Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!'

2007-10-12 09:54:22 · 12 answers · asked by Blue to the Bone 4

While she was “flying” down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?” To which she replied, “I’m late for work.” “Oh Yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?” “I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?” “Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

2007-10-12 09:51:34 · 6 answers · asked by kiwi_8700 2

Denise tells her best friend, "I've broken off my engagement to Billy."

"Oh Denise," asks her friend, "I'm very sad at that. "Why?"

"Well, my feelings towards Billy have changed - they just aren't the same anymore," replies Denise.

"So tell me," whispers the friend, "are you giving him back the engagement ring?"

"Naw," replies Denise, "my feelings for the ring haven't changed."

2007-10-12 09:49:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is out shopping and sees some Olympic condoms. He buys a pack and tells his wife about them when he reached home.

“Olympic condoms?” she asks, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colours” he replies, “Gold, Silver, and Bronze.”

“So what colour are you going to wear tonight?” she asks.

“Gold of course” says the man proudly.

"Oh...why don’t you wear the Silver instead?" says the wife. "It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

2007-10-12 09:36:04 · 30 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place 'for a coffee'.

They get to her flat and she tells him to get himself a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see through negligee. "I am your sex slave" she says "I will do ANYTHING you want".

The man can't believe his luck "Hmmm" he says grinning from ear to ear, "I really fancy a 69" "no way" replies the girl "I'm not cooking at this time of the night"

2007-10-12 09:20:42 · 10 answers · asked by puma 4

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. "She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

2007-10-12 09:20:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-12 09:15:34 · 11 answers · asked by Maliha S 1

2007-10-12 09:05:18 · 7 answers · asked by Jon 2

help me please like names to call him or....anything really...hes just to quick at comebacks and he gets me every time!!!!

2007-10-12 09:04:28 · 4 answers · asked by Flying Monk 1

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell

her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes

walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into

boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

2007-10-12 08:53:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a
dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look.
That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the
cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment,
looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat,
then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?'

2007-10-12 07:54:08 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

CLINTON VIRUS-Gives you a 7" hard drive with NO memory

VIAGRA VIRUS-Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

LEWINSKY VIRUS-Sucks all the memory out of your computer,then emails everyone about what it did

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS-Saves your data,but forgets where it is stored

MIKE TYPSON VIRUS-Quits after 2 bytes

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS-Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB,then slowly expands to 200 MB

DR.JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS-Deletes all old files

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS-Disks can no longer be inserted

TITANIC VIRUS-(A strain of the Lewinsky virus)Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on")

DISNEY VIRUS-Everything in your computer goes Goofy

PROZAC VIRUS-Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS-Only attacks minor files

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS-Terminates some files,leaves,but IT WILL BE BACKKKKK

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS-Reformats your harddrive into a 3.5" floppy,then discards it through Windows

2007-10-12 07:48:51 · 2 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.



Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
I know they´re silly but read them out loud if you don´t understand them!

2007-10-12 07:31:46 · 11 answers · asked by Bracefacecutie 3

Alabama
• A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms.
• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.
• Incestuous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached

2007-10-12 07:17:00 · 9 answers · asked by Bracefacecutie 3

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

2007-10-12 05:57:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle : "ME."

2007-10-12 05:52:47 · 17 answers · asked by zmdk_zmdk 2

Jack what r u doing?!?! (jane)sorry jane(jack)...hey it's raining jane!!(jack)BOO!!(wayne) aaggrrhh!!!(jack&Jane)Wayne is here!!!(wayne)wayne.... wayne wayne go away come again another day.jack & Jane wanna play so wayne wayne go away!!!(jack jane)

2007-10-12 05:35:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I made myself a snowball,
As perfect as could be,
I thought I'd keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas,
And a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
But first.....it wet the bed.

2007-10-12 05:35:05 · 10 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for Athena the wonder dog at Wal Mart and was about to
check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I
told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably
shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way that it works is to load your pants
pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in
the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care
because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I
stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and
a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART has asked me NOT to shop there anymore;
really can't understand why!!!!!!

2007-10-12 05:24:19 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

I recently heard this on a radio show, thought it might be of help to others with a similar problem. har..har..har

A married couple with a long history of fighting throughout the years began the day as usual with a morning fight. In this particular marriage the Mrs. was always the first to set things off. The husband, not being one who enjoyed the challenge of a fight as much as the Mrs, decided to ignor the fight as usual. With the Mrs. in a rage due to her husbands continued lack of interest in fighting, she asked him how he kept his cool over the many years. Reluctantly he decided to divulge his secret. He told his argumentative wife that he began an "anger management" program several years ago and that is how he remained in control. Of course the Mrs. had to ask how the system worked. He then explained that when ever she chose to fight, that is when he headed for the bathroom to scrub the toilet with her tooth brush.

2007-10-12 05:20:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-10-12 05:08:03 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, ''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt. ''Yep,'' he said,'' just what I thought, just about the same size.''
The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, ''How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?''
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. ''What's the matter?'' he asked.
She replied, ''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big *** grill for one little weenie, do you?''

2007-10-12 04:58:12 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

2007-10-12 02:56:56 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

OK folks
I want to tease you all a little you may need a almanac, thesaurus, and be very knowledgeable..the answer has these characterics, superlatives and ect...
the hints are as follows
Hint #1
A=12, C=5, D=5, E=3, F=1, G=1, H=3, I=8, J=1, K=4, L=4, M=9, N=11, O=5, P=1,R=3, S=4, T=6, U=1, V=3, W=4, X=1, Y=2, Z=1 these are in no particular order and in harmony
there are other alpha letters associated with it G=1, V=1, I=1, P=1, R=1 D=1, C=1,

Hint #2
these numbers are significent to its being 7476, 231, 50,13, (27 but can be added to, but most only are aware of 10), 100, 3, 300,000,000 ++ (last guess of its)
Hint #3
It makes the most, it uses to most, it provides the most, it is least in, It is the strongest, It has been where no others have been, Its generous, It takes alot to make it angry, It has only one head, 3 colors are important to it, Millions wish they were in it, lots have died for it
Hint #4
Its 3 in size, it has been lead by 43 of these

Good luck

2007-10-12 02:55:22 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 75 yr old man walked into a church and went straight to
the confessional booth.
As soon as the preist drew back the curtain the old man saids

"I'm 75 years old. I'm married and I have just been unfaithful with a 19 year old virgin"

The priest replied, " that's terrible, terrible.....I want you to say 7 Hail Mary's and 7 Lord's Prayers to atone for your sins!".

"But I'm not catholic, I'm Jewish", said the old man.

"So why are you telling me?" asked the priest.


"I'm 75 YEARS OLD!! I'M TELLING EVERYONE!"
said the old man.

2007-10-12 02:18:18 · 25 answers · asked by Vinni and beer 7

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored
and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"

2007-10-12 02:02:32 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know this has been posted before!!!
I just thought it was neat.


How smart is your right foot?

Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon......
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over
and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's
pre-programmed in your brain!


1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are
GOOFY) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your
omputer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air
with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.!!!
I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is
done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.


Have fun with it!
Peace.

2007-10-12 02:01:30 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

2007-10-12 02:01:10 · 27 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!

2007-10-12 01:56:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, $165,000! and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.

Where did you get this money? The old lady replied, "I make bets". The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

Next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

2007-10-12 01:50:45 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6