Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Guy in a bar says, hey bartender if I can show you something amazing will you cover my tab tonight.
Bartender: sure (thinking he's seen it all)
Guy opens a box that has man in a tuxedo not much bigger then a barbie doll. And a tiny grand piano. The tiny man starts playing wonderful music on the piano.
Bartender: holy crap, your tab is covered, where did you get that?
Guy: I have this magic orb it will grant anyone one wish.
Bartender: I will cover your tabs for a month if I can use that.
So the bartender grabs the orb & says "I wish for a million bucks"
Giant flash of light & smoke, then bar is filled w/ducks everywhere you look, on the bar, the pool tables, the ceiling fans, everywhere.
Bartender: What the @^$%^? I asked for a million bucks, not ducks, this is messed up.
Guy looks at him & says..........







Do you really think I asked for a 10" pianist?

star if you like, & I know it isnt new, but it's still funny.

2007-10-15 11:51:23 · 13 answers · asked by Will S 6

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

2007-10-15 11:33:50 · 11 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

When a girl is in a house all by herself in a horror movie, it is always raining or thunder and lightning outside.

In all junior highs, the popular girls have big boobs, while the geeky girls are flat-chested.

In movies when a character is brushing his/her teeth, they never get toothpaste on their mouth or rinse out their toothbrush when through cleaning their teeth.

Anybody eating chinese food always eats it out of the box with chopsticks.


If you try to get your ex partner back by going out with someone else in order to make your ex jealous, you will succeed but by the time you have achieved what you set out to do you will have fallen for the other person.

A good guy will never, ever, shoot a bad guy in the kneecap, even if it would be incredibly helpful to him.

In any musical, no matter how tough the gang and/or bad guy, they/he can always belt out a heartfelt melody in a deep and lilting baritone voice.

A woman´s shoes always make high heel clacking sounds, regardless which shoe type she wears. She can even wear sneakers...

Whenever at a bar or dance with loud music cranked up on high, the couple the audience sees talking have perfectly audible voices and can talk as though there is no music.

In most 80's action flicks bussiness men and security guards look like Huey Lewis or Bruce Springsteen.

The villain will always have thousands of henchmen working for him or a small army that follows him.

There is always a full moon when people goto bed. When the lights are turned off, a delayed light turns on, causing a blue cast in the room in which they could read by.

If you are going to be killed it has to be at a time when you are alone and it has to be at night and raining.

If you see something, then turn away, it wont be there the next time you look.

The antidote to any horrible, out-of-control virus can always be attained somewhere in the neighborhood of the other side of the world often from an exotic plant. Somehow these plants can always be reproduced to cure the epidemic.

2007-10-15 11:29:22 · 8 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

A duck goes into a bar and says to the barman, "got any bread" and the barman says "no I haven't got any bread" and went to serve the next customer. The duck says again" got any bread" and the barman says "no I haven't got any bread" and serves the next customer. This goes on and the duck says "got any bread" and barman shouts, "NO I HAVEN;T GOT ANY F@***CKING BREAD, ask once more and I will nail your beak to that bar. " The duck says "Got any nails" The barman says "No I haven;t got any nails" the duck says "Got any bread".

2007-10-15 11:16:22 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

2007-10-15 11:11:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-15 10:58:34 · 13 answers · asked by Leah 3

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich £1.50
Chicken Sandwich £ 2.50
Hand Job £10.00
---------------------------------

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten pound note.
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

2007-10-15 10:41:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

2007-10-15 10:37:42 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the blonde say when I was looking for the new moon?

What happened to the old moon?

2007-10-15 10:29:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

As Valentines day was approaching, Charlie decided to buy a special gift for his new girlfriend, Ruth. The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right. Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.

Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman's opinion. they found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie's sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.

Charlie mailed his Valentine's Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:

I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don't wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely colour. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,

Charlie

2007-10-15 10:22:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

...placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

...government bonds
they take so long to mature.

...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

2007-10-15 10:11:46 · 17 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?"

The panda bear answers calmlly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."

2007-10-15 10:04:37 · 18 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'a ss' and I'll say 'hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother.

"What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your a ss it ain't gonna be Cheerios.

2007-10-15 10:01:24 · 19 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A man is walking down the street and he hears in his head. "Stop! If you take one more step you will die!"

The man stops and a brick lands at his feet.

He keeps walking not watching where he was going and the voice says again.

"Stop! If you take one more step you will Regret it for the rest of your life!" The man stops and a lorry comes roaring by almost hitting him.

He thinks to himself "Who is telling me this?" The voice answers

"You won't believe this but, I am your Guardian Angel and I am here to protect you." The man thinks to himself

"Where the Hell were you on my Wedding Day?"

2007-10-15 09:58:56 · 14 answers · asked by Sparky 5

i have been dating this man for a week but we know each other pretty well, and he loves to play pratical jokes, and i want to play one on him(but not mean) he is 6'8 so we can't get him mad! we are going out sat to play pool do you have any good ideas?

2007-10-15 09:57:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

could i be it's MILK! Yes brother Brown and his thought police have done it again. This will be replaced by the Utterly Horrible Tasting substitute. This they inform us is greener,well are you at a loss? Because i sure as hell am.

2007-10-15 09:50:20 · 11 answers · asked by ? 7

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy Secton.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to London".

2007-10-15 09:32:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

2007-10-15 09:30:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?".

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

"Sheila," he says "Not only are you great in bed, but you're a real sport too", and drives off.

2007-10-15 09:30:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human Beings are the only animals that stutter". she says.

A little girl raises her hand. ''I had a kitty-cat who stuttered'', she volunteered.
The teacher , knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must of been scary", said the teacher.
"it sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raied his back, went "Fffffff, Ffffffff', Fffffff, Ffffffff.......
And before he could say "F**k", the Rottweiler ate him!"

2007-10-15 09:29:43 · 8 answers · asked by rainydaze 5

Shipwrecked on an island were a young wife, her boorish husband and a good looking sailor.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, 'Stop making love down there!'

"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband when he sailor came back down. "We weren't making love."

"Sorry" said the sailor, "from up there it looked as if you were."

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the tree and yelled the same thing.

Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

"He's right" said the husband. "It does look as if they're making love down there."

2007-10-15 09:28:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, "Hi, we're hookers. Want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray"

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hookers, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away, George. Our prayers have been answered."

2007-10-15 09:27:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-15 09:15:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to ***** and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".

Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.

We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.

We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.

We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.

While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.

So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.

Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?

Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

Now bugger off, we're sleeping.

2007-10-15 09:09:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first letter from each word in the movie's title is given. Each movie has a NUMBER in its title. Can you figure them out? For example: #2 is The Sixth Sense. It has a NUMBER in its title (sixth). Good Luck!
1. L.O.T.R.T.T.
2. S.S.
3. T.O.G.
4. H.T.L.A.G.I.T.D.
5. H.P.D.
6. T.W.N.
7. T.M.
8. S.
9. G.I.S.S.
10. P.
11. T.T.T.
12. K.N.
13. U.F.S.O.
14. E.M.
15. F.T.T.

2007-10-15 09:04:46 · 6 answers · asked by gordja09 1

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident causing him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness.

When he opened his eyes his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully, "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. Yet you were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying." She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me cutting out more adverts for me." He continued, "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."

Then I finally got another job after being laid off for sometime. But I never seemed to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. I remained in the same position from the day I join the company till now... And you were there beside me"

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband. "And now I have an accident and, you are here beside me. There's something'd really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, "...I think you really bring me bad luck."

2007-10-15 08:55:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-15 08:48:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

2007-10-15 08:21:09 · 10 answers · asked by Love Me♥ 2

One day, after having his dinner, a man decides to go down to the local bar to buy cigarettes. In the bar, he decides to order a drink and notices a beautiful blonde giving him the eye. He decides to go over and strike up a conversation. She invites the man over to her apartment for sex and he agrees. They go and they have the best sex he's ever had. He then realises that it is very late and his wife is going to kill him. He asks the blonde if she has any talcum powder and she hands him a bottle. He sprinkles powder all over his hands and rushes home. His wife immediately attacks him "Where the hell have you been? I thought you were only going out for cigarettes?" The man replies, "Honey, I'm sorry. I did go for cigarettes, but then I decided to have a drink. Next thing you know, this real hot blonde comes up to me and asks me over to her place for sex. Only a real dumbass would have said no to a hot piece like that, so I accepted, we got to her place and had every kind of sex possible. I'm really sorry, honey." She notices the powder on his hands and replies, "Do I look stupid to you, you son of a *****? I see the powder on you hands. You went out bowling with the boys!!"

2007-10-15 08:19:33 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

2007-10-15 08:18:11 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous