Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Joke: Marital Secrets
Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night - only to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is this", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the fast 5 years?"

"Honey, let me explain.."

"Why, you sneaky b'stard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids?"

2007-10-18 05:24:33 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever
seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and
charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

2007-10-18 05:22:51 · 12 answers · asked by jake5282 2

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Mike was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret named "DaVinci's Decadent Dance Den" and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Mike aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy >said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee, helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the o

2007-10-18 05:06:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-18 03:52:17 · 3 answers · asked by armaghmadman 2

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

2007-10-18 02:15:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 women in a cafe. 1st woman said I'm having a boob job, 2nd said I'm having my tw*t bleached, 3rd women said I can't imagine your husband with blonde hair.

2007-10-18 01:48:30 · 19 answers · asked by claire s 1

Don't think most of you hear about this joke before... even if you heard before... but this joke is "11" Marketing Concepts!!! (Max only 10)


11 MARKETING CONCEPTS

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

That’s DIRECT MARKETING.


2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
“He’s very rich. Marry him!”

That’s ADVERTISING.


3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day, you call her and say, “Hi, I am very rich. Marry me!”

That’s TELEMARKETING.


4. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You get up and straighten your tie. You walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her. You pick up her bag after she drops it. You offer her a ride and you say, “By the way, I am very rich. Will you marry me?”

That’s PUBLIC RELATIONS.

2007-10-18 01:46:42 · 4 answers · asked by Alexiolim 6

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues…”Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years”.

“I remember that too”, she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have been free from today!”

2007-10-18 01:13:41 · 22 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Spell That with out any R's?



!!!!!!!!!!!Rock on!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-18 00:13:05 · 12 answers · asked by ? 5

O J & The Devil


One day in the future, O.J. Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay
here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do; I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

O.J. thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," O.J. said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented O.J.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, O.J. saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

O.J. looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . .
(This is priceless)


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

2007-10-17 23:55:38 · 10 answers · asked by shatski1 1

A man enters a bar and orders a double martini which he drinks down in one go. He orders another and peeks into his pocket then drinks the martini. He ordered another martini and before drinking it he peeks into his pocket again. This goes on for several more drinks and the barman starts to get curious. "Hey there" he asks "Why do you look in your pocket like that before you drink your drink?" The customer replied ..... " In my pocket I have a picture of my wife and when she starts to look good then I know it's time to go home...!"

2007-10-17 23:37:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

hey put something funny or confusing to make me and my friends laugh.
i want to tell them a joke or something embarressing/funny that happened. or a riddle to confuse them will be good.

2007-10-17 23:31:46 · 13 answers · asked by sarah s 1

A granny visits her docor and tells him she has terrible discharge. "ok, take your pants off and lets check it" he says and slips a finger in and has a feel around. "how does that feel" he asks, fu**ing wonderful she replies, but the discharge is from my ear!!

2007-10-17 23:25:17 · 21 answers · asked by Raine 5

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. At the appropriate moment following the eulogy, as his friends and colleagues watched, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a Gynecologist."

That's when the Proctologist fainted.

2007-10-17 23:21:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

2007-10-17 23:19:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,
"Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied,
"I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

2007-10-17 23:17:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm
going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!!"
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of
rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" said George, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day."
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton
lying on the floor. His arms were staked over his head. His legs
staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky. She
was doing what she was famous for.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while. Finally he
said, "Yeah, I can handle that."
The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!!!"

2007-10-17 22:59:56 · 14 answers · asked by jake5282 2

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed

2007-10-17 22:39:21 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon, and baby balloon.
Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night,
"Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.
When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still coultn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid hiself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snuggly and fell sound asleep.

When his mum woke up she was furious!
"Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
"I am so dissappointed in you! Not only have you let me down and your father down, you''ve let yourself down too!"

2007-10-17 22:38:14 · 14 answers · asked by hcchenery 2

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.
The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."

2007-10-17 22:37:05 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Until I am measured, I am not known. Yet how you miss me, When I have flown.

2007-10-17 22:36:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, don't waste time," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Target. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs five pounds...... a lot quicker and better than a doctor".
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Target. He
deposits five dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the Urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Target, eager to check what will happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better....and thank you for shopping at Target.

2007-10-17 22:35:55 · 4 answers · asked by jake5282 2

She said you were microsoft. LOL

2007-10-17 22:25:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a indian village and in this village the chief had the duty of naming every newborn. so one day alittle indian boy walked up to the chief and ask him how did he come up with all the names of the newborns and the chief says "nature my son nature!" for instance if a girl is born I look around at nature I see a dove in a tree and name her "morning dove!" and if a boy is born I look around at nature I see a oak tree and I name him "strong oak!" now, big chief busy so run along two humping dogs!

2007-10-17 22:11:23 · 3 answers · asked by Bigpoppa 2

I just can't sleep...too much on my mind.

2007-10-17 22:03:55 · 12 answers · asked by The Unconventional Desert Rat II 3

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should
be institutionalized?".

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

2007-10-17 21:10:35 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder." The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."

2007-10-17 21:01:13 · 9 answers · asked by Dollypants 3

2007-10-17 20:21:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mrs. Johnson walks down each row of children and wacks them each up side the head.

"Now class, My Name is Mrs. Johnson and now that I have introduced myself to you, we are going to go down each row, you will stand, tell me your name, and give me a sentence with the word Evidently in it."

The first little girl stands up and says "My name is Mary, and evidently you are the new teacher."

"Very good Mary"

The little boy behind her stands up and says "My name is Aaron and evidently you mean business."

"That was very good Aaron", she replies.

The next little boy stands up and says "My name is Johnny Mrs. Johnson, may I ask you a question first?"

"What is it", she ask Johnny.

"Mrs. Johnson, Do Farts have lumps"

"Why no Johnny they don't"

Johnny replies, "Well then, Evidently you just knocked the
S H I T out of me".

2007-10-17 20:18:45 · 8 answers · asked by Birdlegs 5

You must have my name tatooed on your penis.
He says, "Okay, no problem!"
So he has her name, "Wendy" tatooed on his penis. But when he doesn't have an erection you can only see the "W" and the "Y"
They go to a nude beach in Jamaica on their honeymoon.
A big nude Jamaican comes by selling sunglasses and he too has a "W" and a "Y" tatooed on his penis. The husband immediately becomes agitated and asks the Jamaican, "Hey! Does that say "Wendy" on your penis when you get an erection?"
"Oh, no mon," says the Jamaican, "That says, 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA AND HAVE A NICE DAY"

2007-10-17 20:12:49 · 15 answers · asked by Dom 3