Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

blonde is looking for extra cash so she goes round knocking doors asking if they needed any jobs doing, she is about to give up when a man says that he needs his porch painting, so he gives her the paint and sends her on her way. About twenty minutes later she goes and knocks on his door tells him shes finished and that she's done two coats, so he pays her and as she is walking up the path she turns around and says 'by the way its not a porche its a ferrari'

2007-10-12 01:24:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1,2,6

2007-10-12 00:49:59 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-12 00:32:11 · 4 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

:D:D! again and again!

can you draw a triangle with 2 lines?!

answer it!
Give this question a star! :D!

2007-10-12 00:22:14 · 6 answers · asked by ameti 2

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

2007-10-11 23:58:58 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

What would have happened if this was true ???????????

http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/funny/juiced.php

2007-10-11 23:00:59 · 10 answers · asked by Raj 4

and i have sinned with fannie green every week for the last month."the priest tell the sinner ,"you are forfiven.go out and say three hail mary's".Soon after another man enters and says father its been 2 month since my last confession.I have sinned with fannie green twice a week for the last 2 months.This time the priest asks "who is fannie green?"
"a new woman in the neighbourhood" the sinner replies."very well"says the priest "go and say 10 hail mary. the next day the priest is prepairing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous tall woman enters the church.all the mans eyes fall up on her as she sashays up the ailse and sits down at the alter.her dress is green and very short with matching shiny green shoes.the priest is agasp as her legs are spread sharon stone style. the priest turns to the alter boyand quietly asks,"is that fannie green?"the alter boy replies " no father i think its just the reflection off her shoes......."

2007-10-11 22:48:33 · 19 answers · asked by richy 3

his wife lays half asleep, and he says "This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache" the wife looks up and retorts"Thats a SHEEP under your arm!".....He replies "I wasn't talking to you"

2007-10-11 22:30:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four U.S presidents are caught in a tornado and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to "Emerald City" and come before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you here before the Great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage". To which the Wizard replies:"No problem. Who's next?" Ronald Reagan steps forward:" I think I need a heart."
"Done", says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George W. Bush:"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain". "Sure, consider it done", replies the Wizard.
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around without saying a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks:"What do you want?"
With a grin in his face, Bill Clinton responds;" Uhh...is Dorothy here?"

Please, star if you liked it! Thanks!

2007-10-11 22:25:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

-- Babe Ruth



An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

-- Ernest Hemingway



When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

-- Paul Hornung



24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

-- H.L. Mencken



When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

-- George Bernard Shaw



Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

-- Benjamin Franklin



Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

-- Dave Barry



Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.

-- W.C. Fields



Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

-- Professor Irwin Corey




To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!

-- Leo Durocher



One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

"This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

"That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

2007-10-11 22:20:26 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

* * *

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator : Woven? Are you sure? Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.

Operator : Where are you calling from?

Caller : The living room

* * *

Caller : The water board please.

Operator : Which department?

Caller : Tap water.

* * *

Operator : How are you spelling that?

Caller : With letters.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.

Operator : Do you have his name?

Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.

* * *

Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.

Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

* * *

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

2007-10-11 22:09:53 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

2007-10-11 21:57:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

After their 11th child, a couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

2007-10-11 21:52:15 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

The ______ make the decision in parlament
While the ________ rules with prided
the oldest _______ is still in school
while 52 _______ made a pack

2007-10-11 21:45:37 · 1 answers · asked by jobees 6

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

2007-10-11 21:44:44 · 10 answers · asked by ttt 3

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

2007-10-11 21:44:16 · 14 answers · asked by jake5282 2

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

2007-10-11 21:43:38 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

An old guy's car collides with a young guy's car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man is crazy.

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren't you having any?" asks the young guy.

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I'll wait for the police."

2007-10-11 21:21:54 · 8 answers · asked by hotbodfun 2

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.” I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me.” Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

2007-10-11 21:16:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde Interview


The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked,
"If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."




Blonde Hunting


A blonde went hunting with her boyfriend and his buddy. They agreed that while they went separate ways, anyone who got lost would shoot three times into the air to get someone to come.
The blonde got lost, naturally.

She shot three times into the air.

Nobody came.

She tried again.

Still nobody came.

She said to herself, "Wow, I hope somebody comes soon. I'm almost out of arrows!"

2007-10-11 21:11:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fatherly Advice


A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

2007-10-11 21:09:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.
The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted:

"... Ready ... Aim... !!

and suddenly the brunette yelled,

"EARTHQUAKE!"

Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests.

She said no, and the executioner shouted:

"... Ready ... Aim ...!!

and suddenly the redhead yelled

"TORNADO!"

Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out.

They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted:

"... Ready ... Aim ... !!

and the blonde yelled,

"FIRE!"

2007-10-11 21:06:24 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde Exam
The Blonde reported for her University final examination, which consisted of "yes/no" type questions.

She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, mumbling and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But, I am rechecking my answers."

2007-10-11 20:58:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained,

"I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

2007-10-11 20:55:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHOS THERE

Three people were trying to get into heaven.
Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.

Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in.

Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's there?"

"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.

"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."



Good News - Bad News

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

"I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

2007-10-11 20:50:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's some wacky definitions.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

2007-10-11 20:46:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Top Ten Signs You're in for a Long Sermon
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only November!

2007-10-11 20:40:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?

Boss: So you want a day off. New Year's eve, huh? Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

2007-10-11 20:31:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

2007-10-11 19:57:22 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

2007-10-11 19:39:06 · 10 answers · asked by hotbodfun 2