Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

1.
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2.
Ahh, it's cute.
3.
Who circumcised you?
4.
Why don't we just cuddle?
5.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
6.
It's more fun to look at.
7.
Make it dance.
8.
You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9.
Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10.
It looks like a night crawler.
11.
Wow, and your feet are so big.
12.
My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13.
It's ok, we'll work around it.
14.
Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15.
Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17.
Oh no, a flash headache.
18.
(giggle and point) 19.
Can I be honest with you?
20.
My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21.
Let me go get my tweezers.
22.
How sweet, you brought incense.
23.
This explains your car.
24.
You must be a growing boy.
25.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow
26.
Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27.
Are you one of those pygmies?

2007-10-09 18:05:56 · 6 answers · asked by Megan 3

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Star if you like this joke! I have many more coming!

2007-10-09 17:37:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

2007-10-09 17:17:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every morning a little old lady stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and Shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moves into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this
way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
"THERE IS NO LORD I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME AND THE DEVIL PAID FOR THEM

2007-10-09 17:12:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman n : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

2007-10-09 17:06:57 · 7 answers · asked by utopia264 2

A riddle for the day
>
> Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
>
> Michael J. Fox has a small one.
>
> Madonna doesn't have one.
>
> The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
>
> Clinton uses his all the time.
>
> Bush is one
>
> Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
>
> Liberace never used his on a woman.
>
> Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
>
> Cher claims that she took on 3.
>
> We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
>
> What is it?

2007-10-09 16:53:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eight boys went camping and decided to take a break at a picnic table. From the clues given below, determine who sat where. [The eight boys were Joe, Doug, Dan, Alex, Gavin, Bob, Bill, Jim]

Joe sat diagonal from Dan
Doug sat three seats to Joe’s left hand side
Gavin sat directly across from Bob who sat in seat three
Alex sat directly across from Bill who sat to the right of , and next to, Doug

1 5
2 6
3 7
4 8

2007-10-09 15:48:00 · 7 answers · asked by 27ysq 4

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and p*sses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
dog just p*ssed all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

2007-10-09 15:46:59 · 8 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

Me and my friend want to pull a hilarious fast prank. The persons house is in a no outlet street so the prank has to be fast for us to do it then drive off. Any tips would be cool.

2007-10-09 14:57:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Classic joke:

I guy leaves town with his horse on Monday. He is gone for 2 days and comes back on Friday. How is this possible?

2007-10-09 14:40:02 · 8 answers · asked by otakunerd 4

2007-10-09 14:32:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

all he did was move his finger in circles around the pencil, and then he would his finger back, and the pencil would follow his finger. please tell me how to do it !!

2007-10-09 14:13:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You are nearly 1/2 Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You are 1/2 Drunk

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When Youï are Drunk

1. Thanks, but I dont want to have s*x.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but youre not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, Iïm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isnït it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldnï! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. Im not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. Iïd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to p*ss in this parking lot or on the road side.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning
.

2007-10-09 14:01:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly small head walks in and sits down next to him.

The first guy looks up and bursts out laughing. He asks, "What on earth happened to your head?"

The second man replies, "I was stranded on an island and a bottle floated up. I opened it and out came a female genie. She was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She told me I had one wish - so I took my time and thought long and hard about what I wanted. Finally, I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of our lives making passionate love to each other. She told me that was the one wish she couldn't fulfill."

"So, then what happened?" asked the first guy.

"Well, before I could think, I blurted out, 'So I suppose a little head is out of the question?'"

2007-10-09 12:54:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.

Queen Elizabeth II said "I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, "I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called Zimbabwe and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "One dollar". Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??" The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local"

2007-10-09 12:46:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.



Men are like....


1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.


2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.


3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.


4. Men are like . Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.


5. Men are like . Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.


6. Men are like . Commercials .. You can't believe a word they say.


7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!


8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.


9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12. Men are like . Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

2007-10-09 12:31:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is in desperate need of money and so she goes to the park and kidnaps a little boy. She writes a ransom note asking the boy's parents for $10,000 to be placed by the old oak tree in the park the following morning and signs the letter: "Blonde". She then pins the note to the boy's shirt and sends him home to his parents. The next morning, she goes to the old oak tree in the park and next to it she finds 10,000 dollars in a bag and a note attached saying: How could you do this to another blonde!?

No offense blondes, I love you!

2007-10-09 12:31:17 · 13 answers · asked by AYNEK 2

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop is charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.

"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.

The husband is sceptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing her husband won't bother her that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.

Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

2007-10-09 12:22:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Legend has it that there is a bar in NY where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie... POOF. They are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again!.

Soooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room, stand before the mirror and says, " I think I´m the most beautiful woman in the world". POOF the mirror swallow her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, " I think I´m the sexiest woman alive." POOF. The mirrorswallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says: " I think..." POOF!.

2007-10-09 12:07:03 · 7 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

The mom is 21 years older than the child.

In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.

Where is the father?

2007-10-09 11:43:16 · 12 answers · asked by malen316 2

anyone have a clue what this is?

2007-10-09 11:38:35 · 13 answers · asked by embraced_by_an_angel 2

with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along.

Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat."

An excited Little Johnny agreed.

Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."

2007-10-09 11:32:11 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)

How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.

Happy Birthday!
You look great for

2007-10-09 11:25:10 · 11 answers · asked by fezter_5405 1

If a plane crashes on the American/Canadian border,where do you bury the survivors and why?
10pts. to the first correct answer to both parts of the question.
You must answer both parts to qualify.

2007-10-09 11:12:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we blondes are going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

2007-10-09 11:00:13 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

2007-10-09 10:31:16 · 9 answers · asked by Brandon's been a dirty Hore 5

She's so ugly, Bigfoot takes pictures of HER!

2007-10-09 10:26:40 · 12 answers · asked by dreamer - VT-AM 4

Two mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad, dear," says the other.
And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me," says the other.
"And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

2007-10-09 10:22:10 · 11 answers · asked by Jenae, TV (tempter of the vile) 5

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little
girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, " What do you have under the
newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was
in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.

The guy says, " I don´t know. I was lying on the beach, this little
girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know here
I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain."

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her,
"Just what did you do to that naked fellow?"



After a pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I
broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

2007-10-09 10:18:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Read aloud, listen to self.

2007-10-09 10:09:01 · 7 answers · asked by ihatepenndot 4