Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Until the first person says "I give up", I won't say anything...

But keep checking here for the answer until somebody does.

2007-10-16 23:24:36 · 6 answers · asked by Lady Godiva 5

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud "Bloody hell!. I wonder what happened to this parrot?

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy smoke", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably
get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"

The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes
"Psssssssssssst"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....

"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"F**k knows" say's the parrot, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

2007-10-16 23:14:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be OUT OF BOUNDS for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students!! Anybody caught breaking this rule, will be fined $ 20 the first time." He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $ 60 and anybody, caught a third time, will pay a fine of $ 180!!! Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: " How much for a season pass?"

Star if you like it, please!!

2007-10-16 22:39:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000" the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!”

2007-10-16 22:39:20 · 15 answers · asked by Rainman 4

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on......... but I like your thinking."

2007-10-16 22:24:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man : "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man : "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

2007-10-16 22:23:01 · 18 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper

2007-10-16 22:21:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask Forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop taffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered a she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

2007-10-16 22:19:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee - Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Aggressive - Obnoxious

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English

Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded - Back Stabber

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

2007-10-16 22:16:15 · 20 answers · asked by Sparky 5

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

2007-10-16 22:11:29 · 21 answers · asked by Sparky 5

There were three elderly ladies sitting around talking…………………………………..One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

2007-10-16 21:54:51 · 5 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own ****** blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

2007-10-16 21:54:10 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
> for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast
> instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The
> man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and
>
> suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
> any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this
> brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should
> go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a
> personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man
> goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and
> tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened--
>
to which the man replies:
"She choked."

2007-10-16 21:52:15 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year !

2007-10-16 21:15:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman's three biggest lies...

1-You're the Biggest.
2-You're the Best.
3-It doesn't always taste like that.

2007-10-16 20:02:01 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Someone starts banging on your door, or Walls outside, and then runs away?

2007-10-16 19:00:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

so big.... even dora couldn't explore her
i JUST heard this on tv
and felt like sharing

2007-10-16 18:33:08 · 10 answers · asked by Sultan Cartman 5

Read on, and all comments appreciated!!! :)

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. POOR MEN SUCK
12. PACK MY STUFF
& MY FAVORITE ONE
13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

2007-10-16 16:50:44 · 29 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

What do you call a computer superhero?
A Screen Saver.

Why did the computer cross the road?
To get a byte to eat.

Who chases computer criminals?
A hacker-tracker.

What do you get if you cross a computer with an elephant?
Lots of Memory.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a computer?
A machine that has a bark worse than its byte.

Why was the computer so angry?
Because it had a chip on its shoulder.

Why did the computer get glasses?
To improve its websight.

Why did the computer sneeze?
It had a virus.

Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-o

Where do cool mice live?
In mousepads.

2007-10-16 16:17:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His dad nodded and told him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That’s because you’re 18."

2007-10-16 15:43:26 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

2007-10-16 15:40:48 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

AN ELDERLY COUPLE ARE SITTING IN CHURCH, WIFE TURNS TO THE HUSBAND AND SAYS, "I'VE JUST DONE A SILENT FART, WHAT SHOULD I DO"? HUSBAND SAYS........ CHANGE YOUR HEARING AID BATTERY...

I am a deaf person, and this did'nt offend me did it make you laugh?

2007-10-16 14:16:28 · 12 answers · asked by magic man 3

If beer nut are 2.99 a pound.
How much are deer nuts.
>
>
>
>
>
>
Under a buck!
Star please if you like.

2007-10-16 14:07:36 · 6 answers · asked by bad82benz 2

Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza
you eat pizza

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory
embezzlement

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.

Your mom's so fat, when she walks down the street in a red suit people go "darn, your mom is really fat"
Your mom's so fat when she goes to sea world, people say "darn your mom is fat"
Your mom's so fat, when she sits around the house people go "darn your mom is fat"
Your mom's so fat she's like a bicycle, people say "darn your mom is fat"
Your mom's so fat when she wears high heals people say "darn your mom is fat"

2007-10-16 14:06:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Random Questions
please answer seriously...i want to know what your realistic answer would be. i know these aren't all "serious"...but answers could be please.


1. Why do they sterylize needles before lethal injections?
2. Whose cruel idea was it to have an s in the word lisp?
3. If Fed Ex and UPS combined...would they become Fed UP?
4.If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the Earth?
5.Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when it is really going on?
6.Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
7.Why are both of Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?
8.If you were to fart and burp at the same time, wouldn't a vaccum create in your stomach?
9.Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
10.Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white

2007-10-16 13:57:15 · 9 answers · asked by LOSTfann 2

........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................so everyone could scream look at the escargo..........................get it ??.................."S"car go>>>
its cheesy i had it on a worksheet at school

2007-10-16 13:44:53 · 5 answers · asked by Kianna A 3

This is a riddle. It starts with the letter p and has 8 letters and ends with mane/main

2007-10-16 13:21:29 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a riddle. It has 11 letters and starts with the letter s and ends with but/butt

2007-10-16 13:20:21 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

She lives in east Europe!

2007-10-16 13:19:42 · 5 answers · asked by Ulrich_ 1

2007-10-16 13:00:13 · 7 answers · asked by Kimestre' 1