Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

one afternoon, while the husband is napping, the wife decides to get in the boat, go out into the middle of the lake and relax and read a good book. Not long after she settles in a game warden comes up.

The game warden says, "Mam, you know this is a no fishing zone and I could write you up.

The woman says, "How can you do that, I'm not even fishing, I'm sitting here relaxing and reading a book."

The game warden says, "Yes, but you have all the equipment, so I can indeed right you a ticket."

The woman says, "Okay, officer, but I'm gonna have to sue you for sexual harrasment."

The game warden says "Sue me for sexual harrasment, I haven't said or done anything lewd."

The woman says "No, but you have all the right equipment".

2007-10-17 19:55:30 · 13 answers · asked by Birdlegs 5

Ok some of you ansered the following question
Why did the chciken cross the road?
Because it wanted to cross the road

NOW
Why did the pervert cross the road?
.
.
.
.

2007-10-17 19:39:13 · 3 answers · asked by rendezvous_rama 3

A guy takes his parrot to a priest and says " I dont know what to do with my parrot everytime i bring a lady friend home he starts squawking and cussing." so the priest says let me take him I'll teach him some respect." so the guy leaves the parrot there. the next day the parrot starts cussing and the priest tells him "everytime you swear I'm gonna pull a feather from your head." well eventually the parrot is compleatly bald but has stopped swearing.so finally sunday arrives and church is about to start. so the priest tells the parrot "as I let the nice people in you seat them lady's to the left and men to the right". so he sets the parrot on a perch at the front of the church and the people start to come in and the parrot starts"rawk Lady's to the left men to the right rawk! ladys to the left and mento the right " and then a bald gentlemen enters the church. so the parrot continues"Rawk! lady's to the left and men to the right Rawk and you you bald head F*cker you get up here with me.

2007-10-17 19:09:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Bill turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Bill got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your butt!

2007-10-17 18:52:34 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sitting at a table in the back of the bar with a friend.

He walked up to the bartender and bet him $50 that he could lick his ear.

Now the bartender knew this guy had been drinking quite a bit with his friend and was probably drunk but he decided he could use the fifty bucks so he told the man it was a deal.

The man reached around and pulled his ear lobe to his mouth and licked it. Now the bartender was awed. He handed the man $50 and asked how he did that.

The man said "I have a rubber ear" he ordered another beer and went back to his table.

About a half hour later the man came back up to the bar and said "Hey bartender, I bet you $50 I can lick my eye."

The bartender said, "ok you're on" So the man pulled his eye out and licked it and put it back in. The bartender was stunned and demanded to know how the man did it.

The man replied "I have a glass eye."

The bartender said fair is fair, here's you fifty bucks."

About an hour later the same man came up to the bar and said to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I bet you $200 that you can put a shot glass at one end of the bar and i can stand at the other end of the bar and p-i-s-s into that shot glass without getting a single drop on your bar."

Now by this time the bartender knew that the man was drunk and saw an opportunity to get his money back and some, so he agreed. He placed the shot glass at the end of the bar.

The man stood at the other end of the bar and pissed all over the bar.....not a single drop made it to the shot glass.

The bartender was wiping up the mess laughing his butt off. He asked the man "Now, why did you do that when you were up $100."

The drunk man smiled pointed at the table in the back and said "do you see that man over there?"

The bartender said "Yes"

"Well I bet him $1,000 that I could p-i-s-s all over your bar and you would clean it up with a smile!"

2007-10-17 18:15:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a gas station in Cork during his tour of Ireland.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is, "Top o the morning to you young fella!"

As Tiger leans over to get out of the car, two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would dey be for then?" enquires the Irish man.

"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Jaysus," says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tink of everyting!"

2007-10-17 18:08:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The team's Coach noticed that his star player, Wayne, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.

So one day, after practice, the coach asked Wayne, "Just what the hell is your secret with the women?"

So Wayne replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw them forever!"

The coach decided that this was a good idea so one day he left training early.

When he got home he heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you Wayne?"

2007-10-17 18:01:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him what?

2007-10-17 17:57:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantid cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

2007-10-17 17:54:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were deserted on an island. They saw a lamp floating in the water. They grab the lamp and together they rub and a genie pops out.
"you each have one wish"said the genie.
The brunette and the redhead grab the blonde by the arms, "You first!"

2007-10-17 17:48:22 · 6 answers · asked by MuñecaBarbie 3

can u solve this riddle? i need help?

2007-10-17 17:37:26 · 19 answers · asked by Kruschiv 1

An eight year old boy dressed up as a pirate went trick-or-treating on Halloween. He knocked on a door, and an old lady came out and said, "oh, a pirate! How cute! And where are your buccaneers?"
They're right under my buck'n hat, lady! he said::)))

2007-10-17 17:20:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-17 17:01:19 · 15 answers · asked by ritagarciatx 1

One foggy night, a Yankees fan was heading north from New York and a Red
Sox fan was driving south from Boston . While crossing a narrow bridge,
they hit each other head on, mangling both cars.

The Red Sox fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Yankees fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate
to have survived. The Yankees fan walks over to the Red Sox fan and says,
"Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty
differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Red Sox Fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're
absolutely right! W! e shoul d be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else
survived the wreck." The Red So x fan then pops open his trunk and
removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Yankee fan , "I
think this is another sign we should toast to our newfound friendship."

The Yankees fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of
the bottle, he hands it back to the Red Sox fan and says, "Your turn."

The Red Sox fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the
rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think
I'll just wait for the cops to show up

2007-10-17 16:57:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

2007-10-17 16:19:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are driving your car on a stormy night and you pass by a bus stop. At the bus stop, there are three persons waiting.
-The first person is an old woman whose seems to be dying soon.
-The second person is an old friend of you who saved your life one day.
-The third person is your dream man/woman whom you constantly wished to meet.

You have room for only one person in your car, which one of these three person would you choose to give a ride?

This was one of the questions used in job application form.
Only one candidate among 200 gave a brilliant answer and got the job..

What do you think his answer was?

2007-10-17 16:12:00 · 15 answers · asked by Mimi 6

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the ****** applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the ****** became mad and closed up.

After a few days...

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the ****** boss.

This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss... Just an ******

2007-10-17 15:25:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

2007-10-17 15:23:07 · 11 answers · asked by Shorty 2

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."





What do you think?

2007-10-17 15:10:22 · 7 answers · asked by :) 2

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j*b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

2007-10-17 15:05:21 · 12 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!)



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won.

2007-10-17 14:37:20 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is a story. HEHE

2007-10-17 14:24:48 · 23 answers · asked by Song Bird 3

The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''

The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

2007-10-17 13:51:11 · 9 answers · asked by young105 2

An elderley couple have been dating for some time and decide it is finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embark on a long conversation regarding how their marriage will work. They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decides it is time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.

"How do you feel about s*x?" he asks, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responds.

The old guy pauses, then he asks, "Was that one word or two?"

2007-10-17 13:50:01 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jaime and a woman are having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, notices that Jaime is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watches as he slides all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appears calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion has disappeared.

After the waitress finishes taking the order, she comes over to the table and says to the woman, "Pardon me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looks up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't...he just walked in the door!"

2007-10-17 13:44:43 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I read that it was a popular myth that the characters of Captain Pugwash have double entendre names. Some examples given were Master Bates, Seaman Staines, and Roger the Cabin Boy, when the real names were Master Mates, there was no Seaman Staines, and Tom the Cabin Boy.


I don't get what's so bad about "Roger the Cabin Boy"-I know it has to do with the name Roger, if "Tom the Cabin Boy" is okay...

2007-10-17 13:40:44 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl walks into a smoothy bar with a dog. The chef says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the girl. "This is no regular dog, she can talk."
"Listen," says the chef. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The girl puts the dog on a stool, and asks her, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And what kind of a sport is Karate?"
"Rough!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the girl. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The chef is furious. "Listen," the chef says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the girl and says, "Do you think I should have said 'gentle'

2007-10-17 13:10:03 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into a thrift store and says
"I want a cup."
The storeguy doesn't hear, so he says
"Sorry I didn't hear."
"I wanna cup!"
"??"
"I WANT A FRIGGIN CUP!!!"
"You'll just have to spell it..."
"I wanna C! U! P!"
"okay if you say so..."

2007-10-17 12:59:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-17 12:53:15 · 5 answers · asked by *sunshine* 3

george w. bush goes to an elmentary school in texas and teaches them the meaning of tragedy he askes them to give him an example of tragedy suzie says like if my friend gets hit by a car bush says no that world be an accident the he calls on tony and tony says like if a bus driver drives 50 kids off a cliff and they all die and bush says no that would be a great loss then he calls on little johnny and he says like if you were on air force one and you got hit by a missle and die then bush says how would that be tragedy because it wouldnt be an accident and it sure as hell wouldnt be a great loss

2007-10-17 12:51:30 · 6 answers · asked by young105 2