Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

2007-10-19 02:22:33 · 7 answers · asked by yatzky 2

ok so i go home looking all sad and upset and i grab my gf and i tell her we need to go for a ride...when we get in the car i start my sotry...goes like this...so hun i was on my way to get a hair cut today and i noticed a little girl playing on the side of the road....i thought nothing of it and went about my bisness... on my way back home after getting cut, i wasnt paying attention and i ran over the cat. and i think it might have been the little girls..(girl friend is almost in tears by now) so i ran over the cat but the prob is it wasnt dead...it was limping arund making horrible sounds.. so i took out my e-tool (military issue shovel) out of my trunk and all i could do was hit him on the head a couple times.(by this time my girlfriends is balling) so then i pull over and i tell her...well i wrapped the kittens body up and its in the trunk and i think the little girl is the owner....she lives right there... (we then get out of the car walk to the trunk where i take out a shoebox...

2007-10-19 01:51:10 · 9 answers · asked by Ispeakfreely 2

The shortest and best answer to this will get ten points ;)

Day number one they issued me a comb
Day number two, they cut off all my hair
Day number three, they issued me a tooth brush
Day number four, they pulled all my teeth
Day number five, they issued me jockey shorts

2007-10-19 01:48:31 · 17 answers · asked by Taz 5

2007-10-19 01:08:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boy to girlfriend " I'm sorry I cant marry you. My family is objecting"
Girlfriend " why, and who in you family is objecting"
Boy " My wife and 3 children"

2007-10-19 00:20:13 · 35 answers · asked by BOND_BOND2001 3

On a flight to L.A a woman and a professor were sharing the same seat in a plane.....The woman who was tired, closed her eyes and went to sleep....the professor woke up the woman and asked her if she wanted to play a game...the woman politely declined and went back to sleep...The prof. tried again and asked her the same question saying that the woman would first ask him a question. If he didnt know the answer, then he would give the woman $5 and then he would ask the woman a question and if she didn't know the answer she would have to give him $5....still the woman refused and went to sleep...Frustrated the prof. said that if he didn't know the answer to the woman's question he would pay her $50 whereas the woman only had to pay him $5.

This caught the womans attention and she said 'OK!'. He being a prof. thought he could out smart the woman. He asked her "what is the distance, in miles between the earth and the sun?". Without hesitation, the woman gave him a 5 dollar note...

2007-10-19 00:09:01 · 15 answers · asked by ? 6

2007-10-18 23:59:59 · 20 answers · asked by Stephen M 6

a man dies and goes to hell, when he gets there, the devil is sat on a huge chair with three doors behind him. he says "choose one of the doors and that is where you will spend the rest of iternaty". the man asks for a sneek behind each door and the devil agrees that this would be fair. he opens the first door to see a huge room full of people on there heads on a stone floor. not very good thought the man. behind the second door, a huge room full of people on there heads on a wooden floor. a bit better but still not good thinks the man. behind the third door a huge room full of people drinking coffee stood up to there ankles in cow sh1t. i could put up with the smell of cow sh1t for all that coffee thinks the man and chooses the third door. so in he goes and the door shuts dehind him. as soon as he is in there a voice on a loud speaker says,
"COFFEE BREAKS OVER, ON YOUR HEADS"

2007-10-18 23:32:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This married couple is on holiday in the middle east. They're touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they pass this small sandal shop. From inside they hear a gentleman with a foreign accent say "I welcome you, foreigners! Come in, come in to my humble shop. Salam a leekem!" (hello in English)

So the married couple walks in. The foreign man says to them "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." The wife after hearing this is really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the sex god that he is.

So the husband says to the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The man replies "Just try them on." The husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes to try them on. As he does, he gets this wild look in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years; raw sexual power.

In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the man man, throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guys pants. All the time the man is screaming "Stop, stop! You've got them on the wrong dam feet!"

2007-10-18 22:23:49 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno.

The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the ******* brakes on that truck."

2007-10-18 22:21:53 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A couple was golfing one day on an exclusive golfcourse lined with million-dollar houses. Off the third tee, the wife hit the ball right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

Embarrassed, they ran up to the house and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in."
Entering the house, they saw glass all over the floor, a broken bottle lying in the foyer, and a man sitting on the couch. "Are you the people who broke my window?" he asked.
"Yes we are, but we're very sorry," the husband said.

"Actually I wanted to thank you." The man replied. "I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle you broke. Since you've released me, I'm allowed to grant two wishes - one for you and one for myself."

"Wow!" the husband replied. "In that case, I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"Granted." The genie told him. "Now for my wish...I've been trapped in that bottle, and without a woman, for a thousand years, so my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife, then shrugged. "Well, we did get a lot of money, so I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for hours. When they were finally done, he rolled over, looked at the wife, and asked, "How old is your husband?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

2007-10-18 22:20:48 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

-the mime artist next door went absolutely nuts!

2007-10-18 21:11:07 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sent by my Gramma,Im sure they are old but o well.


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

2007-10-18 20:10:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-18 20:08:32 · 4 answers · asked by Dragon Slayer™ 5

Hint: Lead singer of a band that's named after him

http://bp3.blogger.com/_aHT6bdyvY7I/RxOn2Uw946I/AAAAAAAAAaM/0v_h624SEoI/s1600-h/16.jpg

2007-10-18 19:59:26 · 13 answers · asked by Lost Soul 1

1st answer ear looked like a
2 nd answer eyes looked like a
3 rd answer mouth like a
4th answer front legs
5 th answer body
6 answer back legs
7 answer tail
8 th answer it lived in the
9th answer it ate
10th answer day or night

2007-10-18 18:21:56 · 5 answers · asked by jobees 6

SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK .... ?




The population of the USA is 300 million.



160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.



There are 85 million in school.



Which leaves 55 million to do the work.



Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.




Leaving
15 million to do the work.



2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.




Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.



Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.



And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.




At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.




Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.




That leaves just two people to do the work.




You and me.
and there you are sittingon your a**e reading

2007-10-18 17:01:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Guess they have shorter life spans too....


Please file all complaints with George Carlin

2007-10-18 16:56:11 · 10 answers · asked by Marshal Jed Cooper 4

1. Ten million dollars
2. Live until 200 years old
3. Have the hypnotizing power to have sex with anyone you wish.
4. Live a normal life but never get sick again until the day you die.
5. Have an average longevity but stay and look young till the day you died.
6. Become #1 at one thing anything like either singing, dancing, tennis, basketball...etc....

2007-10-18 16:46:22 · 21 answers · asked by gannoway 6

Xtra large condoms?
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

2007-10-18 16:12:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
problem of stuttering.

Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?'

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
'I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...

2007-10-18 16:03:44 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War not determine who right, war determine who left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

2007-10-18 16:00:42 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

2007-10-18 15:53:33 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joke: Marital Secrets
Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night - only to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is this", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the fast 5 years?"

"Honey, let me explain.."

"Why, you sneaky b'stard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids?"

2007-10-18 15:52:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

He thinks most people on here are to downbeat - I say it is not true.

2007-10-18 15:48:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two little kids, aged 6 and 8, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the 8 yr old says to the 6 yr old, "okay, you say the word A $$and I'll say H ell .
All excited about their plan , the two went to the table were the mother asked them what they would like for breakfest. "Aw H ell, says the 8 yr old. gimme some cherrios. His mother backhands him off the stole and he runs off crying... the mother turns to the 6 yr old and says "what will u hav???
I dunno, the 6 yr old says, but u can bet your A $ $ it aint gonna be cheerios:)

2007-10-18 15:44:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, Sara, is Tony home?"

"No, Chris, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and after a few minutes, the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell -- a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 dollar bill on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "I've just got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could see the both of them together."

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table, then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

2007-10-18 15:34:14 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A scene from the movie Ruthless People. It's been a while but I'll try to retell the scene for anyone who hasn't seen it before. Danny De Vito is in his office behind his desk and is being questioned by some geeky guy (I think a cop) sitting across from him. The phone rings and Danny answers ...

Danny: "Hello"

Caller: "Is Debbie there"

Danny: "Debbie? Who's this?"

Caller: "Ralph"

Danny: "Ralph, Debbie's here but can't talk to you right now 'cause she's got my dick in her mouth! Want me to have here call you back when she's done?"

Caller: hangs up

Danny (to the geeky cop who's eyeballs are popping out): "I love wrong numbers!"

2007-10-18 15:28:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just had someone tell me that they're occupation is a Pie Tosser. What in the world is that? I hung up before I could ask what in the world that was.

2007-10-18 15:16:55 · 2 answers · asked by Jennifer S 2

what did batman tell robin before they reached batmans car

2007-10-18 14:34:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous