Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

2007-10-06 19:03:56 · 20 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor lets do it in chambers.
7. Her solicitor withdrew at the last minute
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on!
4. For $200 per hour, he better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?

2007-10-06 18:53:00 · 9 answers · asked by Honey 2

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst.
An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on
water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

2007-10-06 18:47:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."



The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.


Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.


At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by; the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.



If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

2007-10-06 18:44:18 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

2007-10-06 18:43:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'

1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will cave in if I ever came to church."

3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.

4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, "The pastor speaks too softly," and cotton for those who say, "He preaches too loudly."

5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.

8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.

2007-10-06 18:39:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, "Steve's Place," and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

2007-10-06 18:34:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to se**ally assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."



Ten . . . to Live

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

2007-10-06 18:34:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-06 18:08:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Excuse me." (Male To Male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Female)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Female)
(Move your fat a**. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker...And get your eyes off my man, or I'll slap you like the "beach" that you are!)

CHeeRioS

2007-10-06 17:49:58 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do
so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does
that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs
and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see
2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their
program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more
sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

2007-10-06 17:35:43 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

2007-10-06 17:32:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

2007-10-06 17:29:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cowboy walks into the Dentist's office and after the Dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the Doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the Dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas"

So the Dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks, "What is it?"

The Doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth"

2007-10-06 17:08:24 · 10 answers · asked by Charlotte's Dad 5

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ‘’Why did you do that?'’

The man replies, ‘’Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It’s the least I could do.'’

2007-10-06 16:42:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a couple decided to elope, but before they had a chance to tie the knot they were killed in a car crash. when they got to the pearly gates they asked st peter if they could get married in heaven.
st peter said he'd never had such a request before and he'd have to ask someone if it was possible. he came back eight weeks later and said he'd organised it, but by then the couple were worried about spending an eternity together and asked if they could get divorced if it all went wrong.
"f*****g h*ll" yelled st peter. "it's taken me two months to find a priest up here! do you have any idea how long it's going to take to find a lawyer?"

2007-10-06 16:18:50 · 9 answers · asked by Tim P 1

Not 'how' since we know his parents probably started it, but why?

2007-10-06 15:58:10 · 10 answers · asked by Steve W 2

funeral. As the pallbearers turned the corner, they banged the casket on the wall. All of a sudden they heard a voice, it was the old woman...she was still alive!
She lived 10 more years.
At her funeral, as the pallbearers turned that same corner, her husband yelled "Watch that wall"!!!!

2007-10-06 15:54:20 · 10 answers · asked by ANewLife 6

2007-10-06 15:49:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

who would you protect? you cant say both you not The Flash

2007-10-06 15:49:21 · 25 answers · asked by Yo! 1

2007-10-06 15:43:47 · 22 answers · asked by muzzi mccoll 1

You will not believe it, last week I found pornographic magazines in father's bedroom!"

the second nun says: "I found worse, yesterday I went in his bedroom and found a condom!"

Then, the first nun asks her:"Oh dear lord! What did you do with them?"

The second nun then says:"I poked holes in it"

The third nun fainted...

2007-10-06 15:25:32 · 10 answers · asked by NICO Bam Bam 2

behind the counter, "I'LL HAVE A BURGER & LARGE FRIES & A COKE".
The lady behind the counter says, "Ma'am, this is a library"!
The blonde, clearly embarressed, whispers, "I'll have a burger & large fries & a coke".

2007-10-06 14:39:55 · 9 answers · asked by ANewLife 6

The Cab Driver
A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.

"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.

After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"

"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"

2007-10-06 14:20:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

2007-10-06 14:19:38 · 7 answers · asked by confused 4

A group of vampire bats were hangin out in the cave when another bat comes flying back with blood all over his face.
All of the other bats get excited and so the bloody bat says "follow me".So when they come over a hill the bloody bat says "do you see that tree"? Yeah! Yeah!Yeah!
"Well I didn't"

2007-10-06 13:31:01 · 8 answers · asked by NICO Bam Bam 2

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? Two. One to eat the possum and the other to watch for traffic.

The Toothbrush had to be invented in Kentucky - If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

What's the most popular chat-up line in Arkansas? Mn, nice tooth.

Who's the poorest person in West Virginia? The Tooth Fairy.

At Mississippi State University they've found another use for sheep - wool.

Hillbilly Zake goes to his Pa and says 'Y know I'm fixin to marry Lou-Lou-Bell?' 'Yup', says Pa 'Well' says Zake 'I just found out she done be a virgin'. 'Lou-Lou-Bell a virgin' exclaims Pa 'Well you ain't marrying her, boy, an' that's final. If she ain't good enough fer own kin, she ain't good enough fer ours'.

What do you call a Hillbilly who owns sheep and goats? Bisexual

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm??? A Pimp

Your Family Tree doesn't fork

Your front porch collapses, and more than six dogs are killed.

2007-10-06 13:13:02 · 11 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

The rich want it and the poor have it.
If you eat it you will eventually die.

2007-10-06 13:12:26 · 6 answers · asked by volleygirl29210 3

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't swear or scratch when the poison oak started itching. BUT when the two squirrels crawled up my trouser leg and one of them said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well....... I guess I just panicked.

2007-10-06 12:48:39 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist - were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit hinmself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed and the electric shock was only a minor setback, but, by god, I'm going to kill the guy who put anaesthetic in the Vaseline!!"

2007-10-06 11:43:58 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous