Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

what would you do?

2007-10-18 14:26:50 · 10 answers · asked by caddie_manjd 4

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What did Dracula say when he kissed his vampire girlfriend?
Ouch...

How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horrorscope...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?
Halloweenies...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

2007-10-18 14:23:32 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, I had this on here before but not many people seen it cause I put it in the wrong category so here it goes....

There was this man and wife. The wife had been doing her laundry earlier that day. As they were getting ready for bed she was putting the last of her laundry away and held up a pair of her panites, the man said... Maybe if you would wash them in some slim fast they would shrink! The wife didn't think it was very funny, but she shrugged it off and left it alone. The next morning the man took a shower and went to his drawer to get some clean underwear and he started screaming and yelling... Honey, Honey, Hey i'm talking to you... The women walked in with a smerk on her face and ever so politely said"yes dear" The man said why is there holes and powder all in my underwear?!!!! The wife just looked at her husband and with a smile said.... That's not powders dear that's MIRACLE GROW!!!!!!!

If you think this is funny give me a star!!!
Have a great night!!!

2007-10-18 14:17:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.



Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.



In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.



A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.



As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"



The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."



Happy Halloween

2007-10-18 13:54:58 · 26 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

2007-10-18 13:42:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A service for the husband will be held on Wednesday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

2007-10-18 13:35:28 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

2007-10-18 13:11:30 · 11 answers · asked by Brownie12866 2

OK, so there's this guy at the bar and right next to him there's this little guy less than a foot tall playing a tiny baby grand piano. The bar had computers that allowed people to surf at the bar. OK, cool.
So this other guy comes in to check out the new computer bar and sits next to the guy with the little piano guy next to him and asks, "Hey, what's this?"
So the reply he gets is..."I got it from a site called eWish.com."
"Really? Can I try it?"
"Sure, but they haven't worked all the bugs out, so you may not get exactly what you wish for."
"OK, what the heck, it's free anyway. So he punches in his eWish and hits the return key and poof! The bar is filled with quacking ducks everywhere. On the bar, under the bar, flying all over the bar, and the guy who made the wish says, "Hey, I didn't wish for a million ducks!!!"
And the other guys goes, "See, I told you. I didn't wish for a Ten Inch Pianist either!!!"

2007-10-18 13:06:08 · 9 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Halloween Definitions

Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you leave your bra off while running.


Boogieman:
Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.


Coffin:
What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.


Frankenstein:
Hot dog and a mug of beer


Full Moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.


Goblin:
How you eat the Snickers Bars you got for Halloween.


Invisible Man:
What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."


Jack O' Lantern:
An Irish pumpkin.


Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.


Mummy:
Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.


Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.


Skeleton:
Any super model.


Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.


Witch:
See "Mother-in-Law."


Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

2007-10-18 13:05:48 · 19 answers · asked by Brownie12866 2

About 8 or 9 drinks!

2007-10-18 13:04:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

a light house!

bahahahahah.

2007-10-18 12:43:17 · 23 answers · asked by Kelly 6

"Mummy, why are your hands so soft?"
Reply: "For ***** sake, I'm firteen."

2007-10-18 12:39:27 · 7 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

Two guys driving through Texas when they are pulled over by the highway patrol for speeding. The driver rolls down the window and the patrolman hits him across the face with his flashlight. 'Ow! what was that for' The patrolman replies 'In Texas, drivers have their licence and registration ready.
The patrolman writes the driver a ticket. The driver is about to roll up his window when the patrolman hits him again. 'Ow!, what the hell was that for?' In Texas, you say thank you when you get a ticket.' says the patrolman, who then walks round the car and taps on the passengers window. The passenger rolls down the window and the patrolman hits him over the head. The passenger yells, 'Ouch! why did you do that' The patrolman says, 'I'm making your wish come true.'
'What wish?' asks the passenger.
The patrolman replies 'Five yards down the road you would have said "I wish that son of a b*tch had tried that sh*t on me"

2007-10-18 12:35:03 · 11 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

my friend told me her friend told her her webkinz dies.she said firstshe said if you have a window n ms birdy comes in loged in or out and stabbes you through heart then there is a bucket of blood next to you in the clinic. there is a nife through the heart.and this is not a made up story

2007-10-18 12:22:30 · 4 answers · asked by Gabsola P 1

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."




NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery

2007-10-18 12:14:35 · 8 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

Bush arrive in front of St Peter, worry of what might happen to him.
Looking around the waiting room, he noticed a lot of clocks. The
thing is, they all move time by 15 minutes a go. Under each clocks
there is the names of T.Blair, G.Brown, Sarcozi, and so on.......

Eh St Peter, what are those clocks for? he ask.
Each time a head of state does something stupid, his clock moves forward 15 minutes.

Oh great, say Bush smiling, mine is not on the wall.
Nope say St Peter, your's is in my office, I use it as a cooling fan !

2007-10-18 12:13:15 · 12 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'Have you killed any?' she asks. 'Yep,' replies the husband. 'Three males and two females,' 'How can you tell.' she says. He replies 'Three were on a beer can, Two were on the phone.'

What is the last thing to go through an insect's brain when it hits your car?. It's backside.

What's worst than finding a maggot in your apple?.
Finding half a maggot.

2007-10-18 12:12:14 · 13 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Roses are Red , Violets are Blue I am Pschysophrenic and so am I , yeah me too , no your not, yes I am, not, am, not am......?

2007-10-18 12:10:57 · 5 answers · asked by skeeter 2

Add yours here...

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

2007-10-18 12:10:15 · 8 answers · asked by ? 5

A blonde guy gets home early from work and he hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes donwstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams down the phone and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bast***," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!"

2007-10-18 12:06:31 · 7 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"



THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"


SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

2007-10-18 11:46:34 · 28 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A doctor is examining a young female patient, He applies his stethoscope and says 'Big breaths,' 'Yeth' replies the girl. 'And I'm thtill only thixtheen'

A man goes for a check up. The doctor says, 'I'm going to need a urine sample, a semen sample, a blood sample and a stool sample.'
The man replies, 'I'm in a hurry, can I just leave my underpants.'

A man goes to his doctor with a sprig of green sticking out of his bottom. 'Doctor, I think I have a lettuce growing out of my backside,' He says.
The doctor examines the greenery and says 'I'm afraid I have bad news - It's only the tip of the iceberg.'

2007-10-18 11:41:43 · 5 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A worried father telephones his doctor and tells him that his teenage son has come down with venereal disease. 'He thinks he caught it from the maid,' says the father
'Don't worry too much,' says the doctor, 'These things happen.'
'I know' says the father ' But I've been sleeping with the maid too, and now I seem to have the same symptoms,'
'That's unfortunate,' says the doctor. 'But try not to get distressed.'
'That's not all' says the man, 'I think I've passed it on to my wife.'
'Christ Almighty!' screams the doctor
'That means we all have it!!!'

2007-10-18 11:20:34 · 17 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being
informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the
kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the

2007-10-18 11:06:36 · 12 answers · asked by romosugah 2

I know I am not the only one playing around sometimes. But here is my favourite
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApubvTGcFZFa4VdwpdItM6rsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20070713201116AAe9u4f

2007-10-18 10:55:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

2007-10-18 10:55:11 · 7 answers · asked by romosugah 2

do you put he toilet papper on the holder forwards, the end hanging in the front or, backwards the end coming from the back? do you know what i mean? odd question but i was just wondering i put it on forwards and when my mom, or rairly my sister, brother, or dad changes the roll and puts it on backwards i take it off and turn it a round forwards.

2007-10-18 10:46:06 · 13 answers · asked by im on the bleechers 2

Bibi & Ketje head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time (be home for the kids), they decide to play only 9 holes. Bibi said to Ketje," Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Ketje agrees and theymenjoy a great game.
After the 8th hole, Ketje is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts her ball into the rough on the 9th. " Help me find my ball; you look over there," she said to Bibi. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a 4 point penalty, Ketje pulls a ball from her pocket and tosses it to the ground. " I've found my ball!" she announces triumphantly.
Bibi looks at her forlornly, " After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
" What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
" And a liar, too!" Bibi says with amazement. " I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last ten minutes!"

2007-10-18 10:34:40 · 7 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

bed.He calls over his friend Hamish and says,"I have a bottle of 25-year-old whiskey under my pillow.When I'm dead do me a kindness and pour it over my grave?"Of course I will",replies Hamish,"Though I might be passing it through my kidneys first."
******
Little Red Hiding Hood is walking through the woods when she sees the wolf hiding behind a bush.Playfully she slips behind him and taps him on the shoulder."My,what big eyes you have!"she says.The wolf runs off and hides behind another bush.Little Red hiding Hood follows him and tap him on the shoulder again,"My,what big nose you have!"she says.The wolf yelps and dashes off to hide behind another bush.Little Red Riding Hood sneaks up on him again,and again taps him on the shoulder."My,what big teeth you have!"she says.The wolf turns on her and shouts,"Do you mind?I'm having a c**p!"
*********
There me Duckies enjoy and star if you like,and please no nasies ok?xxxx

2007-10-18 10:26:24 · 9 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

When young I stand tall, when old I grow small, but if I die, you will never see me again, what am I?

2007-10-18 10:21:54 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3