-07 17:23:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous