Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room & told me to get undressed & have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the beer is for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.....
"Damn it, Evelyn!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

2007-10-11 08:12:09 · 3 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Two polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure
if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need
is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball
red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says
'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the
shovel!"

2007-10-11 07:49:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple were driving home one night.

As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

The man replied, "I guess just hold its little nose!"

2007-10-11 06:11:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teaching of Math 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production ib 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching of Math 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production 4/5 of the price, or $80. what is his profit?

Teaching of Math 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching of Math 1990

A logger sells a truckloadof lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Underline the number 20.

Teaching of Math 2000

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habiitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. How did the animals feel when he cut down their homes (there are no wrong answers).

Teaching of Math 2010

Un ranchero vene carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccionera $80. Cuautos tortillas se puede comprar?

2007-10-11 05:19:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.



5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.




10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
18 Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

2007-10-11 05:17:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

do you think osama bin ladin is real,or is he a scheme thought up in the mind of some half wit politician.(please do not yell at me about 911-i am not an insensitive person)i just wonder if he is real then where is he?surely he isnt that clever.where else does he have to hide?

2007-10-11 05:11:54 · 5 answers · asked by berlytea 4

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like.

I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.

I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.

I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.

He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."

He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

2007-10-11 05:08:23 · 9 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and said to his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."




"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled

"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.




When he yelled "BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "BELL4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?




"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied
"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

2007-10-11 04:51:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 4 young
mothers & their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the 1st mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the 2nd Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the 3rd Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too

shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the 4th mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little

boy by the hand & whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving.'

note: I'm not the author of this joke, i just copy paste it.

2007-10-11 03:31:51 · 16 answers · asked by Tea Lover 3

1. HARD DISK GIRLS
she remembers everything, FOREVER.

2. RAM GIRLS
she forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

3. WINDOW GIRLS
everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

4. SCREENSAVER GIRLS
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun.

5. INTERNET GIRLS
She is cool but difficult to access sometimes.

6. SERVER GIRLS
Always busy when you need her.

7. MULTIMEDIA GIRLS
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

8. CD-ROM GIRLS
She is always faster and faster.

9. EMAIL GIRLS
Out of every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

10. VIRUS GIRLS
Also known as “???” .. when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don’t try to uninstall her you will lose everything…

2007-10-11 02:27:18 · 29 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.

All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.

She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."

One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.

(Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)

2007-10-11 02:10:42 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

2007-10-11 01:54:02 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

2007-10-11 01:37:03 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a classified ad:
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a classified ad:
"Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

2007-10-11 01:20:03 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of
>>>>>all Brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend
>>>>>cheerleading competition in Brisbane .
>>>>>
>>>>>The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the
>>>>>Blonde team rode on the top level.
>>>>>
>>>>>The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
>>>>>having a great time, when one of them realised she hasn't heard
>>>>>anything from the Blondes upstairs.
>>>>>
>>>>>She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
>>>>>reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
>>>>>fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front
>>>>>of
>>>>>
>>>>>them with white knuckles.
>>>>>
>>>>>The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here?
>>>>>We're having a great time downstairs!"
>>>>>
>>>>>One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and
>>>>>whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>DRIVER."

2007-10-11 01:13:16 · 11 answers · asked by abby 2

A lady got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the lady slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey.

2007-10-11 01:11:23 · 13 answers · asked by Sofiya 6

This guy walks into the bedroom holding a glass of water and two asprins and says "Here honey!"
The wife looks at him and says "What's that for?"
Husband: "For your headache!"
Wife: "But I dont have a headache!"
Husband: "GOTCHA!"

Two sharks are swimming in the North Sea. One says to the other "I am bloody sick of all this mackerel" the other replies, "Do you fancy nipping round to Morecombe Bay for a chinese?"

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
you come in one and go in the other.


A blonde walked into a computer shop one day and asked the shop assistant for a curtain to fit her 15 inch computer monitor. The assistant said, "Why do you want a curtain for your computer screen?"
To which the blonde replies, "I've got Windows".


Following the incident this week with Janet Jackson at the Superbowl, I did a search on the internet for 'Janet Jackson' + 'right t**', and all I got was a picture of her and Michael Jackson...

2007-10-11 00:55:19 · 19 answers · asked by puma 4

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

2007-10-11 00:39:37 · 15 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

• Yo momma's like a Happy Meal... short cheap and greazy.

• Yo momma's like a toilet... fat white and smells like s**t.

• Yo momma's so fat she irons her pants on the driveway.

• Yo momma's so fat she has other fat people orbit around her.

• Yo momma's so fat when she goes down the street people call "tax!"i.

• Yo momma's so fat that when she steps onto the scales it reads "to be continued"

Hope you had a laugh... would love some feed-back ☺

2007-10-11 00:34:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

This advert for Wilkinson sword is hilarious, let meknow what you think, its aimed at parents but anyone should find it funny!

http://www.ffk-wilkinson.com/

2007-10-11 00:32:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teenager asks his grandma, "have you seen my pills, they were labled L.S.D?" Nana replies "f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"


Just been to the gym and there's a new machine, only used it for an hour as i started o feel a bit sick!! Its good though - its got kitkats, mars bars, crisps... everything!!!


I went to the zoo the other day, the only animal there was a dog. It was a shitzu


A man in a brothel in Amsterdam asks for a lady with big thighs, saggy **** and a baggy fanny, the madam asks "feeling kinky?" the man replies "no just home sick"


fireman have rescued an irish man stuck to a condom machine, they asked what happened. He said "the sign says insert £2 and push knob in"...........


a man kills a dearans takes it home to cook for dinner but doesnt tell the kids what it is, he says he'll give them a clue "its what mum calls me sometimes" The little girl screams "dont eat it, its a f**king a**ehole!!!

2007-10-10 23:45:58 · 15 answers · asked by nat 3

Little boy playing with his train, His mum over hears him say "all you b**tards getting off, f**k off, all you b**stards getting on, f**king hurry up!"

Mum sends him to his bedroom and tells him to stay there for 2 hours and learn to be nice to passengers. When he plays in 2 hours time, mum hears him say "those disembarking have a nice day and mind the step, those boarding enjoy your journey and those upset at the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cow in the kitchen!!!

2007-10-10 23:14:01 · 6 answers · asked by nat 3

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

2007-10-10 22:54:45 · 18 answers · asked by ttt 3

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in the menstrual cycle. For example when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. And when she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in f**king petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his f**king eyes and a cricket stump jammed up his b**tard ***!!!

Sorry guy, its just how we feel!!!

2007-10-10 22:53:22 · 10 answers · asked by nat 3

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

2007-10-10 22:52:44 · 12 answers · asked by ttt 3

My girlfriend and I had been going out together for over a year and planned to get married. My girlfriend was an absolute dream and there was only one thing that bothered me, her younger sister.

She was 20 years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I got many a pleasant view. She never did it around anyone else.

She called me over one day shortly before the wedding to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She said that she had feelings for me that she couldn't overcome and wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister and committed my life to her.

I was in total shock and could not say a word: she said "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want me, come up and get me". I was absolutely stunned, I was frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs.

Continued below. (Wait for it)

2007-10-10 22:35:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend. They made passionate love to each other when after a while, the phone rings and she picks up the phone:
"Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful! I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Okay, bye now!"
She hangs up the phone and her lover asks:" Who was that"?
" Oh, " she replies "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you!!"

Star if you liked it, please!!

2007-10-10 22:28:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man ,his wife& his mother-in law were on vacation in the jolhyland. While they were there ,the mother-in-law passed away.The undertaker told them,"You can have her shipped home for £5000,or you can bury her here in the holy land for £200.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.The undertaker asked,"why would you spend £5000 to ship your mother-in-law home ,when it would be wonderful to be buried here and only spend £200?"
The man said,"its not that mate, a man died here 2000 years ago,he was buried here and then three days later he rose from the dead!. Sorry mate Ijust cant take that chance."

2007-10-10 21:52:03 · 12 answers · asked by richy 3

Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A. At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A. No phone numbers.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

HaHa OUCH....

2007-10-10 21:19:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Charlie was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a shelf while she was waiting for John, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When John was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?

John replied, "That's silver and it costs $300.

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and John went to the back room to find it.

From the back room John yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

2007-10-10 20:39:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous