Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

His wife kissed his balls so his putter would stand out.

2007-10-14 07:37:57 · 1 answers · asked by strange-artist 7

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle with a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish"

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie was taken aback. "I can't do that; think about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steel and concrete that would be needed. I'm sorry, you will have to choose another wish."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "I would like to be able to understand women."

The genie stared at him for a while, and said. "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

2007-10-14 07:26:15 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok jimmys mom had 3 kids.They were nickle,dime,quarter what was the other childe's name.I got this joke from my grand ma it's kind easy

2007-10-14 06:26:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

2007-10-14 05:38:46 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, ....."Why don’t you have a vase?"

2007-10-14 05:21:41 · 12 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

The first letter from each word in the movie's title is given. Each movie has a number in its title. Can you figure them out? For example, #1 is Three Men And A Baby.
1. T.M.A.A.B.
2. I.T.T.
3. T.D.
4. S.D.A.S.N.
5. F.W.A.A.F.
6. S.C.
7. B.Z.
8. S.W.A.T.S.D.
9. F.F.D.
10. H.Y.I.
11. T.T.O.S.O
12. C.B.T.D.
13. F.N.E.
14. C.F.F.W.A.Y.
15. T.E.D.

2007-10-14 05:02:45 · 12 answers · asked by gordja09 1

The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you £50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette £50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

2007-10-14 04:54:41 · 16 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

O.o u ppl and ur negative minds.

http://s40.photobucket.com/albums/e210/kapson/1206/04/?action=view¤t=Thisguyisamazing_2.flv

this guy is amazing...

2007-10-14 04:39:12 · 8 answers · asked by crazy_juice_mmm_yum 2

Would you rather be shot by a gun the size of a christmas tree, ravaged by a rabid bear, or be tied to two different cars(one car by your hands and the other by your feet) that are traveling the opposite direction full throttle?

2007-10-14 04:08:59 · 7 answers · asked by im_always_drunk 2

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

2007-10-14 03:36:55 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A masked man walked into a sperm bank, pulled out a gun, and told the secretary that this was a stick up and to open the safe.

The secretary replied, "You idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money here!!"

The masked man insisted that if she did not open the safe he would shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opened the safe and stood back. There in the open safe were two vials of sperm.

The robber pointed his gun at the two vials and ordered the secretary to drink them both or he would blow her head off.

When she had finished drinking the second vial the robber took off his mask. There stood her husband with a grin on his face!!

"See Doris", he said. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"

2007-10-14 03:33:53 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

one attacks the cows brain and sends it f*cking mental and i'm told the other one is some sort of agricultural problem

2007-10-14 03:23:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

2007-10-14 03:20:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Knock knock
Who's there?

Arthur

Arthur who?

Arthur any better jokes on yahoo answers.

2007-10-14 02:29:38 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

frosted flakes!!

no offence to any blonde intended!!

2007-10-14 02:20:02 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

dont know, its never been done!!!

add your own!!!!

2007-10-14 02:18:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him,
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out,

"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:

"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

2007-10-14 02:02:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

what did flintoff tell yuvraj singh before yuvraj hit chris broad for 6 sixes ??
ans :- chloromint kiyu khata ??
then yuvraj hit 6 sixes and told flintoff dobara mat poochna ....
lolz lolz lolz .... star if u like this joke pls ...
thanx in advance ...

2007-10-14 00:53:50 · 23 answers · asked by amazed !!! 4

1.What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
2.You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?
3.What goes up and down the stairs without moving?
4.What can you catch but not throw?
5.I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I?
6.What goes around the world but stays in a corner?

2007-10-14 00:34:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

three 17 yr old girls-a blonde,a brunette and a redhead-are drinking in a bar.suddenly a cop walks in and the three run outside.he notices and follows them int an alley where there are three garbage bags but no sign of the girls.the police officerwalks over to the 1st garbage bag and gives it a small kick.
the brunette,hiding inside says,'meow'.
the officer says,'oh,its just a bunch of cats'.
he then kicks the 2nd bag where the redhead is hiding
she says,'woof woof'.
the officer says,'oh,its only a bunch of dogs'.
finally he kicks the last bag where the blonde is hiding.
she says,'potatoes,potatoes'.

2007-10-14 00:10:04 · 13 answers · asked by william jacob(23/12/06)i love u 5

How did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?





Burger King showed her it's Whopper.

2007-10-13 22:50:05 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!

2007-10-13 22:48:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-13 16:49:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fidel Castro, George Bush and The Prime Minister of Japan where traveling on a boat driven by a black man.

All the sudden the driver swerves to the right and completly wets Bush's Nike shoes, so he takes them off and throws'em to the water. So Fidel and the japanese guy say ''WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!'' and Bush goes like... ''Don't worry, there's plenty of Nike shoes in my country!''

After 10 minutes, the driver suddenly swerves to the left and wets the Japanese's Casio watch, so he throws it into the sea. Bush and Castro desperately ask him: ''WHY DID YOU DO THAT!'', and he said '' Don't worry, in my country there's plenty of those''

After an hour, the driver swerves again, this time he completely wets Fidel Castro. So Castro grabs the black man, throws into the sea and tells them '' Don't worry, in my country there's plenty!''

(that was not a racist joke, by the way)

George Bush was walking along the street and all the suden he saw a little kid eating grass. So he asked him, ‘’why are you eating grass’’? – ‘’Because my family is so poor that cannot afford more than one meal a day’’. So Bush thought to himself that that couldn’t happen and said ‘’well you know, you’re gonna stop eating here and you’re gonna come with me, you’re gonna eat at the presidential house!’’. The boy couldn’t believe his ears and didn’t hesitate in asking him if his brother could go too, Bush said ‘’Of course, bring your daddy and your mommy too!’’ Then the kid asked if his cousins could go too. Bush said that of course! Then the kid asked if his neighbors could go too, and Bush answered ‘’YOU KNOW WHAT, bring your whole block! Because the gardener has been sick the last week and there is plenty of grass!!!’’

2007-10-13 16:31:11 · 16 answers · asked by Top Contributor 3

Setting the Table

A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Johnny's job to set the table.

But when it came time to eat, Johnny's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"

"I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened as Johnny explained,

"I heard Daddy say she eats like a horse."



Three Psychiatrists

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

2007-10-13 14:48:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Smart as a Brick

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied simply, "One."



Speed Trap

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the policeman, "or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back!"

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said keep quiet! Now you're going to jail!"

2007-10-13 14:44:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little baby was just born....he had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like mad. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing in front of the worried parents but he just kept on laughing and laughing and laughing - one of his tiny fists closed tightly and tears rolling from his eyes.

One at a time, a paediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and.....guess what he found???........


















The birth control pill!! :)

2007-10-13 14:07:57 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Crackerjack went fishing one very hot day and desperately wanted to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of col swimming, he was getting out of the water, when he noticed two old ladies walking near the waters edge, in his direction. Jack panicked and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds."

"Impossible," said embarrassed Jack. "You really know what I think?"

"Yes," the lady replied. "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

2007-10-13 14:01:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, boozing, golfing, fishing and playing cards with my mates whenever I want!!" Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replies, "No, that's find with me. But, just understand that there'll be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not!"

2007-10-13 13:49:40 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was driving down an old country road when she spotted a blonde rowing a boat in a in a wheat field. She pulled over to the side of the road and stopped the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious.

She yells at the blonde in the field. "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "If I could swim I would come out there and kick your fanny."

2007-10-13 13:12:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous