Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

He supposedly lived in the jungle and was a wildman so how come he didn't have a big hairy beard?

2007-10-16 08:16:19 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b!tch out of the window."

2007-10-16 08:04:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

W,I,T,N,?.

2007-10-16 07:59:27 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2007-10-16 07:42:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

muse06 - you ever think god gets stoned?

humphrey - have you ever seen a platypus?

2007-10-16 07:24:20 · 12 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

You may not know this but many inanimate objects have a gender...

Ziplock bags are Male -- they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female -- once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires are Male -- they go bald and are often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male -- to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's that hot air part.

Sponges are Female -- they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web pages are Female -- they're always getting hit on.

Subways are Male -- they use the same old lines to pick women up.

Hourglasses are Female -- over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers are Male -- it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Controls are Female -- they give men pleasure, when men don't have them, they always go out of their way to get them, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep trying!

2007-10-16 07:22:35 · 36 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Guy walks into a bar, sees a dog on the floor licking his business and says, “Gee I wish I could do that”.
The bartender says to him, “He’s a friendly dog I’m sure if you pet him, he’ll let you”.

2007-10-16 06:58:55 · 8 answers · asked by Abel O 2

Jeb was driving his new bride home in his buggy when his old horse stumbled and fell, He jumped down picked up the horse and said "That's once". They went on for another half mile when the horse stumbles and falls. Jeb jumped down, picked up the horse and said "That's twice. Another half mile down the road the horse stumbled and fell again. Jeb took out his trusty pistol and shot the horse dead. His new bride looked at him and said "You should not have done that to the poor horse" Jeb looked back at her and said "That's once"...!

2007-10-16 06:58:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

2007-10-16 06:45:33 · 15 answers · asked by Freakin 6

We have a small office and only one small carpeted bathroom. We have 6 guys who work here and I think some of them are regularly missing the toilet because it always smells really bad like urine in there. I wanted to post a funny sign that would get the point across that they need to aim better. Any ideas?

2007-10-16 06:18:48 · 15 answers · asked by Concerned 2

Biology class
Students in an AP Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: “Name seven advantages of ‘Mother’s Milk’…. The students had to answer all seven advantages, or he/she would get no credit. One thoughtful young man turned in the following exam

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

He got stuck and couldn’t think of another advantage. He had completed the rest of the exam. He knew how important seven points were toward the final score. Finally, in desperation, as the bell rang, and as tests were being collected, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an A!

2007-10-16 06:10:12 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

2007-10-16 06:09:59 · 20 answers · asked by littlblueyes 4

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

2007-10-16 06:07:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mafioso's son is sitting at his desk, writing a Christmas list to Jesus. First he writes, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

Then he gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear Baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

2007-10-16 06:06:21 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't
even get on the bed!

2007-10-16 05:52:44 · 10 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty pounds," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to £10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

2007-10-16 05:44:25 · 9 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

why dont witches wear panties?




its easier to grip the broomstick....

heard this at work today, kinda sick huh LOL

2007-10-16 05:09:40 · 10 answers · asked by puppy love 6

We gonna have a DEVIIL of a time; WHO goes first ...
... hmm ... maybe I'll start with the BURNING BUSH!!!

2007-10-16 05:04:48 · 4 answers · asked by Jewels 7

There’s a brunette jumping up and down in the middle of the road saying, "53, 53, 53". A blonde comes down the sidewalk and sees the brunette and says, "hey that looks fun can I play?" The brunette says, "Sure". The blonde gets into the middle of the road jumping up and down saying, "53, 53, 53". A car starts to come down the road and the brunette jumps onto the sidewalk still jumping up and down saying 53, 53, 53. The car hits the blonde and the brunette jumps back into the saying, "54, 54, 54".

2007-10-16 04:46:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you fill in the blank with something funny?

2007-10-16 04:24:55 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Cherry♥ 4

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached


Date: 17 oct 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow
with luv Tom

2007-10-16 03:36:17 · 12 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

The setting is in a gym and they will keep coming at you nonstop, until you die. You have nothing but youre wits! They come in groups of 20 every minute. How many 6 year olds could you kill before they killed you?

2007-10-16 03:31:15 · 9 answers · asked by ydalmis p 2

A geezer can't decide what to wear to a fancy dress party so he turns up with condoms on his willy and on each finger,a £20 note stuck up each nostril and £10 out of each ear.
Yes, you guessed it, Johnny Cash

2007-10-16 03:24:10 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-16 03:17:24 · 13 answers · asked by steven256@btinternet.com 1

A wife was helping her husband to set-up his Computer. The husband was in a cheeky mood so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was typing in the word "penis" as password. His wife fell over from laughter when the computer replied: "Password rejected - not long enough".



Husband was suspecting his wife was sleeping around and said: "It appears I am playing second fiddle" when his wife replied: "With a fiddle like yours you should be gratefull that you are playing in the orchestra at all!"



Teenager goes to watch a strip show. His mother found out about this and was furious with him asking him: ” And did u by any chance see anything u should not have!“ when he replied: ”Yes, DAD“.



The definition of ”GUTTS“:…when a man comes home late one night, as drunk as a lord. His wife is waiting for him with a broom in her hand and he asks her: ”Are you cleaning the house or are you flying somewhere?“

2007-10-16 02:54:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy was shocked to learn that the cows on his farm had bluetongue he said "be Jesus io didn't even know they had mobile phones.

2007-10-16 02:48:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

right answer wins!

2007-10-16 02:47:56 · 26 answers · asked by angeleyes 2

How do you handly your liquor?








By both ears ...

2007-10-16 01:20:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar in Londonand ordered 3-glasses of beer
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai, the other in Canadaand I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.


When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"

2007-10-16 00:37:20 · 5 answers · asked by Joe H 3

a worker on a building site rushed upto th foreman.'sir,sir' he cried.''someone's just droped a trowel from the top of the tower and sliced my ear off ! ".immediatly the fore man organised a searchparty to find the ear in the hope that surgeons might be able to sew it back."here it is ! " cried one of the searchers,waving the ear ."no, that's not it ,"said the injured workman."mine had a pencil behind it !"

2007-10-15 23:43:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous