Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his @ss.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $hit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his @ss.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2007-10-10 20:36:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.

One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do.

He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"

2007-10-10 20:29:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Navy fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well", explains the pilot, "it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"

The pilot taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

2007-10-10 20:26:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Lenny Archivist, always keeping an eye open for new job opportunities, decided to pay a visit to the Brightvale Institute of Technology, Engineering, Mathematics and Economics. Unfortunately, he showed up unannounced, and without an appointment, so the dean didn't have time to meet with him.

"Let me see if I have any free time," the dean said as he looked through the calendar. "But first, let me give you a little puzzle."

Then he wrote the following numbers on a piece of paper:

03 - 04 - 11 - 04 - 02 - 06 - 10 - 08

"Now, this code forms a word that would be part of your new job responsibilities. I don't think I could hire you unless you could solve it."

2007-10-10 19:53:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher ask the class of little one what number comes after 3 "four.. my daddy taught me some number at home". " very good" says the teacher " now what then comes after 7" and the same kid replies "eight". "you are very good " says the teach.. " now whats the 3 numbers after 10"......" oh thats easy its Jack Queen King" says the little kid

2007-10-10 19:36:27 · 10 answers · asked by robppc20022002 2

Q. (Showing man picture), That's you?
A. Yes sir.
Q. And you were present when this picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink while I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial.
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

2007-10-10 19:35:19 · 6 answers · asked by malen316 2

a guy wants to get into a private club he spys on some people getting in to get the secret code the door man says 12 a man says 6 and enters the club the door man says 6 and a guy says 3 and enters so he trys and the doorman says 10 and he said 5 the door man says NOPE....so what should he of said and why?

2007-10-10 18:55:49 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

2007-10-10 18:48:20 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shite jokes"My dog Minton keeps eating all my shuttlecocks."
"Bad Minton!"

Two men are walking through a graveyard with their dogs .
One man turns to the other and says "Morning"
The other man replies "No, just walking the dog...

Q: Why should you never buy Russian underpants?
A: Chernobyl fallout

Q: "What do you call a pig with three eyes?"
A: "Piiig!"

Q: What have David Beckham and Des O'Connor got in common?
A: They're both bloody awful singers.

Q: What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
A: Justice Fingers.

Stevie Wonder gets a cheese grater for Christmas.
Mate calls to ask if he liked it.
Stevie says, "Man, that was the most violent book I ever read."

2007-10-10 18:30:20 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-10-10 18:14:59 · 4 answers · asked by anon 2

2007-10-10 18:09:55 · 4 answers · asked by Ron H. Appraiser 3

THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)....

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)...

Now, fast forward a few months...It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next, in came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth and be careful who you ask to set the table for you!

2007-10-10 17:53:10 · 11 answers · asked by Gina B 4

2007-10-10 17:06:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

am hear in Ireland and its 4.52 am I'm working a night shift in a nursing home and all is very quiet I think everyone here on yahoo has long gone to bed so I thought i'd log into yahoo Canada Just to say IRELAND says hello I guess i'm bored with no one to talk to so any comments would be great I could do with a laugh to

2007-10-10 16:59:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

2007-10-10 16:46:18 · 8 answers · asked by wna 3

2007-10-10 16:29:04 · 8 answers · asked by Heatherlikesleather 3

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will eat all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, Madam?"

"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"


Moral : Gather all required information before working on any project..

2007-10-10 16:21:57 · 17 answers · asked by wna 3

Only a person in West Virginia could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in West Virginia after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

2007-10-10 16:00:54 · 6 answers · asked by Arthurlikesbeer 6

GEORGE BUSH : : HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST : : EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY : : IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT : : I ' M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the! Grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

2007-10-10 15:48:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie--*poof*--you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm losing weight."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says,

"I think...."--*poof*--

2007-10-10 15:35:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

2007-10-10 15:21:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Enjoy:
In a Japanese house a baby was born. It had tiny eyes, nose, ears and mouth; so they named him Ingwingwong. Soon a second baby was born. It also had tiny ears, eyes, nose and mouth. They named him Chingwingwong. Then the third was born. It had BIG ears, eyes, nose and mouth. The parents thought for long and at last named him Somethingwrong.
**************************
Peter was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. 'Do you always carry such heavy luggage?' she sighed with a smile. "Thats enough" replied Peter. 'Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and chris can buy the ticket!'
***********************
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?' The father replied: 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine'

2007-10-10 15:15:58 · 12 answers · asked by **beep** 6

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

2007-10-10 15:15:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following advertisement in the Melbourne Age is reported to have
received numerous calls:

Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am
a very good-looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the bush, riding in your ute, hunting, camping, and
fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the
right way and watch me respond.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what
nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call xxxxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 5,000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA about an eight
week-old black Labrador Retriever puppy.

Men are so easy.

2007-10-10 15:00:22 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

2007-10-10 14:53:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

6. Exactly Like A Virgin

5. Sistine Candles

4. Take This Job And Read It

3. Gettin' Popey Wit It

2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical

2007-10-10 14:51:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I plead the 5th on this one..... It's too embarrassing for me to say. (lol)

2007-10-10 14:35:08 · 4 answers · asked by Nic Nac 3

Seven Letters.
I am more powerful than god.
I am more eviler than the devil.
If you eat me I will kill you.

And so forth, I'm not sure what ther rest is, though i'm pretty sure that's enough.

2007-10-10 14:30:34 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I stuck up for godmother and my Q was removed. Come on and give godmother a sign. That you lot (good YA people ) will her a good answer.

2007-10-10 13:48:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dog wants to go in a forest how far will it need to travel to get in the forest?

2007-10-10 13:44:29 · 4 answers · asked by Shnitzle 1