Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Okay, Okay, it finally all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:


MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

GUY nocologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS terectomy

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?

2007-10-13 13:07:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A white salesman from New York, was on a business trip through some of the states in the deep south. After checking in to a hotel, he went to the cocktail lounge for a couple of drinks.

He had not been seated for more than a few minutes, when a southern gentleman at the bar stood up and announced, "My name is Brown, B-R-O-W-N, and I am a white man from the top of my head to the tip of my toes", and then sit back down.

Every ten minutes or so, he would stand and make the same announcment to the other patrons, "My name is Brown, B-R-O-W-N, and I am a white man from the top of my head to the tip of my toes".

It had been a long and tiring trip for the salesman, and all he wanted was a little peace and quiet.

After hearing the loud mouth's repeated words for some time, the salesman stood up and made his own announcment.

His was, "My name is Smith, S-M-I-T-H, and I am a white man from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, all except for my @sshole which is brown, B-R-O-W-N".

2007-10-13 13:03:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.

2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.

3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

5. What is a man's idea of forplay?
A half hour of begging.

6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He is breathing.

7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

8. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

9. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

10. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares.

11. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Don't know. It never has been done before.

12. How are men and parking places alike?
The good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped.

13. What is a man's idea of helping with housework?
Lifting his legs, so you can vacuum.

14. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. phones home.

15. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hotdog and a six pack of beer.

16. Do you know why there is a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

2007-10-13 12:59:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is a student's seven-course dinner?
A six pack of Red Bull and a slice of pizza.

What is ;an American seven-course dinner?
A six pack of Bud Lite and a big Mac.

What is a Scottish seven-course dinner?
Six crumbs of stale bread and a case of whisky.

What is a Chinese seven-course dinner?
Six bowls of rice and a cooked rat.

What is a Japanese seven-course dinner?
A bowl of rice and six raw fish.

What is a Russian seven-course dinner?
A litre of vodka and six turnips.

What is a Mexican seven-course dinner?
A bottle of Tequila and six cockroaches.

What is an Eskimo seven-course dinner?
Six lumps of snow and a baby seal.

What is an Argentine seven-course dinner?
Six cuts of beer and a sprig of parsley.

What is an English seven-course dinner?
Three pints of lager, two packs of crisps, a bag of chips and a donor kebab.

What is an Irish seven-course dinner?
A four-pack of Guinness and a potato.

What is a German seven-course dinner?
Six different beers and a kilo of raw sausage

2007-10-13 12:21:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

2007-10-13 12:13:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

to buy a paper.Before leaving he says to the newsagent,""I hope you don't mind me asking,but how old do you think I am?"About 35,"is the reply."I'm actually 47."the man says,feeling really happy.Next he goes into the fish&chips shop and again,before leaving he asks thr samr question,to which the reply is,"Oh,you look about 29".This makes the man feel very good.While standing at a bus stop he asks a old lady the same question.She replies,"I,m 85 years old and my eyesight is going,but when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.If I put my hand down your pants and play with your wedding tackle for 10min I will be able to tell your exact age".The man thinks "What the hell"and lets her slips her hand down his pants.10 minutes alter the old lady announces,"You're 47years old."Stunned,the man says,"That was brilliant,how did you do that?"The old lady replies,"I was behind you in the chip shop."
Star if you like and behold guys what you say!!!!!!!

2007-10-13 12:01:42 · 13 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

we wouldn't need women anymore.

2007-10-13 11:51:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

2007-10-13 11:39:54 · 12 answers · asked by the mrs:) 4

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

2007-10-13 11:25:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter

2007-10-13 10:36:10 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

2007-10-13 10:01:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

2007-10-13 09:55:46 · 28 answers · asked by Jessy 3

Don't get offended by this joke, its only a joke hehe. Hitler walks into a bar and goes to a man. The man goes " arent you dead?" Hitler goes " I've came back to kill 6,000 jews, and a clown." The man goes " why a clown?" Hilter goes " See, no-one cares about those damn jews!"

