Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

''I'm baffled by your yellow penis,'' the doctor told his patient.
''Does anyone else in your family have this condition?''
The concerned fellow shook his head.
''Do you handle any chemicals at work?''
''I don't work. I'm unemployed.''
Well, what do you do all day?''
''Oh, I mostly sit around watching porno movies, eating Quavers.''

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Worried about his failing eyesight, a man goes to his optician - who tells him he must stop masturbating.
''Why?'' asks the man, worriedly, ''Am I going blind?''
''No, your eyesight is fine,'' says the optician, ''But it upsets the other patients in the waiting room.''

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An Essex girl is out driving one day when her car skids and hits the car in front. As she's injured, an ambulance is called and a medic quickly arrives.
''What's your name, love? he asks.
''Tracy,'' she replies.
The medics sees a lot of blood.
''Tracy'' he asks, ''where are you bleeding from?''
''Romford,'' she replies.

Hope you liked...Toe.

2007-10-07 09:07:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What occurs once in minute, twice in every moment, but yet never in a thousand years?
You will get 10 points for the correct answer.
Laurey.
intercourse692@yahoo.com

2007-10-07 09:04:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just been 2 the gym and there's a new machine,

I only used it for an hour as i started to feel sick!

Its good though - it does everything.... KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers and Crisps.

2007-10-07 08:38:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the man who was so stupid, he wouldn't have any kids if it wasn't for his best mate!

2007-10-07 08:14:19 · 11 answers · asked by speedboat 3

Dave, a supermarket worker, is called away from his till.
''Your girlfriend's gone into labour early,'' a supervisor tells the worried young man.
''A nurse left her direct number. Give her a ring and she'll tell you what's happening.''

Unfortunately, the manager has written the number down wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club during a game.

''How's everything going?'' he asks.

''Oh, fine,'' says a cheery woman on the other end.
''We've got eight out already.

''EIGHT???'' wails Dave, who's already nervous enough about becoming a dad.

''Yep,'' says the lady...''And the last one was a duck.''




Hope you liked that one....Toe.

2007-10-07 08:13:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the

2007-10-07 07:55:23 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is greater than god, more evil than the devil, the hungy have it , the rich want it and if you eat it you will die?

first right answer i'll give best answer to.

2007-10-07 07:45:43 · 9 answers · asked by summer 4

A blonde was pulled over. the officer says, "Ma'am, I noticed you were swaying from side to side. Is there a problem?" She said,"Well, I swayed to the left, because there was a tree on the right, but then there was a tree on the left. So I swayed to the right, but there was tree there too!" The officer says,"Ma'am, I beileve that was your air freshener."

2007-10-07 07:45:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

She´s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Weaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

2007-10-07 07:19:55 · 12 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?

2007-10-07 07:07:30 · 12 answers · asked by volleygirl29210 3

3 women were walking along the beach when they met a man with no arms or legs. The first woman says "have u ever been kissed?" , "no" said the man, so she kissed him and walked on. The second woman said "have u ever been hugged?", again the man said no, so she hugged him and walked on. The third woman said "have u ever been f*cked?" again the man said no.........she said "you will be when the tide gets in!".

2007-10-07 05:57:34 · 25 answers · asked by mishnbong 6

The Post Office workers union negotiator came out of the meeting to tell the lads that he'd cracked it. "From next week, you will only have to work on Thursdays." A voice said "What- All day Thursdays?"

2007-10-07 05:39:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

just a little brain teaser thing....

2007-10-07 05:28:15 · 4 answers · asked by aclyue2 2

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.


A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.



So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.

2007-10-07 05:26:48 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

> DEGREES OF BLONDE
>
>`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:
>FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
>morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
>moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung
>up.
>The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman
>wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
>SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
>compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks
>in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second
>blonde
>says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact. The
>second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
>`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-
>THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she
>goes
>out and buys a gun. FOUR

2007-10-07 05:04:14 · 9 answers · asked by ~*~N@t0$h3a~*~ 2

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."

