Feeling a little blaah...?

Question

Do you have any funny jokes? Please? I am feeling a little blah, I would love to have a good laugh as I always do when I come here!!! :)

Someone e mailed me one, is this funny? I didn't think it was, I don't know.
It goes like this...
Do you want to hear a dirty and heavy joke?
An elephant fell in the mud!!!
I didn't think it was funny though. Can you make me laugh?!?

COme on guys, give me some stars? I give stars to everyone!!! BE GENEROUS?!?

Answer 1

A young boy had just received his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an Anglican minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said 'I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.' Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, 'Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut.'
The young man paused a moment, and then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'





A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the middle
of
the night saying 'Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water
bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!' The doctor came over and told the
father 'Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!' The father
obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out:
'Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!'
The doctor again told the father, 'Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp
higher nuh man!'. The father again complied, and to be sure, another cry
was heard. The father excitedly proclaimed: 'A wan twin!! Mi get twin
baby! Me doubly bless! Glory to Gad!' The doctor
instructed, 'Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!' Sure
enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous
tone, muttered, 'Oh Tank Jesus.' The doctor repeated, 'Hold up di
lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!', and a short while yet a
FOURTH
cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought. The
doctor for a fifth time commanded 'Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di
lamp higher nuh!' The father then asked; 'Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light
a attrac dem?'






Ways to maintain your insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation

9.. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The AT M, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Toward The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

Answer 2

what's brown and sticky?

A stick.

There's a plane going down and all the people are grabbing parachutes and jumping. There's three people left. President Bush, Hillary Clinton, and a little girl. There's only two parachutes left. Hillary grabs a parachute and says, I'm a Rhodes scholar, and quite possibly the smartest woman in the world. I also have the chance to be the first woman President, I have to live! She jumps. Pres. Bush looks at the little girl and says, I've lived a long and fruitful life. I have seen and done many things in my life. You are young, you go ahead and take the last parachute. The little girl looks at the President and says, It's ok Mr. President, the smartest woman in the world just took my backpack!

Answer 3

It's 1994 and the beginning of baseball season. The plate umpire is dusting off a corner of an otherwise perfect-looking home plate. The current President, Bill Clinton, is with wife Hilary in a prime box seat right next to the field. The crowd is buzzing and the TV networks are rolling tape anticipating the first game of the season about to start.

Suddenly, Bill Clinton stands up and tosses Hilary over the protective wall - all the way out to the pitcher's mound! She bounces awkwardly just behind the rubber, legs and arms flopping, grass stains and dirt all over her, her body rolling like a log until she comes to a not-so-pretty stop between first and second base.

The place goes awkwardly quiet, and cameras point and click, as the ump runs out to dust off and assist Mrs. Clinton back towards a gate in front of her box seat while the other umps and groundsmen scurry to fix the field.

The head umpire assists a disheveled and limping Hilary back to her seat. Upon arrival he turned and asked, "Mr. President, sir? Can I have a small word with you?" He motions to walk with him.

Bill Clinton and the ump stroll slowly towards home, and the Commander In Chief replies, "What seems to be wrong, Mr. Umpire?"

The ump says, "I don't think you heard me correctly, Mr. President. You were supposed to throw out the First PITCH."

Answer 4

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "But, I'm a fungi!"

Here's another one. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree? See how good they hide?

And yet, another:
A blind man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He then asks if anyone want to hear a blonde joke. The bartender warns him, "Mister, I don't think it is wise to tell a blonde joke in here. I'm a blonde, the 6 foot, 180 lb bouncer behind you is a blonde, the female weightlifting champion in the corner is a blonde, the blonde next to you is currently taking an anger managment class, and the lady sweeping the floor is a blonde. Knowing what I just told you, do you still want to tell your blonde joke?" The blind man thinks for a moment before answering, "Nope, I don't want to have to repeat the joke 5 times!"

Another:
A blonde woman was driving down the road when she saw another blonde woman sitting in the middle of a field with a fishing pole. She slammed her foot on the brake causing her car to come to a screeching halt. She got out of her car and yelled to the other blonde, "What the heck are you doing?"
The other blonde yelled back, "I'm fishing!" The first blond became angered and yelled back, "You idiot! There aren't any fish out here! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name. If I had a boat and some paddles, I'd row out there and kick your butt!"

Answer 5

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

Jerry Seinfeld

At the end of my letters I like to write "PS: This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

Mitch Hedberg

lol...im just bored

Answer 6

Q.)How can you tell that Arnold Schwarzenegger still enjoys groping woman?
A.)He kisses babies while they're breast feeding.

Q.)How do you know when a terrorist is depressed?
A.)He doesn't feel like killing himself.

Q.) Why did the condom fly across the room?
A.)Because it was pissed off!

Q.)Why did the blonde woman's belly button hurt?
A.)Because her blonde boyfriend wasn't that smart either.


A man walking down the street stopped and asked a woman "You look like Helen Brown", she replied "You look like s h i t in black".

A woman stood in front of her mirror, naked. She said to her husband, "I'm fat, wrinkled and ugly". It's so depressing. Please say something to make me feel better He replied, "Your eyesight is perfect".

Answer 7

Two hunters are in the forest. Suddenly one of them gasps, turns blue and falls to the ground. Panicking, the other dials 911 on his phone.
"Help! I think my friend has just died, what should I do?"
"Calm down" says the voice at the other end. "First make sure your friend is really dead."
The operator hears a short silence, followed by the sound of a gunshot.
"Okay, now what?"

Answer 8

Here's one:

- Why did everyone love the Mushroom?
Because he was a Fungi.
(Fun Guy for anyone who doesn't get it)

Here's another one, i forgot how it went a little bit but you get the idea.

There was a old woman and she was at her husbands funeral and she says, "me and my husband used to do it to church bells"
"In on the ding and out on the dong"
And then she said,
"He would still of been alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't of came along."

Answer 9

theres 3 forin guys taking an english course, theres a russian, a chinease guy and an indian. the teacher says, " allright class, i want each of u to make up a sentence of wut u do each morning wen u wake up, using the colours green, pink, and yellow."
the russian goes first, he says" i wake up and see my yellow pillow, my green sheets and pink blankets." verry good say the teacher.
next is the chinease guy. he says" in the morning wen i wake up, i look out my window and see the yellow sun, the green gras and the pink flowers." "very good says the teacher'.
last is the indian. he says" i wake up in da morning and i hear the phone ring'green, green', i pink up the phone and say 'yellow!'

Answer 10

ok...so a girl was on a field trip for church school, and they were on the bus. The boy behind her was poking her with a pen. Her teacher asks her "who made the earth" and she screams "god almighty!" in pain. Then her teacher asks her "who is his son" and in pain she sreams "jesus crist!" Then her teacher says "what did eve say to adam after having 32 kids?" and she screams "if you stick that thing in me one more time im gonna break it in half"
get it?