2007-10-13 09:44:05 · 9 answers · asked by Crystal :) 2

A brunette guy and a blonde girl walk into an elevator. The blonde says "T.G.I.F." and so the guy says "S.H.I.T.". So the blonde says again "T.G.I.F." and the guys still says "S.H.I.T.". One more time, the blonde says "T.G.I.F." and the guys says "S.H.I.T.". So now the blonde says "T.G.I.F. means "Thank god it's Friday"'. And the guy says "S.H.I.T. means "Sorry honey it's Thursday"!"

2007-10-13 09:33:15 · 29 answers · asked by hoppinhippos79 2

Three contractors . . . One from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.


The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."



The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."


The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"


"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"

Guess who got the contract.... ......... ...........!!

2007-10-13 07:32:40 · 9 answers · asked by wna 3

2007-10-13 07:22:28 · 9 answers · asked by trydent 2

Two priests die and go to Heaven. Unfortunately a backlog of work means that Saint Peter can't let them in straight away. Rather than have them hanging around in limbo, Saint Peter tells them that they can return to earth for one week in any form they wish. They can be what they like and do what they like. The First Priest says 'I always wanted to be an eagle soaring about the clouds.' The second Priest says 'Well if I can do anything, I'd like to be a stud.' Saint Peter grants them their wishes and off they go. A week later God asks Peter if Heaven is ready to receive the Priests. 'Yes.' says Peter, 'I've sent off angels to bring them back now.' 'Won't they be difficult to find' asks God. Saint Peter replies ' The eagle is flying around the Rockies.' 'And what about the stud' asks God. Saint Peter replies ' Oh, he's on a tyre in Alaska.'

2007-10-13 07:21:12 · 6 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

2007-10-13 06:54:42 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-10-13 06:52:40 · 16 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Do you have any funny jokes? Please? I am feeling a little blah, I would love to have a good laugh as I always do when I come here!!! :)

2007-10-13 06:41:40 · 22 answers · asked by ♂♥♀ & ♀♥♂ ∞! Love Oh Love ! ♫♥♪ 5

2007-10-13 06:31:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

To prepare for his big date, a young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade".

He was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

2007-10-13 05:49:41 · 32 answers · asked by tastybits 7

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

6. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.

7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

9. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

10. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

11. At communion you go back for seconds.

12. You wash your toilet paper.

13. You have to save up to be poor.

14. You're in college.

15. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

16. You owe yourself money.

17. You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

18. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

2007-10-13 05:28:52 · 24 answers · asked by tastybits 7

A man is stranded alone on an island with no food or water. He has visions of his life whizzing by, but he does not fear for his life. Why not?

2007-10-13 05:28:52 · 13 answers · asked by brandon373 1

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde,?"
"No darling, it's because your 25.

2007-10-13 05:18:18 · 25 answers · asked by KT 2

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

7. Touch him.

8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

10. Refer to him by his first name.

11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

12. When he says no, cry.

13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.

17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"

18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

23. Trip and fall into him.

24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

26. Chew on the pen, nervously.

27. Clean your ear with the pen.

28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

31. Act like you are retarded.

32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

33. Mumble to yourself.

34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

38. Ask if he watches Cops.

39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

40. Giggle if he did.

41. Talk to your hand.

42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

46. Try to sell him your car.

47. Ask if you can buy his car.

48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

49. Play with the siren.

50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner

52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.

53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

57. Turn your head and whistle.

58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

62. Tell him you like men in uniform.

63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

2007-10-13 05:03:11 · 32 answers · asked by tastybits 7

*

2007-10-13 04:43:55 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok im guessing one of these pictures pick one and type it in.. if you picked the one i'm thinking of you'll get 10 points.

GO!


*
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<3
&
@
~
$

which one?

2007-10-13 04:40:53 · 9 answers · asked by ~*MandieLee*~ 1

here's the oxymoron: Superior, Wisconsin

2007-10-13 04:30:42 · 10 answers · asked by Rachel K 4

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

2007-10-13 04:16:48 · 22 answers · asked by SociallyAwkwardPenguin 5