2007-10-07 05:01:25 · 10 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in a such a way that he will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

2007-10-07 04:47:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folks eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

2007-10-07 02:47:29 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

2007-10-07 02:42:50 · 20 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

Are you going to stay home and dispence candy or are you going trick-or-treating, and if you're going trick-or-treating what are you going as?

2007-10-07 02:41:10 · 5 answers · asked by Mike M. 7

She says ok you stand beside the ironing board and i will sit on the sofa and fart all night.

2007-10-07 00:56:08 · 26 answers · asked by taxed till i die,and then some. 7

The train was travelling along when a beautiful woman entered the compartment where only a businessman was sitting reading his paper. The man looked at her and asked: "Would you let me have sex with you for 1 Dollar?" She replied anygry:" Certainly not!" A short while after, the man asked again:" Would you let me have sex with you for 1 Million Dollars?" After a brief pause, the woman replied:" Yes, I suppose I would". Again, the man returned to his paper. A few minutes later, the man asked:" Would you let me have sex with you for 5 Dollars?" Now, very upset the woman answers:" What kind of girl do you take me for?" He looks at her and firmly replies:" We've already established that. We're just haggling over the price!"

P.S. Would you star it if you like it please?

2007-10-06 23:07:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear lord! I pray for wisdom to understand a man, to love and forgive him, and for patience for his moods, because lord if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death..

2007-10-06 22:59:51 · 20 answers · asked by jules 4

A lady inserted and ad in the classifieds "husband wanted" next day she got 100 letters, they all said the same thing "you can have mine! 2. A little boy asks his father "how much does it cost to get married, father replies "I dont know son, I'm still paying" 3. A young son asks "Daddy is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife till he's married?" dad replies "son that happens in every country" 4.If you want your spouse to listen and pay attention to everything you say, talk in your sleep! 5.First guy says "my wifes an angel" second guy remarks " your lucky, mines still alive.

2007-10-06 22:56:49 · 12 answers · asked by jules 4

John was having his coffee at a diner in the afternoon and was looking out of the window trying to clear his mind of troubles. He saw a funeral procession slowly passing along. Leading were two hearsk followed by a few cars, then a man with his dog and a few paces behind him, a long line of men in a single file that stretches as far as the eye can see.
Out of curiosity he decided to leave the diner and approached the procession. He walked quickly towards the man with the dog and asked him,
John: "Pardon me, but may I know who are the two persons that passed away?"
Man: "The 1st is my wife and the 2nd is my mother-in-law."
John: "Oh, how did they die may I ask?"
Man: "I bought this dog for my wife. It attacked her ferociously and my mother-in-law tried to stop it but was caught in the ferocity. Eventually, they died from it."
John paused for a moment before asking again.
John: "Any chance I can borrow the dog from you?
Man: "Sure! But you have to get in line as well."

2007-10-06 22:22:16 · 3 answers · asked by hotbodfun 2

“Finished files are the result of years of scientific study and a lot of common sense."



How many times does the letter "f" appear in the above sentence?

2007-10-06 21:28:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

where, he go to the house of his girlfriend and he sit at the sala set

2007-10-06 21:12:06 · 2 answers · asked by leinel1730 1

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

2007-10-06 20:54:45 · 6 answers · asked by KK 3

2007-10-06 20:24:25 · 12 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

1. What is height of Fashion?

A. Dhoti with a zip .


**************

2. What is height of Secrecy?

A. Offering blank visiting cards.


**************


3. What is height of Active laziness?

A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.


**************

4. What is height of Craziness?

A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.


**************

5. What is height of Forgetfulness?

A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.


**************

6. What is height of Stupidity?

A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

**************

7. What is height of Honesty?

A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.


**************

8. What is height of Suicide?

A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.


**************

9. What is height of De-hydration?

A. A cow giving milk powder.

2007-10-06 19:27:35 · 44 answers · asked by risker4you 2